Occasionally there will be posts like this, the kind of post that isn't funny or cheeky. I don't like this side of me and I sure don't like sharing this side of me. But if I'm going to keep it real and honest, this blog is going to have to show the good, bad, and ugly of me.
I had to cancel lunch and massage with my best friend, and it was on her! It killed me. I'm sure there is the assumption that a massage would make me feel better. Well, that would be a big fat NO! The idea of someone touching me and rubbing my joints would be just too much pain for me to even explain. So I couldn't go. My bff understood. She always understands. This is obviously not the first time I've had to cancel on her and I'm sure it won't be the last. I guilt myself to death over it until she tells me to shut up ,medicate, and go to bed. That is what I did. And then the phone rings......
I generally just turn it off when I feel like this because I'm not good with the public when I feel like this but for whatever reason I didn't today. It was the doc's office. Dread! Dr.C was calling to go over my blood work, which means something wonky is going on. Immediately I hear Charlie Brown's teacher as she goes through the list of things that are fine. I'm tuning her out until I hear the problems. She gets to that part. Tells me that my white blood count is elevated for the second time in two months and to see my rhuemmy about it, the end. WTF? Thanks for your hospitality and fabulous bedside manner as you push me off on another doctor because you have no idea what's going on. Excuse me that I am not a standard patient you can push a script at and I'll go away!
The weather alone is enough to make me feel like poo and let the depression seep into my thoughts. It's so much more than that today though. I hate feeling like I'm losing it or on the cusp of losing it. Sometimes it's my sanity. Sometimes it's my temper. Sometimes it's my lunch. Those things I can get back. I can not get back the time I've spent in bed, the time wasted being turfed back and forth between docs, and the time feeling afraid that me being sick is too much for the people in my life. This is not my choice.
I'm so thankful that I've finally weeded out, some my decision and some theirs, the people who don't want to see this side of me. The people who don't realize that cancelling plans and not following through are not my M.O. I want to be the me everybody needs but unfortunately that isn't the case anymore. For right now, the is the new me. Love it or leave it. Those that are sticking with me through these times are priceless and I'm so grateful. It's meds time and a nap. Hopefully this sappy crap will wear off!
Take Care of You