Monday, December 26, 2016

Feeding your soul with food of love.

     Here's the blog about why I need to do this thing.  I'm not sure what I'm even calling this thing.  There is one thing I know!  For as long as I can remember ,  I suck at being an emotionally vulnerable supportive person to just about everyone of the people I love and care about. What I don't suck at, is feeding them !  Your cat dies, I will make you a lasagna.  Your baby daddy is sleeping with your sister, I will make you white chicken chili.  You have a tooth ache, give birth, commit a felony or have a teenager, I will make you the baddest ass chicken noodle soup you have ever eaten! I can't watch Gilmore Girls or Lifetime movies,cry and hold your hand.  I suck at expressing how sorry I am when you are grieving the loss of your favorite lip gloss or the love your life.  I can however tell you how you need to pull your shit together, eat these delish things and get over yourself, him, her, them or whatever else that has your feelings butt hurt and standing on the edge of  a Ben & Jerry's bender. Feeding your soul matters!

     Feeding your soul matters!  Food is one of those things that when prepared with all the things in your heart and mind can heal even the worst of problems.  I realized how much taking care of people and feeding them well made me feel, when I became a mom.  I was young, dumb & mixed up about a lot of things,  But when I fed my oldest for the first time, it was magical!  He loved mangoes, strawberries, Thai food, hummus & just about any other food I made for him.  It felt so good. My heart was happy and I didn't think about the other trials and tribulations of being a lost 19 year old new mom. It was our thing!

     You can also starve your soul for a long time.  I also realized that Shortly after my second son was a little over a year old.  I lost my mom, tragically and unexpectedly.  I had no coping mechanisms or support.  I gave up on myself, my kids, my health and theirs.  I ate terribly. I drank a lot.  I let people I thought that loved me and my sons "help me" with taking care of them.  Because I just couldn't. It was my first tip-toe into letting food comfort me and them.  Not good food. Not healthy choices.  Not soul food.  Subsequently, I had one son who was eating well but now wouldn't.  My other son would eat frozen pancakes, chicken nuggets (of only one brand), grilled cheese and fries.  Complete nightmare.  I  was a hot mess internally and externally!  We were starving , in away I can explain.

     I had my light bulb moment! It took way longer than it should have, but I got it! It took a divorce, marrying my best friend, 2 more amazing sons, a handful of autoimmune disease diagnosis's, a laundry list of prescriptions medications and dozens of peaks and valleys!  My life was changed over a 6month process.  It started with Wheat Belly , By William Davis .  That helped a lot, with a lot of things but I still needed more.  I read a bunch of Paleo books and loved it.  Then I found the "cure" for me in Whole 30.  It was so damn hard! 30 days of planning, prepping , and fighting my negative self image. I've done a lot worse things for more than 30 days and none of them made me happy, strong, full, 50lbs lighter and off 8 medications.  That my friends is food of love!

     Food of love had me present for everything.  Games, practices, races, socializing and genuinely better.  However, it is also easy to slip back into old habits and bad behaviors when you can give yourself more excuses than you should.  I'm essentially back at the starting block & ready to jump in with an 80/20 eating, meal prep service for anyone who wants to do it with me! My menu will be posted on a Facebook Page on Thursday.  Orders can be placed until noon on Saturday.  Pick ups will be on Mondays!  I will be posting on my FB page about the food prep and getting back on my running training plan.  NOTHING makes me happier than being able to cook healthy, organic, always gluten free, mainly Paleo and almost Whole 30 compliant food for people! I want this life change for life.  Not 30 days, not one year but forever!  The accountability of having people counting on me to help them make healthy good choices in my yummy food, is the best thing ever!

Keep your eye open for Soul Food of Love FB page and your invitation to join me!

Take Care of you......

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Take care of you and you...and you too...

     So, there was this one time, a "friend" told me how being 39 was going to be her year. Running, eating clean, feeling great and living , not just existing.  She started out really strong.  Things seemed to be right on track with her ideas of the best year ever.  Slowly but not on purpose, she forgot to make herself a priority. When I, I mean "she" didn't take the time to take care of herself a snowball effect just rolled right over.  She sat down and asked herself, what it was going to take to straighten this out.  I've listened to her time & time again. I have high hopes that she will remember that she is worth it and that not only does she deserve it.  But so does her family.

      It is so easy to preach from the cheap seats.  It is impossible to explain to people how hard it is to admit to yourself that YOU put YOU in this spot. YOU  gave up on the things that make YOU better.  This is incredibly humbling and somewhat embarrassing that I confess the "sins" I've committed against myself and the ones who love me .  Having said all that, it is the exact kick in the ass I needed to pull myself together.  Much of that credit goes to my lobster, best friend, pain in the ass , caller of my bs and husband, Kevin.  If he didn't pester and nag the me, I probably wouldn't be able to share this new venture I'm tip toeing into.

     Most of you know that I have Lupus, Fibromyalgia, thyroid issues, Celiac's disease and depression.  I have experienced both ends of the spectrum with all my issues. Extreme highs & lows were only put into perspective for me when I did my first Whole 30.  It was a life changing process to see how food was exacerbating all of my problems.  Since then, I have tossed around the idea of making and selling gluten free, healthy ,home cooked meal choices that taste good and make people feel better.  Lots of ups & downs, starts & stops, rough drafts & game plans have gone into me doing this! But I did it,  I came up with a first menu. It makes me nauseated and nervous but I'm running with it.

     The pressure, the pressure of a name.....That's where I'm at. Quoting lines from Pretty Woman in hopes of figuring out what to call this so I can make a Facebook page.  Help! I promise if your suggestion or help, gets me to naming this little adventure, I'll give you some free food love! Pinky Swear!

       The over all game plan is this, I'll put out a menu on Thursday. Orders will be taken until Saturday at noon. Then pick up of your orders will be available Sunday evening & Monday.  My first menu will be posted with this blog and I will make a Facebook page.  The first orders will not go out until New Years Day! I look forward to sharing the ups and downs of this and the rest of my crazy life in the New Year! 

Going back to school for health coach & dietetics are in my future! Should be entertaining at least.  Nothing screams fun like an almost 40 year old going back to college! Please give me as much feedback as possible! Thank You!

Take Care of You.....

Menu  10/29-1/5

We have been specializing in cooking for our big family for over a decade.  Deciding to offer friends, family and anyone interested in trying our healthy approach on home cooking has something we have been mulling over since I did my first Whole 30, over a year ago.  You can expect everything to be organic, fresh and gluten free.  A new menu will go out on Thursday. All orders must be in by Saturday at noon.  Meals/products can be picked up twice a week on Sundays from 4-9pm & Monday from 7-9am, 4-9pm. Payments can be made via PayPal or cash at pick up! Specify your form of payment & I will send an invoice!

Salads:                                                                    Price:

·        Anti-Pasta                                                                                                      $7
Ham, salami, provolone, chickpeas on a bed of veggies
and greens with a Dijon and red wine vinaigrette
·        Chicken Salad                                                                                                $7
Chunk chicken with celery, onions, hardboiled eggs, mayo
With romaine lettuce cups

Small bytes and snacks:

·        Lemony Humus                                                                                             $7
Chick peas, lemon juice, tahini, olive juice with crudité
·        Protein Bars                                                                                                  $12/$18
Oats, flaxseed, natural almond & peanut butter, coconut oil,
shredded coconut, bananas, dates, chocolate
·        Egg Muffins                                                                                     $6.50/6 10$/12
Eggs, veggies & chicken breakfast sausage


·        Vegetable soup                                                               7$/qt. 15$/whole pot
All the veggies in a tomato broth
·        Stuffed Green Pepper                                                    7$/qt. 15$/whole pot
Exactly as it sounds!!!      


·        Roasted chicken w/root veggies                                           8$/per 28$/family
·        Stuffed Cabbage                                                                                        8$/per 28$/family

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Random Ramblings.......

      Reflecting & re-reading your own words can be a real kick in the ass.  It's my own version of "self-inflicted"tough love.  To say I have been struggling lately would be an under statement.  The struggle is self created, for the most part.  It's so self-defeating when you know what you need to do to "fix it" but it feels impossible at the same time. 

      Who the hell thought up Time Hop? Every morning there is a notification of the last 8 years.  And even if I avoided Time Hop, Facebook has an "On this day" that will show up right in the middle of your 3rd crunchy taco at lunch.  Nothing says "Have a Nice Day" like pictures of your dead dog, your kids before they were assholes or your ex-mother-in-law's passive aggresive comments.  Who has time for that? Or the reminder of how awesome you felt and how good your were doing? Only to realize all that work has been side tracked by a million little things that you let get in the way. ( A friend told me that, totally not me. HA! )

      What is it in "some" women ( of course not me )  that no matter how good they feel, how strong they get, how easy it is to make the time to make yourself a priority, but it still falls to the wayside.  What has to give before I , I mean they, throw it in the fuck it bucket and take care of themselves.  The rest will wait, right? There won't be guilt if you miss a the first quarter of a game or happy hour with the girls.  Right? I mean nobody has ever been made to feel like they were the worst mother, daughter, sister, wife, BFF, employee just because they said "it's going to be all about me".

      I've never considered myself a pioneer for women's lib or stand on a soap box preaching how I want to be treated like a man.  I very much enjoy that I have four strong young men for sons that can take out my trash, mow the lawn, shovel the snow, kill the spiders and those jobs.  I don't need to do those things.  I already know how much of a woman I am.  No amount of grass cutting or bug killing is going to make me forget that at then end of the day, when the house is all quiet......I'm still up going over the eleventy billion things I should've, could've, would've done.  That's the most affirming thing that reminds me that I'm a woman.

     This blog is jumpy and kind of all over the map. Partly because I'm writing in between scanning people's shitty Amazon purchases and fending off calls from a pissed off psychopath who's lost her Zappos shipment .  The other part is because I'm scared.  I'm scared to say that I'm disappointed in myself.  I'm scared to acknowledge that my flare ups from my Lupus are my fault.  I'm scared to talk about all of those things that add up to fuel my depression and anxiety.  I need the accountability of being a scatterbrained emotional crybaby so I will give myself the kick in the ass I need to find my healthy happy place again. I am going to do what I know is best for me and my loves!

Take Care of You........

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

When the other shoe drops....

     A year. An entire fucking year I went with out this, With out that nasty monkey on my back.  I have spent  365 days working on being a whole person again.  Not just a barely breathing waste of space rotting away in my cave.  Living vicariously through social media posts of my children.  Seeing them thrive through texts and iPhone pictures from my husband,family and friends.  I wanted all that behind me.  I wanted to be the daughter, sister, friend, wife and mostly mother I knew was inside of me.  I was letting Lupus and depression kill that in me.  I swore I had it.  I thought I figured my way out of the woods. I put a combination of things together to fix me. And I was winning.  So, why? Why does the other shoe always seem to drop for me?

     A little over 2 weeks ago I was in the Florida sun, playing in some vicious ocean waves with the love of my life, my dad, and my boys ( except for the oldest child who is always slighted).  I stood there for a what felt like an eternity and thought, I never could have done this last year.  Hell, if I'm being a hundred percent honest I wasn't sure I wanted to be alive this time last year.  I felt like such a burden. I had thought on more than one occasion that they all deserved a better me.  As I stopped for just a minute a heard them so happy. It brought a small happy sappy tear to my eye and we went back to playing.  I would swim out a little farther than them and my littles would yell out " not too far momma" or "it's gonna be a big wave momma be careful".  I smiled inside and would swim back to them because it felt amazing just to be doing. Not sitting on the side lines or watching.  They were getting a better me.  All good things come to end & that shoe does drop. I just can't understand why.

     I did my Whole 30. I eat gluten free and keep as close to Paleo as possible.  I have maintained running and even exceeded some of my own goals with that.  I've learned that cutting out toxic isn't just food & drink but people too.  I've done that.  I have stepped away from and cut out people that were just not good for me. I'm working on all those things I'm supposed to be, to keep me healing and my health in check.  So, what now? What witch doctor or voodoo priestess is going to help me figure this out, because I feel like I'm on the magic carpet ride back to hell.

   Already had to cancel plans last weekend. I love it when Lupus screws up my social life!  Even after I went into the Rheumy for some treatment.  No real relief there.  Back to taking my shot that supposed to help with inflammation.  It hurts like a son of a bitch and makes me feel like a zombie.  I haven't ran and I can't eat.  I opted to blog through tear filled eyes as I hear my oldest making dinner for his brothers and getting their lunches ready.  I can only write about it to remind myself that this will get better and I'm not going back down that rabbit hole.  It gives me some accountability if nothing else.
     There are gardens to be tilled. Flowers & veggies to be planted. Baseball for the little boys and football camp for the big boy.  Lake trips, boat rides, and family visits.  The oldest is home for the the summer to drive me crazy. I have races to run with friends and celebratory beers to drink in the sun, This to shall pass. It has to.  First step, journal, pull my shit together, quit my crying, make my running program & my Whole 30 menu. Second step, picking my start date and dragging you all along for the ride.

Take care of you.....

Monday, March 21, 2016

13.1 is not half of anything......

      I'm not holding back, if one person, EVER says to me, you just ran the half? or you only ran the half? I'm going to give whom ever that is the swiftest taco kick,no matter race, creed, sex or age.  I will be an equal opportunity crotch punter if running 13.1 miles is some how made to feel like the "ugly sister" of a race.  Because in my life, that bitch is the best, hardest thing I've ever done and I can't wait to do, next to child birth!  And we had to medically intervene to stop me from repeating that anymore than 4 times! Needless to say, I'm hooked! But it wasn't love at first mile.

     I was so nervous the few days leading up to the race. My training got wonky due to pneumonia & Lupus making a lovely appearance for no reason.  It was ravaging not just my training but my mental game plan.  I had myself psyched up, freaked out, rocking in the fetal position and reaching out for a life line! Cheese & Rice, thank you for the divine intervention of my running friends at MRTT.  Between the high priestess of all things positive and reaffirming & my Fit Chick Food lovie who is a bad ass, I felt like I wasn't going to die.  I also had some pretty good motivation/distractions & my hugely supportive running wifey! I am going to kick this races ass right after I do all the things I have to do to make sure that if I do die, the kids will have clean under wear for a week and everybody will be good on probiotics & multivitamins!

     Packets picked up, race clothes laid out, running game plan mapped out, alarms set, life will go on in the case of my demise for at least a week, and the hubs is making me the best possible Gluten Free Carb loaded protein packed meal.  Now, I'm left to take the advice of the  leader of the MRTT pack (aka high priestess of my running sanity) and dedicate each mile to someone . To stay focused. OK. I can do that. I haven't wrote in my journal in a while. Kill two birds with one stone. Fucking nightmare. Crying through journal entry. Nice!  Designating the miles, damn near hysterical! This is just perfect.  I love feeling all these feelings!
NO, NOT EVER. So, here is the list. My blurb behind why & what really happened!

      *this is long, sappy, foul mouthed, gross and not for everybody YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED*

      1. Drew Scott -why: my first love,learning experience,heart break &saving grace
                              really: these people are going to run me off this pot holey ass road
      2. Carter Joseph- why: hes overcome so much. so can I.
                              really: it's so windy. I can't stop coughing. I may puke!
      3. Brady Robert- why: my  5k running heart of gold who saved my life
                              really: I almost puked on that chick, maybe will get off my ass now!
      4. Ayden Randall-why: the final piece of my puzzle & my favorite miles to run
                               really: holy shit 4 miles! I'm killing this.
      5. Noah Walker- why: I'm his NerNer. He's my Noey. I'm so happy to have him here in MI
                               really: It is not cold anymore. I'm thirsty. My wifey's choice in energy food...ewwww
      6. My Sister -      why: This is my farthest race I've ever run & she is the one I know will be there no                                                matter how far I go.
                               really: Hell yes! Half way! (until the cop at the mile marker say "just let you ladies know                                          the first person has finished", Fuck that guy!)
      7. Squad-           why: there are so many awesome women & men in my life that have supported me                                               when I have been sick,healthy, running, not running, fat,skinny, miserable, happy!                                           Seven is lucky and I'm very lucky!
                                 really: it's getting really cold again and I'm cramping up. WTF is this pain...I'm                                                         done...I'm texting Kevin.
      8.Dad & Judy-  why:  So glad that love is us getting passed 8 years of stubborn. Happy that's all over!
                               really: The hubs & the boys surprised me. I cry. Can't quit now. I call on my inner                                                    Eminem, "I'm gonna turn around with a great smile, and walk my white ass back                                            across 8 mile.....
     9.Ray & Chris- why: more like my big brother and sister than uncle & aunt. Best family & friends ever.
                              really: If my running wife tries to feed me one more nasty jelly bean i'm going to stab her!
    10&11. Kevin- why: the "hubs" for eleventy million things. Because we never know how long we have                                          been married. Because he is my best friend and spoils me rotten. Because he knew if                                    I made it this far I was never backing down. Mostly because he put up with all ME                                        every damn day!
                            really: this is the farthest I have ever run. I can just be ok with quitting. Its still an                                                    accomplishment. But damn it! Those kids are at this mile too. And then, the airplane                                      hanger with the music and the cute boys in the white Lamborghini. Fuck......I                                                CAN'T QUIT!
   12. Laura Miller-why: I don't people. But when you meet someone and instantly it's love at first sight! You                                      hold on tight.  We became family fast and I can't stand going days with out seeing                                          her face. Running, lifting, laughing, steaming, drinking, fowling, eating, pedis,....I                                            could
go on for ever. She is amazing!
                            really: uphill in the wind, or at least if feels like it, plus I'm carrying a dead body. I swear to                                      Jeebus Crust! Oh no, that's my frozen thunder thighs. I'm just more of a 10k runner,                                      this is stupid.
13. my mother-    why: I've wrapped a lot of the last 13 years trying to heal from losing you. It will happen.                                      You always loved to watch me run. Well, I'm running now!
                            really:We made it! Are you kidding me? I didn't die? I'm going to hug Laura so hard she                                        pukes. I can't wait to sit down. I hope I can stand back up. I wonder if there is a                                          half I can do in June?
   .1 the rest of you- why: if you have given me bullshit, hid bullshit, tried to sell me bullshit, lied to me about                                          your bullshit, included me in your bullshit, or just quit me over some bullshit. I've let                                        it go. I don't give a single fuck about you or any of it any more. I left all of it in that                                        one .1 mile. Be happy,be miserable, just be something other than trying to steal my                                        joy. Because I left all of it right there.
                              really: TRUE STORY

Take Care of You.......

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

You Got to Know When To Hold Em

   I have officially been 39, for a 2 weeks and one day. That is all.  Two weeks and one day into my year of being a bad ass and I already am questioning everything. Literally, EVERY-MOTHERFUCKING-THING!  I feel less prepared for life than I ever have.   And let's just call a spade a spade, I have some pretty questionable life moments that lacked preparation, i.e  pregnancy (x4), committing to being a blonde, tattoos,and so on and so on..... In general I don't care if I'm making the "right" decision or think things all the way through.  I follow my gut and play out the hand I'm dealt.  I'm a "live and die" on the river kind of girl, always waiting to see what is the last card the dealer will flip up to make or break my hand.  How's that working for me? I can't complain for the most part. But I'll be damned if the last two weeks haven't been a real test of my poker face.

     This last week especially.  Holy hell, who do I have to screw to catch a break in the health department!  Endocrinologist, "It's not a tumor". Great, I'm not going to die.  However, there is no other real explanation for why I run like a Kenyan, all be it a slow one, eat Paleo(ish) and stick to my meds (most of the time) that I should not be feeling better, losing weight and have the energy of a teenager.  Well isn't that a gem!  Even better, there is a medicine I could try, to fix that but insurance won't cover it! Yeah! Thanks for nothing. And on to the next one.  Family Practice DO, "you sound like hell!".  No kidding.  Two days after I asked the Endocrinologist to listen to my chest, that he said was clear, I have pneumonia.  Pneumonia, sinusitis, and a shot of Rocephin for good measure.  Yeah me! Nothing like a healthy does of herpasyphagonilitis to make you feel like 39 is the new 80!  Unless you spend any time with your kids and go to a doctor, then you will feel worse.

     All jacked up on antibiotics and steroids with the oldest and I get to go for our eye exams.  We both need new glasses, thanks to the dog and it's been a year or so.  Driving out there is fun enough just listening to the difference between him at 19 and me at 19.  I was a mother. He doesn't know how to do anything without his mother.  I was married.  He never wants to be married.  It's all a fun forced family experience until the lady says bifocals. What the ? For who? Oh, um, no? I'm 39. I'm not wearing no damn bi-focals.  Hysterics from the oldest as I except that not only am I old but also medications & Lupus have degraded my eyes.  Bifocals for this beotch! Whiny and whipped I except my age & the things I can not change. Its going to get better.  I get to go hang out with an old friend for my yearly contribution to the food service industry at the Lenten fish fry!

     There are certain things that can not lie.  One of them is my face.  It is all telling.  There is absolutely no way in hell that when a 15 year old table clearer, working community service, gives me sass about what her "job" is  that my face didn't read " I will not hesitate to mop the floor with your face" even before the words came out of my mouth!  Or when the nice young lady ordered the black bean burger and requested that it be cooked on a surface where "no flesh had ever touched", I'm sure my face said " you have got to be fucking kidding me. This is the Knight of Columbus.  Every surface has had flesh on it! This is a fish fry!".   The topper on the cake of the night however was, super cute hipster.  He wanted a wheat & gluten free vodka.  Not because he has Celiac's.  He has an allergy to "something to do with wheat".  He didn't want to go over the top with his drink and the beer battered fish.  I know my face said, " You're getting Mohawk vodka & I'm charging you for Chopin because people like you make my life a living hell".  I bit my tongue til it bled.  I made it out alive and so did everybody else.

      I promptly left as soon as the oil was cooled and drove straight to the corner bar.  I ordered a cheeseburger medium rare with crispy fries. Pray for my non-practicing Catholic soul . I had two gluten laden cold ass beers and a fabulous lemon drop.  My belly hurt the next day.  This is exactly why I question my ability to make good decisions as a 39 year old woman! I'm sure I will continue to make questionable decisions.  Maybe I will be more conscious of it.   Yes, that is it.  I won't throw the whole year out the window after two weeks and 1 day.  So, I've had to start wearing bifocals. I have more face creams than letters in my name. I concentrate harder when I cough and sneeze. I bought a sewing machine because i figured I need to learn at my age. I have to take a few more medicines and probably need to control my impulses a bit.  However, the cheeseburger was great. Cold beer is my Achilles heel. The lemon drop was worth it.  Closing the bar on a Sunday sometimes needs to be done. And sewing could be cool.

Take Care of You

Monday, February 22, 2016

Monday will never be the bride, always the bridesmaid.

    Trying to find some wise words of wisdom to talk myself in to believing that I can
out funk this day.  It's just so blah! 4 hours in the Infusion Center with the man-child doesn't help.  He is one of the healthiest "chronic" people here.  There are a lot worse things going on, on  floors just above and  right below me.  It makes me thank God it's just Chron's.  So, that is positive.  Slightly less ho-hum than being crabby about being here for Monday afternoon. Happy little boys so excited to be getting the hell out of the hospital , who hug you and tell you that you smell pretty, also doesn't suck!

    Then why do most (or all) Mondays just suck! There has never been ( for me) nor will there ever be ( because I know everything) a good Monday.  Has anyone even ever wrote a happy song about Monday? Is there anything even slightly delightful about Monday to write even a little ditty? FUCK NO!  There's your answer.  But if someone know's of one, I'll take a listen & see what it says.  Equal opportunity hater here!  I can't get it together.  My get up & go, got up & went somewhere and I'm pretty sure that there is no returning address! So what the hell am I gonna do, I have a 4 miler next Monday night & my first half (13.1 long ass)miles in about 5 weeks.  And the only thing that keeps popping in my head is this...
     This phrase of unknown origin speaks to me. About a million, things but mostly the need to feel content, to be safe, have my health, be the best mother,wife,lover, daughter, sister, friend, etc......And waiting for the other shoe to drop.  WTF is with that? I feel my best me when I'm whole 30 eating,blog writing, race running, SUV full of sporting equipment, me.  So, why do I fight it? Doubt it? Even sabotage it?  ( que the Beastie Boys Sabotage)  I push back so hard and let things,big or small, steal that from me.  It's essentially the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other.  And I think neither of them have a clue between them of what the hell is going on with me!

     It gets better.  It always does. Turns out today is actually National Margarita Day.  Not to bad for a Monday.  Definitely makes Monday night looking a whole lot more palatable now that I know there is tequila involved. Maybe I will actually finish this aimless blog and enjoy the evening.  As of this moment, things are looking very suspect.  The Littlest won't quit telling me how good my margarita looks and even though the hubs is preparing a totally delicious Paleo friendly dinner of carne asada street-style tacos, my cravings are a little more savage! I could absolutely take down a box of Girl Scout Cookies and cold piece of my 15lb lasagna, while watching Wives with Knives with no pants on!  I won't.   Because, to quote Dr.House, "Slutty party girl is fun,til she pukes on her shoes--then she's just a pain in the ass".   I don't want to be the slutty pain in the ass party girl.  Well, at least not on a Monday!

     Tuesday will come and I will be better, right?  It will be.  Already one margarita in, 7 boys feasting on quesadillas, soft tacos, hard tacos and guacamole.  No tv. No practices.  The hubs and I will eat alone once the savages are satiated.  Presently, the most important thing in the entire world is that Bob's Kroger 86'd the Choco Taco and their childhoods are now  ruined.  If that is the first thing that comes to their minds when considering life altering childhood memories, is the lack of Choco Tacos, I might actually get that "mother of the year award" just yet! *lights flickering*

Take Care of You......

p.s.  whilst proofreading this, I immediately remembered why, I will never be mother of the year. Why?  Because my kids never shut the hell up & I can't gag them!

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Hello, It's me........

     Such a cliche tag line, but I'm going with it.  I'm 5 full days into my 39th year and I have far exceeded the amount of belly aching & retching I anticipated ( and not from over serving myself ).  Straight up, had the stomach flu not once but twice.  For sure the gifts from my fabulous boys.  4 kids spread out over 3 campuses means huge helpings of germs, not to mention my underachieving immune system.  I was a hot ass mess!  My intentions were to enjoy my birthday week and set out on having the best year for me.  I have some big things on the horizons and even bigger ideas inside. Somethings I have shared and others I haven't. I did however have a request of one thing from me this year. And it made me stop,think & decide, I owe him, my kids, my family, myself and my mom something. Forgiveness. A finality to everything. A goodbye. A hello. A why? A why not? A this is me now. A this is what I was. Not all at once and not even a little everyday. Just to try.  And this is how I got there......

    Friday February 12th, I had an awesome run with my running wifey & a busy day with the hubs.  I knew I needed to rest because we had fun plans with friends for the next evening , my celebration.   I laid down for a nap and woke up melancholic.  It happens a lot when you are me.  The hubs is pretty understanding of my depression and such.  I laid in bed debating eating dinner or having a pity party for one, when I realized what the hell was on my television.  Say Yes to the Dress.  What the fuck is this and why am I watching. And still watching and judging. Out of no where, I'm crying.  Not just a few drops, I'm talking waterfalls. Ugly Oprah Winfrey type cry!  I text the hubs ( Yes, we text each other in the same house from different rooms! Don't hate).  
me :  Why am I crying over Say yes to the dress?
Hubs: Because you are crazy?lol
me:  no shit.
Hubs: Sorry we didn't have a big wedding.
me: I never wanted that.  That doesn't bother me.  I was never that girl you know that.  
Hubs: well, then, why?
me:  It's the mom's.  The mother/daughter shit. I know it. I hate that. She never got to see me happy. I regret that.
Hubs:  Your Happy?
me:  If you're going to be funny I'm going to be the grammar Nazi. It's "you're". And yes I am happy.  If I wasn't happy I wouldn't try so hard for you and the boys. 
Hubs:  Seriously, Erin, if you could do one thing for me, take a notebook and just write her.  Tell her what your doing.  Tell her what you are feeling.  Doesn't have to be deep or important every time or long. Just try.
me:  I need to do that.  I think about it a lot when I run. You are right.  I will try.
Hubs:  I'm proud of everything you do. Your running & taking care of yourself. But if you did this it would mean the most.  
me:  I suck at forgiveness.
Hubs:  If someone can forgive when their entire family has been wiped out by a drunk driver, you can forgive your mom.
me:  maybe

    I stopped writing.  I stopped blogging a while back.  I miss it.  I decided to start here.  Ease my way back into it. It is hard to just sit down and write a letter to someone who you thought would have forever.  To write about my anger. To write about my happiness. To write about my family and how much her selfish act changed my way of being with them.  It will come.  It will happen.  It probably will be messy but I promise it won't always depressing!   I want to blog a lot this year about my ventures and my way to forgiveness.  

Take Care of You........