Monday, February 22, 2016

Monday will never be the bride, always the bridesmaid.

    Trying to find some wise words of wisdom to talk myself in to believing that I can
out funk this day.  It's just so blah! 4 hours in the Infusion Center with the man-child doesn't help.  He is one of the healthiest "chronic" people here.  There are a lot worse things going on, on  floors just above and  right below me.  It makes me thank God it's just Chron's.  So, that is positive.  Slightly less ho-hum than being crabby about being here for Monday afternoon. Happy little boys so excited to be getting the hell out of the hospital , who hug you and tell you that you smell pretty, also doesn't suck!

    Then why do most (or all) Mondays just suck! There has never been ( for me) nor will there ever be ( because I know everything) a good Monday.  Has anyone even ever wrote a happy song about Monday? Is there anything even slightly delightful about Monday to write even a little ditty? FUCK NO!  There's your answer.  But if someone know's of one, I'll take a listen & see what it says.  Equal opportunity hater here!  I can't get it together.  My get up & go, got up & went somewhere and I'm pretty sure that there is no returning address! So what the hell am I gonna do, I have a 4 miler next Monday night & my first half (13.1 long ass)miles in about 5 weeks.  And the only thing that keeps popping in my head is this...
     This phrase of unknown origin speaks to me. About a million, things but mostly the need to feel content, to be safe, have my health, be the best mother,wife,lover, daughter, sister, friend, etc......And waiting for the other shoe to drop.  WTF is with that? I feel my best me when I'm whole 30 eating,blog writing, race running, SUV full of sporting equipment, me.  So, why do I fight it? Doubt it? Even sabotage it?  ( que the Beastie Boys Sabotage)  I push back so hard and let things,big or small, steal that from me.  It's essentially the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other.  And I think neither of them have a clue between them of what the hell is going on with me!

     It gets better.  It always does. Turns out today is actually National Margarita Day.  Not to bad for a Monday.  Definitely makes Monday night looking a whole lot more palatable now that I know there is tequila involved. Maybe I will actually finish this aimless blog and enjoy the evening.  As of this moment, things are looking very suspect.  The Littlest won't quit telling me how good my margarita looks and even though the hubs is preparing a totally delicious Paleo friendly dinner of carne asada street-style tacos, my cravings are a little more savage! I could absolutely take down a box of Girl Scout Cookies and cold piece of my 15lb lasagna, while watching Wives with Knives with no pants on!  I won't.   Because, to quote Dr.House, "Slutty party girl is fun,til she pukes on her shoes--then she's just a pain in the ass".   I don't want to be the slutty pain in the ass party girl.  Well, at least not on a Monday!

     Tuesday will come and I will be better, right?  It will be.  Already one margarita in, 7 boys feasting on quesadillas, soft tacos, hard tacos and guacamole.  No tv. No practices.  The hubs and I will eat alone once the savages are satiated.  Presently, the most important thing in the entire world is that Bob's Kroger 86'd the Choco Taco and their childhoods are now  ruined.  If that is the first thing that comes to their minds when considering life altering childhood memories, is the lack of Choco Tacos, I might actually get that "mother of the year award" just yet! *lights flickering*

Take Care of You......

p.s.  whilst proofreading this, I immediately remembered why, I will never be mother of the year. Why?  Because my kids never shut the hell up & I can't gag them!

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Hello, It's me........

     Such a cliche tag line, but I'm going with it.  I'm 5 full days into my 39th year and I have far exceeded the amount of belly aching & retching I anticipated ( and not from over serving myself ).  Straight up, had the stomach flu not once but twice.  For sure the gifts from my fabulous boys.  4 kids spread out over 3 campuses means huge helpings of germs, not to mention my underachieving immune system.  I was a hot ass mess!  My intentions were to enjoy my birthday week and set out on having the best year for me.  I have some big things on the horizons and even bigger ideas inside. Somethings I have shared and others I haven't. I did however have a request of one thing from me this year. And it made me stop,think & decide, I owe him, my kids, my family, myself and my mom something. Forgiveness. A finality to everything. A goodbye. A hello. A why? A why not? A this is me now. A this is what I was. Not all at once and not even a little everyday. Just to try.  And this is how I got there......

    Friday February 12th, I had an awesome run with my running wifey & a busy day with the hubs.  I knew I needed to rest because we had fun plans with friends for the next evening , my celebration.   I laid down for a nap and woke up melancholic.  It happens a lot when you are me.  The hubs is pretty understanding of my depression and such.  I laid in bed debating eating dinner or having a pity party for one, when I realized what the hell was on my television.  Say Yes to the Dress.  What the fuck is this and why am I watching. And still watching and judging. Out of no where, I'm crying.  Not just a few drops, I'm talking waterfalls. Ugly Oprah Winfrey type cry!  I text the hubs ( Yes, we text each other in the same house from different rooms! Don't hate).  
me :  Why am I crying over Say yes to the dress?
Hubs: Because you are crazy?lol
me:  no shit.
Hubs: Sorry we didn't have a big wedding.
me: I never wanted that.  That doesn't bother me.  I was never that girl you know that.  
Hubs: well, then, why?
me:  It's the mom's.  The mother/daughter shit. I know it. I hate that. She never got to see me happy. I regret that.
Hubs:  Your Happy?
me:  If you're going to be funny I'm going to be the grammar Nazi. It's "you're". And yes I am happy.  If I wasn't happy I wouldn't try so hard for you and the boys. 
Hubs:  Seriously, Erin, if you could do one thing for me, take a notebook and just write her.  Tell her what your doing.  Tell her what you are feeling.  Doesn't have to be deep or important every time or long. Just try.
me:  I need to do that.  I think about it a lot when I run. You are right.  I will try.
Hubs:  I'm proud of everything you do. Your running & taking care of yourself. But if you did this it would mean the most.  
me:  I suck at forgiveness.
Hubs:  If someone can forgive when their entire family has been wiped out by a drunk driver, you can forgive your mom.
me:  maybe

    I stopped writing.  I stopped blogging a while back.  I miss it.  I decided to start here.  Ease my way back into it. It is hard to just sit down and write a letter to someone who you thought would have forever.  To write about my anger. To write about my happiness. To write about my family and how much her selfish act changed my way of being with them.  It will come.  It will happen.  It probably will be messy but I promise it won't always depressing!   I want to blog a lot this year about my ventures and my way to forgiveness.  

Take Care of You........