Lupus Funk is not welcome here....

     Fuck that Funk!  Well, that's what I'm going with for now.  And by now, I mean right now! I'm living in the moment. I finally drug my plumper than should be ass out of bed.  I've been laying in my bed wallowing in swollen self pity about the nasty humidity, oppressive heat and the grief it is causing me! The hubs has been doing pretty much, it all! Finishing up the remodeling, running kids, making sure the dogs and kids have food etc...( Yes, I know he's all that and heaven too. Please, I hear it enough!) As I was laying there watching Wicked Women I decided that it was time to just say fuck it! Get out the bed, big girl and get your shit done! It isn't going to do it self!

     See, the thing is, the one person who probably knows me better than my mother-shucking sister, is having a baby. She is my Greek goddess. She taught me how to open a combination lock in 6th grade and we were bonded for ever. I had to get out of this house and buy her little spanakopita (spinach pie for the Greek challenged) a gift. It couldn't be breast feeding pads or baby puke cloths. I had to do this myself. It needed to be from me and have my touch!  I did it.  While I was out, sweating my ass off, I also bought myself a little something to wear. It wasn't anything special and it sure is hell not the size I want but if I don't feel good in the skin I have right now, how will I ever start working on getting where I want?

     As of right this moment, I have a lot of things going through my mind.  I'm having some more intense Lupus symptoms flaring up along with the Chron's.  I've got my mind set on fighting through some of this fatigue and taking back the time I spend in bed.  I need to focus on my diet, exercise, and inner health.  Not to get all, crunchy granola on any body but I'm thinking getting back to as much organic as possible and very close to vegetarian minus some fish and an occasional filet mignon.  I also need to find the energy to get my run on.  It makes me such a calmer person.  I feel so strong when I run and even stronger when people are shocked that I run with Lupus.  Enough of my rah rah rah self-cheerleading! I just like to share, for those who have Lupus and for those that don't. You can always start over and change yourself!

     I figure I should wind this long winded all about me blog up! I have a busy day tomorrow.  I get to see my Greek Goddess and all my girls from high school and college. We get to drink Bloody Mary's and champagne toasts til we are silly and make her jealous! I also have convinced the Greek to let me take some pics of her belly! There is nothing as beautiful as a pregnant woman and her belly. I did it 4 times and never had one picture! So, I'm absolutely thrilled to think I can give her that.  Ahhh, the beer and sentiments of the evening are getting to me!  It's time to call it quits!

Take Care of You....

The Lupus Funk.....

     Dusting off the cobwebs and scaring the dust bunnies off this computer, because it's been quite sometime since I've had anything to say!  Most people would say that's a big fat lie! I'm always running off the mouth about one thing or another. Just lately I feel like I lost my "umph" to make light of or poke fun at Lupus or myself.  Or even other asshats around me.  It's so not me.  I think I have a Lupus funk!  And aside from the other shittastic things that Lupus does to me now it has given me this.

     I would clinically describe the Lupus funk as the inability to find  one single thing to give a fuck about!  I don't give one fuck that the Royal baby is over due.  I give even less fucks that the montage of reject female pop stars are shaving heads and piercing their lady bits! And least of all I have run out of every fuck I have to give, when I listen to "friends" complain about their first world problems as if the world will end if you were fifteen minutes late to work because there was a back up at the drive through to get your non-fat soy mocha-sucka-latte!  That is the Lupus Funk.

     I think I caught the Funk this weekend.  I very much enjoyed myself. We went to a food truck rally and tried amazing little bites of all kinds of amazing foods and sweets on Friday night. Then Saturday morning  I got to watch the Little play ball and drink my morning coffee.  Followed up by an impromptu garage sale/BBQ/pool party with the whole fam damily and my besties Lu & Opie! We had such a blast! I was a good girl. I stayed in the shade as much as possible, at well, and didn't over serve myself beer.  But sure as shit, the Funk got me.

   It's over a 100 degrees here with the heat index and equally as humid.  My hands are swollen like sausages ready to burst. My joints are screaming for me to just lay still cause the weight of my plump ass makes them miserable.  I have ulcers in my nose and mouth.  All I want to do is lay in bed and feel sorry for my Funky self  with my monster dogs who also hate the heat ( thank goodness for a king size bed)!  I feel funky and I don't give a fuck who knows it! But that really is a big fat lie.

     While I lay here watching Southern Fried Homicide, the hubs and the spawn are off to the besties to swim, BBQ, and drink icy cold beverages.  I want to do it.  I need to do it.  I need to get off my ass and go enjoy all of it!  But I'm afraid to make the Funk mad! Will it get worse? Will I be even more funky tomorrow? I can't decide but the itty bitty part of my sappy side can't stand to miss out on the boys in the pool and hanging out with my friends! Hmmmmm, what to do?  I think I will take a shower and think on it. Check back in tomorrow and I'll let ya know who won.  Me or the Funk!

Take Care of You.....

If at first you don't suceed.....

     Apparently, I am a glutton for punishment or a dare devil. It's whatever side you  look at it! We are headed back to the lake with the entire fam damily!   It's America's Independence Day so why should I miss out on all the festivities. Nothing says a good time like the Oldest being miserable with forced family fun, the others yelling when are we going to get there , and me with the butterflies in my belly! I don't want to be sick.  I don't want to get sun burned.  I don't want to miss out on the fun! I'm just a touch nervous. Not to mention, I have to squeeze my large ass into a swim suit! Woohoo!

    I'm heading out tomorrow to buy the biggest hat I can find and I've packed every sunscreen with in a 5 mile radius! I'm going to rock this shit! After the week I have had, I damn well deserve it!  First, the major irritation of my Mistakiest Mistake* and his clan throwing a hillbilly hell of a shin dig and involving my 2 oldest spawn, making them miserable, in turn, making me miserable. Second, we decide on a whim to redecorate the entire main living space of our house.  Nothing says "too close for comfort" like 6 people and 2 massive beasts with no living space furniture! We all hate each other, pretty much. Well, hate is a strong word but none of us want to have any delay in the process of getting back to normal! And lastly, third, I just want to enjoy the Summer. By this time last year I had my white-girl Beyoncé going. I was all shades of tan with fake ass blonde hair and big butt. In my mind, I looked like Beyoncé but most important we were having fun and I felt good! I want to have fun and feel good!

     I'm keeping this one short and sweet because I have to get back to packing! I'm also bringing my running stuff.  I think maybe I have lost my damn mind! I think I'm going to boat, sun, play, and run! Who knows, maybe it will work out! Or it won't and I'll have hilarious stories of my misadventures.  Either way, I'm in 100% and ready to get my toes in the water and ass in the sand! Hope everyone has an enjoyable holiday or weekend, which ever you choose to celebrate! I'll be celebrating everything even if it is just that  I made it through the mini get away without selling the boys to an Amish farm!

Take Care of You....


* Mistakiest Mistake will be explained in a later blog for those who do not know.

Our Life with Lupus

     Officially, I'm the laziest blogger ever! No, screw that, I have Lupus! I can't let my lack of blogging guilt me, too. ( Even though I totally do.) Things have been a lot of the same since the trip to the lake.  Medsday Sunday, means Mother Fucking Monday (MFM). I refer to is as that with sheer honesty.  I, as the mother, feel like I am getting fucked over every single Monday!  The Littlest plays tee-ball every Monday, and I've never made it to a Monday night game ever! It kills me!  To see him in all his 5 year old swagger with 7 pieces of bubble gum in his mouth and his batting gloves in his back pocket, kiss me and walk out the door. I cry usually when they leave. I try to shower. I think it will soothe my soul and my physical pain, but usually I just don't. I wait til my meds get the better of my brain and hope that Train Wreck Tuesday is better.

     Train Wreck Tuesday(TWT) is my idea of lets try to make-up for the shit I didn't get done the day before.  That is also some sort of cruel joke I play on my self as well! The Middle usually gets the Littles breakfast and lets the dogs out before I even make it down the stairs.  It's funny how I can't exactly decide how I feel til I stand in the hallway between the bathroom and the kitchen.  It's my crossroads.  It's right there I decide whether I'm going to take my meds and go back to bed or take my meds and have a coffee.  Sounds like life altering shit right there doesn't it?  It is to me.  When I can't start my day with my boys, I'm missing out and counting on the Middle to carry the weight of worrying about me and watching over the Littles. Its unfair to both of us, and usually no matter how I feel everyone knows whether I'm pushing it or not.  TWT is usually a low key day because the Little plays ball on TWT.   The hubs coaches his team and the Little is bad ass. But he's shy, cool, calm bad ass. Like a real athlete should be.  He does his job and doesn't show boat.  I've only seen 2 Tuesday games.  Mostly because I over did it in the morning and fall asleep. The hubs won't wake me, but the Little is pretty good about giving me the play by play. It will never make up for time missed but it does heal my heart some.



 

     So, I'm not going to bore you with my everyday woes and wanes.  Kind of pointless and really damn redundant.  I'm pretty sure I told the hubs the other day that this shit was getting really, old really quick.  Truly it is. I rely so much on the Hubs and the older kids. I can't help be thrilled to be so  fortunate to have a husband that understands that Lupus is our life not my illness.  My oldest boys are the most understanding and accommodating to what I can and can not do it is amazing.  They give me no business about anything, when I can't make it or miss parts that I'm dying to be a part of. They also know this is our life.  I like to think, that in the long run, the Hubs and I are making them better men, husbands, and eventually fathers.  Life with Lupus as a family is really teaching us a lot!

 

 

 

     Apparently I am the only one on the low end of the learning curve with this Life with Lupus shit!  First forced family function to the ball park, 87 degrees with 90% humidity, full sun, 3rd base line, nothing but processed pork products and beer! Hell yeah! Sign me up! I live for these days! I bought a new tank and linen pants, bug eye sunglasses, sunscreen factor eleventy billion, and I'm all set.  Lupus is not going to ruin my day at the ball park! Score, yet another, for Lupus! Sun burned, dizzy, sweat through my linen pants, and over all just want to die. Time for me to go and the entire family wants to chew the face off of someone else in the car! HOT ASS MESS! That's all I am going to say about that!

 

     Saturday is here, my belly has still not recovered. Pretty sure doc is right and Chron's it is. My skin is peeling off, joints are beyond pain and I'm all blotchy, so I look like a hobbling leper.  But what do I think will cure that, my Hubs homemade meatballs in red sauce and copious amounts of red wine! I'm not going to win any battles I'm fighting today. I think it's best to just fill my belly with what I love and spend time with those I love more. That's Life with Lupus today!

 

 

Take Care of You....



Yeah for Summer, I think.....

     Yeah, it's the first week of summer vacation! Womp Womp Womp!  Last week I got the grandeur idea that we would spend our first weekend of break,  up at the lake house! Take the whole fam damily , bring my brothers-from-another mother, drink boat drinks, have campfires, play hard, and enjoy the fresh air! When will I ever learn?  Two days before we leave I knew it, fever , back pain, blah, blah,blah,. I won a kidney infection! Woohoo! But, antibiotic and even more sunscreen I should be fine! Dr.C also prescribed me a non-steroidal stronger anti-inflammatory, hoping that will relieve my sausage fingers and Miss Piggy bloated face. Yeah for all those things! Boo that it makes me feel like a narcoleptic! Take it and I'm out mid sentence!  But I'm on it! These things won't stop me! I've got Super Lupus powers!

     Ha! What a fucking joke! The day we are leaving I'm fighting with hubs. He wants me to stay home.  He swears he can handle it all, I know he can.  He wants me to take the 3 days and rest. I use my go to answer, "Just let me take a nap. I'll feel better when I get up?". That's such a crock of shit! A nap doesn't cure anything but tiredness. It doesn't make joint pain, T-rex  retching, or kidney infections miraculously go! But damn it! I'm going to try! The hubs and the boys took the beasts to be boarded, packed the car, stocked the cooler and gassed up the monster truck.  All was ready, and the hubs asked me one last time, what was I going to do?

     Of course, I'm going.  Who will take the pictures? What if the littlest finally decides to tube?  What if the biggest fish in the lake gets caught? I knew if I stayed home I would lay in bed, feel sorry for myself, text the hubs every 5 minutes for a play by play of what was going on.  So, I'm going. We pack in to the monster truck and head off.  The hubs is always so good and patient. We stop to stretch. I'm still not feeling good but I'm going to fake it til I make it.  The kids are beyond thrilled and that makes it worth it. Right?

     Arrival to the lake is always beautiful! There is truly nothing more peaceful than the fresh air and a still lake.  Boys unpacked everything. Immediately take to the dock, the sand, the fishing, and hammock swinging commences.  This is when the hubs and I crack a beer, cheers each other for not going insane in the car, and realize how lucky we are to have a place like this!  Well, not so much. Lupus, that joy stealing crotch, raging her ugly ways. I hug the hubs and go to our room.  I just couldn't fake it anymore. I have to lay down. I'm nauseated, my feet are frozen in pain, nothing seems to be working right and the brain fog is beyond functioning.  I'm glad my little brother- from- another- mother is around to give the hubs someone to talk to because I'm down for the count!

     The weekend went on as usual! Everyone had fun and I peeked in and out every chance I could get my shit together.  I was glad I was there.  It is still nice to hear the fun even if you aren't part of it.  I did manage to completely drop the ball when it came to Father's Day.  I felt like a total ass.  I just couldn't get anything prepared, go anywhere, or do anything.  I owe the hubs so much more than one day recognition but it is an absolute kick in the teeth when I couldn't even manage that.  He always says he understands and I pretty much believe he does. He's just so understanding and good that  my crazy brain makes me wonder if he is really one of those guys from a Lifetime movie and is going to just snap! HAHAHAHA! That was totally for his benefit because he always harasses me about the crazy stuff I watch on t.v.

   Back to home and ready for a fun filled summer.  I'm not going to lie. I'm kind of nervous.  I've never been on all these meds.  I've never had a flare go on this long.  All I want to do is be able to keep up with these boys and enjoy the little bit of warm weather we get in the mitten state.  The sun has never given me issues before but I've never had so many issues before.  I do not want my boys to remember this as the summer that mom was sick.  So, I won't let that happen! If it means huge floppy hats and bug eye sunglasses, I'm going to be that girl! I may even find some friends to follow me around and take my picture. People will think I'm a celeb or something! Or not! Either way, I'm just going to keep on keeping on til August 30th when I see the "new ,latest, and greatest" rhuemmy! Maybe he can fix me, since apparently a nap won't!

Take Care of You...

Ramblings from me....

     I technically have no real rhyme or reason to where this blog is going or why I'm writing it.  I assume it is to  write  the things I like to say but can't. Or it could be, to take back the things I said in a moment of weakness because now I realize it was undeserved. Either way, this is my place do what I want, so if you don't want to listen to me ramble on about a whole lot of nothing, you are free to ignore this blog....just come back some other time cause usually I have a point. Today just may be one of those days I don't.

     I'm fairly put off at some peoples idea of family. Family is not blood, always. Family is not a necessity or value, always.  Family should not be pushed on you, ever. You should be able to choose who you call family, with out feeling guilty.  In a family everybody body  has a voice, an opinion, and a right to be heard.  Family is always your soft place fall and should never make you feel bad.  Whom ever falls into those categories for you, that is your choice.  I, personally, have a very small circle that I call family. 80%  of  them are not blood related. I don't feel bad about that, and nor do I feel slighted. I've seen "blood relatives" lie, back stab, disrespect, abuse, belittle, and take until the river ran dry from each other. I never want that for my boys. That is why they have a very wide mix of people in their circle of family. I will never change this. I also will not let wolves in sheep's clothing walk in and out at their convenience. Time spent in their lives should be more than just a luxury or vacation, it should be a burning desire to fight for come hell or high water even when things aren't  postcard picturesque. So, yes as I re-read this, it's a little preachy, but it's not just for me.  It's for a lot of people I know.  Stand up for yourself and your family and don't take anything from anyone anymore. I know I am not.

     Ewwww, that was very high an mighty of me. But guess what? I don't give a damn.  Yesterday was kind of a cluster fuck of a family day.  The littlest started us out at 5a.m. buy dumping a liter of water on the two of us all warm and snug in our bed. I still got the move on with optimistic feelings and warm coffee in my hand.  The plans of making a big family dinner with my mother shucking sister & her spawn, watching the little play ball, and ending the night with a nice glass of wine. That was the Norman Rockwell hopes for the day.  When in reality, all of those things happened, but not at all was any of it picturesque. Rude interruptions from a far, fits, crying, dirty faces, freezing cold ball games, under done orrechettie pasta at 8:30, exhausted feelings, fear and me feeling not so well. How the hell did this happen? Life just happened. When life "just happens" and you have Lupus, it can set of a shit storm of symptoms.

     I went to bed worn out and overwhelmed.  I woke up worn out and overwhelmed.  I figured I could let this day get away from me. Let the exhaustion, nausea, hives, and tension headache eat away at me and lay in bed with the littlest all day.  Then I realized letting any of that get in the way of me appreciating what I value so much everyday is just stupid. I'm going to not take for granted what I have in my family circle and enjoy them. It may not be perfect but it's mine and they want to be here. That's what is important.

Take Care of You

Where's the Hidden Camera?

 Oh Monday....you are such a nasty bitch!

     Sunday is my meds day.  I take my MTX.  It doesn't hit me as hard as it used to but I still get a little pukey and just worn out.  Up and running first thing this morning to get the boys out the door, I go bounding(my version of bounding, which is really more of a hobble) down to the basement to get the dog out side for the morning and holy hell it hit me.  My brain & belly got a delayed message that I was up and active and decided to put an immediate stop to that! All of a sudden sweaty, mouth watering nausea and panic(because the closest bathroom is the Boy's bathroom) took over. I'll spare  you the rest of the gory details ( courtesy to my hubs) but needless to say the dying dinosaur appeared ! I collect my self, tell the kids I'll be right there, and then holy hell the toilet starts over flowing! Fuck My Life right now! This is not my job, this is not my thing! Damn it, I don't even know where the plunger is!

     Conveniently, plunger is right next to the toilet!( You learn something new everyday) I plunge away, flowing water everywhere, and freaking out cause why the fuck is this not working? The inner smarter me, kicks in and says put down the plunger and walk away! I did. I walked away. Got some towels, washed my hands like a brain surgeon scrubbing in for surgery, brushed my teeth, and went back in determined not to call the hubs crying for help!

   Towels placed on the floor, garden clogs on, plunger in hand and just like that, I did it! Officially, I can now add plumber to my list of talents! I was so proud! Until I realized that their is a reason that plumbers charge so much, the clean up is beyond disgusting! Clean up, re-scrubbed myself, and back to Monday I go! No big deal, just one mishap! Resume routine...dogs out, kids fed, dogs back in, kids out, dogs fed, dogs back out, morning meds in, and finally dogs back in so the littlest and I can relax! Or so I thought. Damn that Daisy!

     Dogs go to come in and that Daisy has managed to devise yet another way to get into the pond and my beautiful fawn mastiff is covered in pond sludge and happy as hell! OMG. Who is video taping this? Where is the Punked crew? I have no dog shampoo. The dogs get groomed. They are huge. My hands aren't strong enough to hold them. But I have to clean her. I get a towel, her leash and the littles Avengers soap.   I have no choice! Hose and dog in hand I'm expecting an absolute shit show of Daisy and I on the deck! Nope, she sits there like a princess. Happy as hell to be getting a bath! Jeebus Crust, does she think this is a reward? What have I done now? Oh well, at least she's clean and dry.  The littlest and I can finally have our chill out time. Or not! The littlest can ask for a mustache.

     Really, a mustache?  Ok, I'm game. I'll draw him a mustache. Hell, I'll give him a mustache, goatee, and chops if he wants them. As long as we can just cuddle and play brain games on the ipad after! Oh no. Not today, he wants a real mustache!  Well, I may be a plumber but I cannot stimulate hair growth on a five year old. I'm good, not that good!  He cries. I cry. We compromise with he can play Xbox and listen to the ipad at the same time! Screw it! I'm picking my battles and if he rots his brain for an hour this morning so I can share the unbelievable morning I had, so be it!  If I didn't write this down, no one would believe it!

 All is well now!


Take Care of You.....

  

Letting it go.....

     There is nothing easy about being the momma to four boys. There is nothing easy about Lupus.  Put those together and it's just short of overwhelming.  This morning was one of those mornings.  These type of mornings that are just a whirlwind of jock straps, dirty cleats,missing baseball hats, forgotten water bottles and four letter words. The littlest (A) had his first tee ball game and pictures. The little (B) had ball game and pictures. The middle (C) had football camp. The biggest(D) has a district final  games potentially a double header for the championship.  All of which happen with in a few miles of each other and all about the same time. Not nearly enough time for the hubs and I to do it all alone. I called in the boys Aunt Chris. We have it all set. Then life happens!

     Torrential rain over the past few days has all things FUBAR. B's game cancelled but still pictures. D's game post-poned for 3 hours. A & C things are still a go. So, Aunt Chris got relieved of her duties and the hubs is managing it all. The reason he is managing it all, is because of the fabulous humidity  and my need to over due it yesterday trying to clean and get everything ready for today.  God bless that man. I swear he is not perfect. He can actually be a total ass at times. But when it comes to these things I think he needs a medal!

     I'm in bed, medicated with two foul smelling mastiffs! My legs are in a pain I can only explain of as what James Caan must have felt in the movie Misery when Kathy Bates hobbled him. It's making me a little loopy it hurts so bad. Loopy and foggy are also a charming talent when I try to be productive by emailing and signing the kids up for summer activities. I can't remember who's what age and which sport I'm emailing about. I'm a one woman shit show!  My own self guilt for missing things and not spending time with the hubs has my belly in knots and keeping no food down.  I'm passed the point of foggy pain and just moved on to my one woman pity party. ( Seriously, the way these dogs smell no one would come to my party anyway)

    This pity party includes an ipad, my iphone(aka my woobie), my laptop, 250lbs of dogs, and at least 11 pillows.  This is just in bed. I also require my air conditioner, a fan and two sets of clothes on the floor ( one for when I'm freezing and the other for when the sweats kick in). On my night stand I have my water glass with straw (teeth sensitive thanks MTX), remote control, and house phone.  Just when I think I have everything covered to lay here and feel sorry for myself I realize I need my glasses because I can't read the tv guide from the bed! Damn it! I have important decisions to make here. I must see!

     These important decisions I have to make will determine how crazy my texts will get later.  I'm beyond obsessed with NatGeo and ID.  I flip flop between my fascination with Alaska and creepy psycho killers. Alaska is winning right now. I seriously have this plan working in my brain of a relocation there (that is a blog in it's own right)!  I will probably switch to ID and watch a Wicked Women marathon  for a while. Nothing makes a bedridden medicated woman feel better about herself than a show about husbands who woo needy women into killing their chronically ill wives for the insurance money! Ha! I'm just getting sillier as this goes.

   I'm so glad I started doing this! I already feel a little better for just laughing at myself and writing down my self guilt issues. I realize I need to get over it, because those who know me and love me understand. Even the wee littlest won't hold it against me so I should let it go! So, that's what I'll try! The pain, well that's just going to be there today. So, a nap and some meds and hopefully a nice family dinner. Funny, I'm already feeling a little better.

Take Care of You

Lupus can suck it!

     Well, isn't this just appropriate. What a wonderful holiday weekend me and the fam had at our little piece of heaven. The boys fished their hearts out. They even got in the water and tubed. The air temperature was cool but in the sun it was beautiful.  The hubs and I got to be together but still spend time with Mom and Dad. We talked about all kinds of things, played cards, and watched the Memorial Day tribute together. That's our tradition.  My soul felt warmed by the reality that summer was just around the corner and all the fun things that I have to look forward to.


     For the most part, I took it easy. I napped when I needed it, I didn't bake in the sun. I ate well and never over did it with the drinks.  I was good! So, now I'm pissed!  We came home to a little rain and dampness.  I started to feel the aches coming but I just figured it would be something that a little rest could cure.  The hubs had to travel across the pond for work. We kissed him good bye and the whole clan was ready for bed.  I took all my meds including my Methotextrae (MTX) watched my DVR'd show and went to bed. Then bam like a train hit me, I fell apart.

     Fever, sweats, leg cramps, excruciating joint pain in my legs from hips to the tips of my toes. Shoulder pain so bad I couldn't lay down. My heart was palpating and I was vomiting like Linda Blair! My brain was confused.  I felt so great for the passed few weeks. Why? What the fuck did I do to get thrown back into the flare?  I  thought I put this out of the way for awhile. I assumed that I was going to have a nice decent stretch of time to just feel normal again. But no, not for me!  I'm mad!

     This is the mental mind fuck of Lupus and the trick it played on me. It has me in such a mood. I can't decide what to do.  The bitch inside of me says to just take today for a fluke instance and that I will be back to feeling good with just a little R&R.  But there is that small weak person inside my head that  says this is your life suck it up. Don't expect anything more than one good day at a time. I don't trust that either of those voices inside me are the truth of what my life holds for me and that is scary.

I'm not a scared person. I'm not someone who enjoys sitting on the sideline  of my life. But most of all I am not a person who likes to lose.  So, I will fight. I will fight through this and walk cautiously when I do feel well and not expect anything . Enjoy the day and time in front of me.

 Shameless sappy shout out to my mother-shucking sister for taking her day off to come take care of me and the boys. It means all the world to me.  I hate that she has to see me like this but there would be no way I could have gotten through today with out her!  She brought all her spoons to share with me so I can get back to good.

Take Care of You....


     

It's Summer Time

     The official start of summer. The official start of Forced Family Fun! Woohoo! Nothing gives me the warm and fuzzies like a three and a half our car ride with the whole fam damily and the smelly beasts! Actually, it's not that bad! The hardest part for me is truly the sitting and potential stiff, painful legs.  I'm hoping that since I am feeling better it won't be such an issue this trip!

  So here's to bloody Mary breakfasts, boat drink lunches, and cold beer dinners! That's just part of the fun! Boat rides, fishing off the dock, and watching my crazy boys jump off the dock for the first time into the freezing cold lake!  These are the things memories are made of. Big breakfasts made by the hubs, hot dog lunches on the beach, and late evening bbq dinner with smores for dessert! Those are my favorites, because I have to do barely any of the cooking!

   Even better than that is grandma & grandpa! They are the best.  When I need to rest or if I over due it they are always there to pitch in with the boys. Fixing tangled fishing poles, playing baseball, or handing out chores so they can earn their keep.  The hubs and I also enjoy them. We have fun watching the Tigers games, playing Euchre, catching up on politics and just hanging out. They really do treat me more like a daughter than an in-law and for that I am so lucky! Mom ( I call my in-laws Mom & Dad) always revels in my direct parenting style and shares her concerns about how I do it all with Lupus. It's nice to tell her, it's only feasible because of the amazing son she raised. And just about everything the boys do Dad tears up because they are all the apple of his eye!

   This is not a "bragging blog" or "look how lucky I am" statement. What it is, is me finally being able to see the forest for the trees and be happy. I'm not worried about the what if's when we are there. It is my little piece of fantasy land where my children can run like wild monkeys, the hubs can nap in the hammock and I can go for a run in woods! We sing country music loud, make raging fires, and forget about work, school, sports, and most importantly Lupus!

  Can't wait to share the stories and pictures when I get back! I'm so excited to start taking pictures again! My sappy and happiness is just disgustingly overwhelming! It's certain to at least dial down a notch once we get in the car and the littles start asking how long til we are there and  the dog starts stinking up the car! But that is life, well mine at least, and I feel very fortunate for all I have despite Lupus.

Take Care of You

Waiting for the other shoe to drop....

     I feel good!  It's so scary to say out loud. It's been a little over a week and my goodness, I've had such little issues with my Lupus I'm scared.  I'm walking on eggshells, so to speak.  I feel like I'm undercover, hiding from a stalker. Just waiting for the son of a bitch to show up and snatch my life away from me again. I don't want to feel like this, I want to enjoy this!

    I spent the weekend watching the boys play baseball and it was fun.  I went to the greenhouse and bought all my flowers and even a flat of corn. It only took me a few days to get it all done! Last year I didn't even get outside. I managed to sit on the patio and drink beers ,and get some sun! No repercussions!  I couldn't believe it,  myself!  It just feels so nice to be functioning! I'm not going to lie. I'm still napping a lot, but I'm spending more time being me and it's nice. Looks like that 6 week plan is working out!

    The holiday weekend is fast approaching and I can't wait to get to the lake! I need my boys, campfires, fishing, bbq food, boat drinks, and relaxation.  I think that will help me except that this summer is going to be good. That I'm going to be on top of this Lupus bullshit and I'm in charge.  I'm truly going with these positive thoughts and that's that.

    So here it goes, cleaning, packing and prepping! When I get back I'm sure there will be plenty of pictures and stories to share. And hopefully nothing but healthy vibes from me! 

     Take Care of You...

Sleepless In Dearborn....

     Well, isn't this just par for the course! I spend the better part of the week laying low, taking care of myself, and behaving and now I can't sleep for anything! It's fucking ridiculous how irritated I am right now.  I assume I should really learn to accept nothing less than two steps forward and one step back.  I assume that is what I was laying in bed arguing with myself about anyway.  So I figured why not get up and bitch about it for everyone to read what the voices in my head are conversing about at 3 a.m. in the morning.

     For the most part I did a lot of medication taking, sleeping, and watering flowers.  Oh yes! Trying week I know.  I'm sure there is a majority of people that share in the sentiment " I wish I had your life". It's certainly not all it's cracked up to be. I had a lot of pressure on me to be the optimal Lupus patient this week.  The hubs really gets his panties in a bunch when he travels across the pond and I'm less than in mediocre health.  A. Because I bitch. B. Because he stresses. C. Because I bitch D. Because the time change is hell on our communication and it makes me bitch.  So, I was a good girl. Finally, felt good today.  Went to the salon to make the spring change to blonde and wispy. I felt normal.  I indeed felt so normal that I finally got to see the biggest of the boys play baseball for the first time all season!

*DISCLAIMER* This blog was interrupted by a damn Windows 8 upgrade. Which then logged me out of everything. And with loveliness of brain fog I forgot my son of mother ducking password. There for I had to get technical help from some ass clown. Giving my train of thought an entire misguided direction into "How much I'd love to stick my foot up Bill Gates ass, land!"   

  I finally got to shred the crown of worst mother ever. I saw the boy's start at Varsity catcher. Yeah, and I didn't burst into a hideous rash from the sun or die from the fresh air! Score one point for me!  I still had the pangs of Mother's guilt because I wasn't my typical loud mouth self, screaming at the ump and taking pictures.  But I was there. It felt good.  It did feel so good, that I really want to go watch him tomorrow too. Along with, do some laundry, plant a few flats of plants, give the dogs a bath, make a crab boil, drink cold beers in the sunshine, clip coupons, make a meal plan and take a nap!

   I'm pretty sure not even half of that will get done. I'd be thrilled with just a few of those things.  There was a time when I could do that and not worry.  Now I know better.  Knowing better doesn't always feel better. But I will do what I can and report back with all the great details! I'm hoping to pull out the camera. So, maybe even some actual pictures, and not just the ones off my phone.

    As far as the running goes, haven't quite been able to jump back on that bandwagon yet. I'm hoping that Sunday or Monday will be the right time. It seems some of the tweaking of meds is working in my favor. It appears that I will be able to start back slow and steady! I'm looking forward to it. For anybody who has ever run, you understand what I mean when I say, it is it's own therapy!

    Not exactly any more tired, but I have less things running through my head.  Time for some Night-Nite tea my mother-shucking sister bought me and to let go of the hateful feelings I have toward Mr.Gates.

Take Care of You...

It been a while...oops!

     I'll admit it, I suck! Its been almost a week and nope I haven't reported anything.  It's been almost a week and I've done so much and experienced so much and still haven't shared anything, I suck! To be completely honest I didn't even realize I hadn't blogged since last Wednesday or that today was Tuesday til about 4.7 seconds ago, I have absolutely no concept of time.  I feel like I've been sucked into a weird time/space continuum of feeling well, acting well, recovering from life while pretending being to well, and not feeling so well. I suck at playing all these "Lupus roles" as well as the other people I play in my life! I'll admit I have no shame!

     Briefly, since last Wednesday, I had girls night, ran in the Color Rad race, froze my ass of at my first Tiger's game of the season, did the Mother's Day, and now suffer the recovery of all that before the hubs has to travel. Really, none of this is easy.  But I tried to pick up little lessons of wisdom as I went through the roles of the weekend.

1. Ladies at the craft store are bitchy ,pretentious ,unhelpful snots!
Tee making supplies easy to find. Tulle for grown woman who want to make tutu's to run in, I have no damn idea! So asking around and searching, as if I was going to suck the life out of their crafty beings, no one wanted to help me and my fabulous Aunt Chris. I felt like they were intentionally giving me wrong advice and directions as if to thwart me away from the fabric cutting lady. They knew my lack of craft knowledge would slow her down! I figured it out and we managed ourselves. But for future notice, the craft store shouldn't sell $80 scissors and have such rude ass people!

     

T-shirts and tutu's were made! Girls night was a blast! We did the spa, ate room service, drank wine and relaxed before our run! Crafty bitches have nothing on that!

 

2.I'm not at good at recovery as I used to be.

As Lupus and I are progressing together I realize I don't bounce back quite like I used to. Cold, damp weather, exercise, whacky sleep, and booze all kick my ass. I had all that wrapped into one, then add emotional instability due to all those factors and Mother's Day! By Monday I was a train wreck waiting to happen.  I love all those things wrapped up into a weekend. I used to plan that stuff regularly! Now I have to space them out around huge gaps of time. I'm still not feeling great. I'm kicking myself and thankful the hubs isn't too mad that I've been a crotchety crank to be around since the weekend.  Just gave me a little insight into making a 6 week plan of healthy choices and decisions for getting the summer started out right and so that I can party like a rock star occasionally!



 

3. I do not deal with my grief  well and I deal with everyone else's even worse.

Mother's Day will always suck.  As much as I try to ignore it and fake it. Being a motherless person on Mother's Day sucks. The anniversary of said motherless -ness always falling on or around Mother's Day really sucks. I try to focus everything around everything but that.  I try to be there for my mother-shucking sister. I do that by serving copious amounts od red wine carbohydrates. Which is super healthy for the diabetic. Any thing to keep the focus off the fact that we are without parents but especially with out our mom on Mother's Day! I do pretty good at the avoidance of it.  I send her texts after she is home to talk about it.  I expect a full blown hormonal meltdown at some point during this month  from myself. (This is your warning!)  I'm blessed with great friends, family, and my hubs and boys make it all bearable.  There will just always be something missing.



   4.  Planning on healthiness is scary.

Is this possible? With 4 boys all of whom play sports & a hubs who's travel is picking up. Can I make this happen?  Am I really going to be able to put being healthy, running, and finding a new doctor at the front burner?  Well, here's the kicker.  I have to.  I like nice things to much. I want to enjoy said nice things to much, to not do it.  And I guess, this is my accountability tracker right here. Since, I've put it out there for all of God and country to read, If I don't do it then you will all know! So, tomorrow it's to the gym and meal planning. Back on my running routine and eating better.  I have my hair appointment on Friday and this weekend the garden goes in.  I have to make it through the rest of the week being good and feeling good. I'll let ya know  how that goes.



  Take Care of You....                                                                   

Before I was a Blogger, I just bitched...

     I have a busy brain but also brain fog. Which means for me, I have a lot going on but I can't get it out the way I want.  I have such a fun weekend planned and I've been working at putting my plans in order to be ready for the Detroit Half Marathon. It all starts this weekend with the Color Rad 5K. This race and weekend means so many things to me. I want to blog about that but I just can't put it together yet. So instead I decided to repost something I wrote a while ago. It's relevant because it is about running and that is a lot of what is on my mind today! Enjoy!



 So, everyone keeps telling me I should write a blog. I laugh at that b/c I’m sure it would be amusing until YOU were the subject of my blog….

I decided I needed to write a little something about running. I need to get a few things off my chest…and since there is no blog as of yet I thought a note would be a good source of venting!
I first want to say thanks to everyone for the thumbs up and positive reinforcement! I love it! But I do want to clear up the idea that I post what I run for the praise. I am SO NOT THAT GIRL! I do not post that crap b/c I'm saying “Hey look at me I’m running while you are eating your Egg Mcmuffin & drinking your eleventy billion calorie Starsucks mocha-sucka-latte”. I post to keep me from doing those things!

Off to rant I go…..

My internal love/ hate relationship with running….if for one hot minute I could turn off the fat hamster with mother issues that runs my brain, I’d be a whole lot less crazy (maybe). Every day, I talk myself into and out of running for a million different reasons. Sometimes I just do it in hopes that the voices will just shut the hell up. Needless to say, they don’t. They continue to push me running extra time and faster speeds. (I wonder if these are the same voices Britney Spears heard when she shaved her head and beat the hell out of the paparazzi’s car. I could see myself doing that too…but I’m taking medication for that now)

Sports Bras….ok, first really who the hell sizes these things? I'm a busty girl. I need some support. So, I assume when I buy a size Large “Sports “ bra it’s going to do its job. It’s going to keep the girls where they are supposed to be and not knocking me in the forehead causing a concussion. Because if you haven’t bought a sports bra lately, they come with push-up pads. They are removal but who fucking wants pads in a bra used for exercising? Nothing says sexy like sweat soaked foam that you have to peel off your chest! Or better yet, how bout the band around the bottom of the bra , it would be nice if it stays where it’s supposed to be so that  when I run I don’t have to tuck the “girls” in my shorts! I mean really, I'm trying to be the healthy me could it be a little less at the detriment of my boobs.

Shorts…I’ve tried all of them. I’ve yet to find anything that works. I initially started running in the longer basketball type short. Only to realize 2 things, First, there is nothing flattering about these shorts. I looked at myself and realized I looked very lesbianish. ( Not that I have anything against lesbians.( Actually, I myself would sometimes like a wife) With my uni-boob and long curve hiding shorts it appears I play on Ellen’s team. Second, once I started to lose weight and my shorts started to sag I went from looking like a lesbian to a wanna-be–ganster chick. As if somehow I was trying to look bad ass jogging saggy shorts with my granny panties hanging out! NOT SO MUCH!
I gave up on the long shorts and tried the running shorts! That is God Damn joke! If the size is Large on the short it should resemble something somewhere near a women’s large.( I say a women’s large b/c women know what a large means. Men obviously do not ,seeing how stories about fish & penises go! ) I’m running to get a smaller ass. I want to be able to where the running shorts and not have them creep up the chub-rub on my thighs. If I continue to have to wear these shorts that lie about their size and make me feel like a marshmallow I’m going to lose my shit! Capri pant’s it is for now!

People….I generally love the people in the neighborhood. They are all well meaning friendly folks. But sometimes I want to say STFU! For example, the old man watering his lawn who always says to me,”He doesn’t look tired at all”. This is in reference to Ayden in the jog stroller. Ha Ha Ha! It was mildly amusing the first time you said it. But we are going on a month of seeing each other everyday. I look like a dying moose by the time I run by your house. Don’t try to humor me with your corny old geezer one liner. Come up with something new. Squirt me with the hose. Give me the obligatory head nod. I’d even go for a hi-five or slap on the ass. Just stop with the same shit different day. Running is already pretty monotonous could you try to be a little more original!

Another example would be the perv on his porch smoking his cigar who loves to say, “I’d like that kinda ride”. This is him referring to Ayden and Brady in the double stroller. Don’t get me wrong it is a nice ride. But I’m fairly certain that is not at all what he means! I, at first found it flattering and then I just found him to be a completer creeper! Anyone , who seems to have a fetish over sweaty mothers pushing 75lbs. of kid up hill in the hottest part of the day is probably a whole boat load of wrong. I will now run on the other side of the street ! Thanks!

My last example would be the other runners, walkers, joggers, bikers, rollerbladers,etc….You are all some judgmental mofo’s! I mean ,even me! I would swear on everything holy that those skinny bitch runners pick up the pace with their shortie shorts and perky boobs just to piss me off. Walkers think you are trying to show them up so they slow down right in your path in hopes of tripping you. Bikers will ride right up behind you as if to say…get your slow fat ass out of the way! My favorite is the women I “know” Kevin pays to run by the house and make me feel guilty when I’m being lazy and having a beer on the deck! Bastards!

Having dealt with all this has made me decide that you can all get bent! I’m in it for long haul even if it is just so I have something else to bitch about!  

     So, as you can read not much has changed in my attitude. A lot has changed in my health. But I fully intend on getting back to running that hard and that determined so that I can blog about how I kicked the ass of running with Lupus, despite Lupus, and for Lupus.

Take Care of You....

Binging and Purging....

     For reals, let's clear this up right away, this is not me coming out with an eating disorder!  First, I like food & cooking way to much for all that nonsense! The size of my ass is a true testament to that! Second, I have enough health issues going on to add one more to it! I'm pretty sure if I started claiming eating disorders as well, people would either start calling "bullshit" or commit me for Munchausen.

     After my trip to the doctor on Friday, I wrote a sappy blog, had a minor emotional meltdown,  talked with a great friend,drank a bottle of Cabernet and took a shower . I felt so much better!  Dare I say, almost human! The hubs and I talked that night about what we could do this weekend around the house that would make me "feel better".  Since, I was talking smack about make the weekend my bitch, he figured we better optimize all the energy I thought I had. Two of the major things that needed to be done was swap the boys close from the fall/winter to the spring/summer and put away the laundry that had been accumulated over the last few weeks that I hadn't felt good. Being in a flare for as long as I have some times feels like the zombie apocalypse I grumble ,sleep, and look like death warmed over.  I figured those two chores would make me feel accomplished and like a contributing member of the human race.

   Saturday morning with coffees in hand we head to the attic to start pulling things out of storage. I first make the hubs promise that no judgments will be passed on me as we sort clothes out.  For the record, four boys accumulate a lot of things. Especially when their mother is a binge buyer. When it was all said and done there were a few things I noticed. I had enough soccer shorts to dress a team or six.  I apparently feel the same way about baseball pants because there are probably major league teams that do not have as many pairs as the boys do.  Finally, I have some obsessive need to purchase bathing suits because between the boys the least amount one has is three and the most one has his eight. The other two fall some where between there. Either way, there are a lot of swim trunks in this house!

     The season swap was done!  I was only slightly tired and seriously embarrassed at the fact I was feeling guilty because the boys "had nothing to wear". The things I let myself obsess over when I should be resting is ridiculous!  With all that done I felt good enough on Sunday to do some shopping and get some groceries. Trying to avoid putting away the mountain of clothes that a family of 6 make. I went into my room ( where the baskets were) to take a nap.  They were taunting me. My brain would not shut the hell up.  It kept saying things like "how can you rest in a mess like this" and "what if your mother-in-law saw this".  Obviously, my brain is a selfish bitch and didn't realize I needed a nap. In order to quiet the bitch in my head I started purging my drawers. Then I did the same thing to my closet.  If I'm going to put all the clothes away they got to go somewhere.

     After my amazingly cleansing purge, there was an enormous amount of space to put stuff away. Until my binge issue came back to the fore front.  I apparently think that tanks and cami's must be bought by the dozen. Because I have at least three dozen of them.  I also have a serious love for running shorts, yoga pants, and jammies. I did truly get rid of a lot, donated almost all of it , and hid just a few things. ( An infant Speedo, a pair of baby socks, a Lion King winter hat, and a ripped up tank from Vegas) I had to draw the line on some things!


    After my super productive weekend, I have sore everything. But it was worth it.  Still waiting on Dr.C to call with the results of my lab work. I'm not going to let that bother me though! I finally got that bossy bitch inside my head to shut up, so I'm going to take a nap.

Take Care of You...

2 for the price of one Friday....

     Well, fuck me running! I wasn't expecting this crappy of a Friday after the last few days I've had. I went from feeling good enough to enjoy a mid-week beer or 3 out with the hubs to experiencing damn near every Lupus symptom in the days since. Joint pain that no narcotic could touch. Fever and night sweats that had me shivering so bad that I only was certain it wasn't a seizure is that I was completely lucid. Hives and itchiness that even a enough Benadryl to knock out an elephant wouldn't  help! Fatigue all day and insomnia all night. Canker sores, nausea, and well you get the picture with out any more description! I felt less than stellar. I was going to wait it out. Figuring it had to give. Well, I gave in.

     I call my doc, Dr.C.  We have a pretty good relationship but he is very busy. When I spoke to receptionist and said she couldn't see me until next Wednesday, there were two options. I could either turn into "oh hell to the no, that is not going to work" or cry. I cried. I was broken. I couldn't muster up enough bad ass to be "that girl" so I was honest and just said I couldn't wait. I needed to be seen. On hold for 2 minutes and then I was given the 8:15 a.m. appt. Note to self, sometime you do catch more bees with honey, or in my case sobbing like a blubbering fool!

     The rest of the night consisted a lot of the same craptastic-ness. Me feeling guilty because the hubs is managing all four boys and both beasts. Running between two different baseball practices and missing games because for us it really does take two to run this circus! He did floors, yard work, fed and bathed them all. It really is through sickness and through health. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering that. Spent a little time with the all the boys and then the rest of the night tossing and turning praying for some relief today.

   Boy was I in for a shocker. Dr.C came in the office took one look at me and "you look like hell". Well, I sure do appreciate his bedside manner but I already knew that. He yelled at me for waiting for the few days to be seen. He griped about a few other things but mostly came to the conclusion that this Lupus thing is probably not  the only thing going on. He said in pretty clear terms that he suspects that I also have Fibromyalgia. WTF!  I'm like, ummm, no! There is absolutely no time for this. He agreed and apologized. He grumbled at the lack of communication he has had with my current rhuemmy and was going to give him a call later. Vials of blood were drawn, an EKG , pressure points for pain, a pat on the back and off I go til Monday.

     I'll be damned! Why is my body letting me down? Why is my body refusing to bounce back like it used to, like it should do?  The feeling of failure is devastating. I don't fail. Things generally come easy to me. Why is it set back after set back? Why is it compromise after compromise? I'm becoming so resentful and jaded. I feel angry and ugly on the inside. Why should I keep on working for this  state of health when I'm not seeing any positive results?  These are the things that in the deepest scariest parts of my mind and heart.

     My life with Lupus and possibly Fibromyalgia is a worthy cause and worth the fight. Hell, I've donated more time and energy into less deserving causes. I am completely capable of doing the same to myself, for myself, and for my family.  I'm on a mission to find a place for me and my health. A place to ease my mind, refresh my body and face another day with how ever many chronic illnesses I end up with. Too much truly matters to me to settle for anything less than that.

Take care of you....

Sunday Funday

     Sunday Funday used to be a lot more fun, but not so much anymore! Meds day moved to Sunday...Boo! Used to be after the "chore whore" part of the day was done, Sunday turned into my double fisting bloody Mary's and sports watching all day. Those days are damn near nil. I'm a sad girl. But apparently, it's the wiser, grown up, healthy Lupus patient, momma, wife, and queen bitch thing to do. Instead, I'm delegating my chores to the spawn!

     I'm making a list and checking it twice but these boys ( even the wee one) will be playing the role I usually do. The more I think about it, I'm feeling less guilty for treating them like help. They don't mind treating me that way!  I am one person. I am the only female person. I make one set of dishes and generally don't make a lot of laundry(jammers and yoga pants are maybe one load). I never pee on the seat and I don't play baseball. So, there should be no reason I clean up all their mess today! They can do it!

    I did exactly what the hubs said "Get out of the kitchen Erin and Go to bed"! I left the list of chores for the boys and the grocery list for the hubs. He's a better shopper than me anyway. I over spend. I blame it on brain fog but I just really over buy. I've taken my meds and getting comfy in my "dungeon of darkness" to watch creepy criminal investigations. I'm hell bent on not getting involved in the screaming and bitching I can hear the boys doing. It will get done. It will be better for everybody and hopefully if all things go well, I'll feel good enough later for  the hub's homemade chicken parmesan and a glass of red wine!

Take Care of You

Is Spring actually Sprung?

     Finally, a day with out rain! Dare I say ( or type) it out loud! It felt like the sun was never going to come out and stay out! And it has, the whole damn day! Naturally, I've spent the day lying in my bed watching crime shows and surfing the web. I'm recovering from a dinner out and a few beers with the hubs. I guess it's hard to remember that feeling good for part of a day doesn't mean I'm in remission or even some sort of resemblance of a healthy person. It means, I'm just having a good day!

     My good day yesterday has actually only had me taking it easy. I don't feel like I've been rode hard and hung up wet like I usually do. I actually spent a majority of my day looking up how I'm going to get my ass back on the road to preparing for the 1/2 marathon in October. Monday is my official re-start day. I'm a little nervous but I'll be damned if I can't do it. I was a runner before and I will be a runner again. Lupus can suck it. Running makes me happy and its cheaper than therapy!

    The other part of my day I spent bookmarking and saving pictures of all the things I "need" for Spring to help keep my promise to myself to get out of my jammers more often.  I decided that this needed to become a #1 priority when my wee man (Ayden 5) points out that "he never sees me like this" and was referring to me up in the morning, sitting at the table with the family. It also became painfully clear that I had issues when I was like a kid on Christmas morning when I was buying new bedding. Seriously, linens should not make me as excited at they did.

     In order to get reacquainted with the outside world I decided a new Coach wristlet would be needed. Also the new Coach aviator shades are a must. I am going to need a couple new pair of cute running around shoes since my other shoes will actually be used for running! I think I probably am going to have to pick up a few new pair of capris and light sweat shirts as well since my daily wardrobe now consists of flannel pants and the hubs white t-shirts! Oh and I forgot, going back to a lighter shade of blonde on Tuesday because that always makes me feel better!

     Can't wait to share all this with Kev (the hubs)! I'm sure he'll just be thrilled to hear all the thinking I've been doing today and how much its going to cost him! Bwahahaha!

Take Care of You

P.S. Please keep positive thoughts for me. Daisy(11 month hard headed moronic Mastiff I rescued)and I have our first puppy class tonight!

Losing it....

     Occasionally  there will be posts like this, the kind of post that isn't funny or cheeky. I don't like this side of me and I sure don't like sharing this side of me. But if I'm going to keep it real and honest, this blog is going to have to show the good, bad, and ugly of me.

     I had to cancel lunch and massage with my best friend, and it was on her! It killed me.  I'm sure there is the assumption that a massage would make me feel better. Well, that would be a big fat NO! The idea of someone touching me and rubbing my joints would be just too much pain for me to even explain. So I couldn't go. My bff understood. She always understands. This is obviously not the first time I've had to cancel on her and I'm sure it won't be the last. I guilt myself to death over it until she tells me to shut up ,medicate,  and  go to bed. That is what I did. And then the phone rings......

     I generally just turn it off when I feel like this because I'm not good with the public when I feel like this but for whatever reason I didn't today.  It was the doc's office. Dread! Dr.C was calling to go over my blood work, which means something wonky is going on. Immediately I hear Charlie Brown's teacher as she goes through the list of things that are fine. I'm tuning her out until I hear the problems. She gets to that part. Tells me that my white blood count is elevated for the second time in two months and to see my rhuemmy  about it, the end. WTF? Thanks for your hospitality and fabulous bedside manner as you push me off on another doctor because you have no idea what's going on. Excuse me that I am not a standard patient you can push a script at and I'll go away!

     The weather alone is enough to make me feel like poo and let the depression seep into my thoughts. It's so much more than that today though.  I hate feeling like I'm losing it or on the cusp of losing it. Sometimes it's my sanity. Sometimes it's my temper. Sometimes it's my lunch. Those things I can get back. I can not get back the time I've spent in bed, the time wasted being turfed back and forth between docs, and the time feeling afraid that me being sick is too much for the people in my life. This is not  my choice.

      I'm so thankful that I've finally weeded out, some my decision and some theirs, the people who don't want to see this side of me. The people who don't realize that cancelling plans and not following through are not my M.O. I want to be the me everybody needs but unfortunately that isn't the case anymore. For right now, the is the new me. Love it or leave it. Those that are sticking with me through these times are priceless and I'm so grateful. It's meds time and a nap. Hopefully this sappy crap will wear off!

Take Care of You

Fake it til you Make it

     Today's "me" will be played by a seemingly normal version of my self. This is one of the few blessings of having an "invisible illness". I can attempt to do everything I want to do and nobody is the wiser. This is why disease poseurs, self-diagnosers, and all who claim to be DYING from their latest daily discomfort I'd like to tell them to "shut the f*ck up"!

     If you have it in you to update  your favorite form of social media(s) outlet(s) you probably will survive to re-update later or at least share tomorrow how you either are even more miserable or how you are miraculously cured thanks to benefits of modern medicine! You people make me want to walk on your carpet in dog shit covered shoes. I'd like to give you at least something to really be irritable about!

     I'm reeling with venomous sputtering's of things I'd like to say to people who feel like they are suffering and have "death's door knocking" problems. Cramps do not count! It's once a month! You will survive. Allergy's are annoying! But they are seasonal, it's going to go away! Joint pains because you are a weekend warrior are your own fault! Take Motrin and get out more often! Insomnia is not one or a few nights bad sleep. If a melatonin or Benadryl will get you back on track, you are NOT an insomniac!

     And the list goes on and on, and yes this is probably coming across as "Super Lupus Bitch" but that's kind of how I'm feeling this morning! Until your friends and family have coined your weekly  methotextrate vomming as sounding like someone is "murdering a velociraptor", you aren't dying.

    You aren't really having joint and muscle pain until you've actually texted your husband about purchasing Depends. Yes, I am admitting that I had a fleeting thought last week that I was in so much pain too walk to the bathroom and my meds had me in the bathroom so often that it might just be easier to resign to the old lady diapers! I've been there, more times than once, so I'm pretty sure you will survive your cramps!

     Allergies are annoying, no doubt about it, but you have seasons. You can at least predict when it's coming!  I'd like to be able to know when I was going to get hives, rashes, shingles, blotchiness, or whatever other lovely hot ass mess I wake up to that has me looking for my Phantom of the Opera Mask. So please enjoy  the pharmaceutical candy store provided to you for your seasonal discomfort. It will be over in a few weeks. I get the luxury of upping my steroid doses which render me looking much like Humpty Dumpty!

     Ok, there, I feel better. I'm sure I've offended at least someone. Get over it! Because I'm sure you have irritated me one time or another when you assume that you understand what I'm going through!
Today though I will do all the things I need to do and pretend that none of it is too hard because of my Lupus. One of which I am certain will make for a hilarious story later, taking Daisy, Dozer, and Ayden to the vet solo. Yep, that's 250lb of mastiffs and a 5 year old!

Take Care of You

Losing my "blogging virginity"...

     Timid, shy, and nervous. Absolutely, not me. I'm more of a jump in, react, raise hell and suffer the consequences later, possibly how I ended up with four sons & 2 monster dogs, but anyways. For some reason, even with a lot of encouragement, I have been leery to blog.  After an absolute shit day at the rheumatologist and a lengthy rant on Facebook I decided, enough. I need to get this off my chest. I need to share the lovely and not-so-lovely aspects of me, my family, my life, and my journey with Lupus.

     I figure there is a bio part to this blog thing somewhere so I will look for that before I go into a lengthy stint about my "stats". If you don't know me, imagine I'm a Charlize Theron doppelganger. That is until you figure out that I'm absolutely nothing like her. Don't be disappointed. I'm certain she is seriously not nearly as funny as me and I can out drink her for sure. Even if she does have the perfect body and millions of dollars. You can learn to love me too.

    Every part of my life revolves around Lupus. Lupus has been one bitch of an illness to adapt to and even bigger one to try to explain to others. I have learned more in the last year about Lupus than I have since being diagnosed, 6 years ago. Excepting you have a chronic illness helps with managing your care, just saying. YOLO, is not really a way of life to live for a mid-west momma who's auto-immune system is a dirty bastard. Let's just say, I never hit rock bottom, per se,  but there were serious points where life was like walking through a field of legos!

     Managing my meds, actually seeing a rheumatologist, educating myself, sharing it with everyone, and attempting to treat myself better is where I am at now with this Lupus thing. And in doing that, I'm going to let all of God and country who stumbles upon this blog get to see the high's and low's of it! I'm excited to have gotten the "first time" out of the way. I'm not nearly as sweaty and naughty feeling as I thought I would (hahahaha).

Take Care Of You

*Disclaimer* I really do intend on keeping this as real and raw as my life and me. There will probably be posts that may not be for the faint of heart or eyes. My husband may even disown me at certain points. I will consider "changing names" to help save identities but don't count on it. You suckers asked for this so now you must deal with it as I take over the world. Bwahahaha!