Saturday, February 20, 2016

Hello, It's me........

     Such a cliche tag line, but I'm going with it.  I'm 5 full days into my 39th year and I have far exceeded the amount of belly aching & retching I anticipated ( and not from over serving myself ).  Straight up, had the stomach flu not once but twice.  For sure the gifts from my fabulous boys.  4 kids spread out over 3 campuses means huge helpings of germs, not to mention my underachieving immune system.  I was a hot ass mess!  My intentions were to enjoy my birthday week and set out on having the best year for me.  I have some big things on the horizons and even bigger ideas inside. Somethings I have shared and others I haven't. I did however have a request of one thing from me this year. And it made me stop,think & decide, I owe him, my kids, my family, myself and my mom something. Forgiveness. A finality to everything. A goodbye. A hello. A why? A why not? A this is me now. A this is what I was. Not all at once and not even a little everyday. Just to try.  And this is how I got there......

    Friday February 12th, I had an awesome run with my running wifey & a busy day with the hubs.  I knew I needed to rest because we had fun plans with friends for the next evening , my celebration.   I laid down for a nap and woke up melancholic.  It happens a lot when you are me.  The hubs is pretty understanding of my depression and such.  I laid in bed debating eating dinner or having a pity party for one, when I realized what the hell was on my television.  Say Yes to the Dress.  What the fuck is this and why am I watching. And still watching and judging. Out of no where, I'm crying.  Not just a few drops, I'm talking waterfalls. Ugly Oprah Winfrey type cry!  I text the hubs ( Yes, we text each other in the same house from different rooms! Don't hate).  
me :  Why am I crying over Say yes to the dress?
Hubs: Because you are crazy?lol
me:  no shit.
Hubs: Sorry we didn't have a big wedding.
me: I never wanted that.  That doesn't bother me.  I was never that girl you know that.  
Hubs: well, then, why?
me:  It's the mom's.  The mother/daughter shit. I know it. I hate that. She never got to see me happy. I regret that.
Hubs:  Your Happy?
me:  If you're going to be funny I'm going to be the grammar Nazi. It's "you're". And yes I am happy.  If I wasn't happy I wouldn't try so hard for you and the boys. 
Hubs:  Seriously, Erin, if you could do one thing for me, take a notebook and just write her.  Tell her what your doing.  Tell her what you are feeling.  Doesn't have to be deep or important every time or long. Just try.
me:  I need to do that.  I think about it a lot when I run. You are right.  I will try.
Hubs:  I'm proud of everything you do. Your running & taking care of yourself. But if you did this it would mean the most.  
me:  I suck at forgiveness.
Hubs:  If someone can forgive when their entire family has been wiped out by a drunk driver, you can forgive your mom.
me:  maybe

    I stopped writing.  I stopped blogging a while back.  I miss it.  I decided to start here.  Ease my way back into it. It is hard to just sit down and write a letter to someone who you thought would have forever.  To write about my anger. To write about my happiness. To write about my family and how much her selfish act changed my way of being with them.  It will come.  It will happen.  It probably will be messy but I promise it won't always depressing!   I want to blog a lot this year about my ventures and my way to forgiveness.  

Take Care of You........

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