Well, fuck me running! I wasn't expecting this crappy of a Friday after the last few days I've had. I went from feeling good enough to enjoy a mid-week beer or 3 out with the hubs to experiencing damn near every Lupus symptom in the days since. Joint pain that no narcotic could touch. Fever and night sweats that had me shivering so bad that I only was certain it wasn't a seizure is that I was completely lucid. Hives and itchiness that even a enough Benadryl to knock out an elephant wouldn't help! Fatigue all day and insomnia all night. Canker sores, nausea, and well you get the picture with out any more description! I felt less than stellar. I was going to wait it out. Figuring it had to give. Well, I gave in.
I call my doc, Dr.C. We have a pretty good relationship but he is very busy. When I spoke to receptionist and said she couldn't see me until next Wednesday, there were two options. I could either turn into "oh hell to the no, that is not going to work" or cry. I cried. I was broken. I couldn't muster up enough bad ass to be "that girl" so I was honest and just said I couldn't wait. I needed to be seen. On hold for 2 minutes and then I was given the 8:15 a.m. appt. Note to self, sometime you do catch more bees with honey, or in my case sobbing like a blubbering fool!
The rest of the night consisted a lot of the same craptastic-ness. Me feeling guilty because the hubs is managing all four boys and both beasts. Running between two different baseball practices and missing games because for us it really does take two to run this circus! He did floors, yard work, fed and bathed them all. It really is through sickness and through health. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering that. Spent a little time with the all the boys and then the rest of the night tossing and turning praying for some relief today.
Boy was I in for a shocker. Dr.C came in the office took one look at me and "you look like hell". Well, I sure do appreciate his bedside manner but I already knew that. He yelled at me for waiting for the few days to be seen. He griped about a few other things but mostly came to the conclusion that this Lupus thing is probably not the only thing going on. He said in pretty clear terms that he suspects that I also have Fibromyalgia. WTF! I'm like, ummm, no! There is absolutely no time for this. He agreed and apologized. He grumbled at the lack of communication he has had with my current rhuemmy and was going to give him a call later. Vials of blood were drawn, an EKG , pressure points for pain, a pat on the back and off I go til Monday.
I'll be damned! Why is my body letting me down? Why is my body refusing to bounce back like it used to, like it should do? The feeling of failure is devastating. I don't fail. Things generally come easy to me. Why is it set back after set back? Why is it compromise after compromise? I'm becoming so resentful and jaded. I feel angry and ugly on the inside. Why should I keep on working for this state of health when I'm not seeing any positive results? These are the things that in the deepest scariest parts of my mind and heart.
My life with Lupus and possibly Fibromyalgia is a worthy cause and worth the fight. Hell, I've donated more time and energy into less deserving causes. I am completely capable of doing the same to myself, for myself, and for my family. I'm on a mission to find a place for me and my health. A place to ease my mind, refresh my body and face another day with how ever many chronic illnesses I end up with. Too much truly matters to me to settle for anything less than that.