Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Before I was a Blogger, I just bitched...

     I have a busy brain but also brain fog. Which means for me, I have a lot going on but I can't get it out the way I want.  I have such a fun weekend planned and I've been working at putting my plans in order to be ready for the Detroit Half Marathon. It all starts this weekend with the Color Rad 5K. This race and weekend means so many things to me. I want to blog about that but I just can't put it together yet. So instead I decided to repost something I wrote a while ago. It's relevant because it is about running and that is a lot of what is on my mind today! Enjoy!

 So, everyone keeps telling me I should write a blog. I laugh at that b/c I’m sure it would be amusing until YOU were the subject of my blog….

I decided I needed to write a little something about running. I need to get a few things off my chest…and since there is no blog as of yet I thought a note would be a good source of venting!
I first want to say thanks to everyone for the thumbs up and positive reinforcement! I love it! But I do want to clear up the idea that I post what I run for the praise. I am SO NOT THAT GIRL! I do not post that crap b/c I'm saying “Hey look at me I’m running while you are eating your Egg Mcmuffin & drinking your eleventy billion calorie Starsucks mocha-sucka-latte”. I post to keep me from doing those things!

Off to rant I go…..

My internal love/ hate relationship with running….if for one hot minute I could turn off the fat hamster with mother issues that runs my brain, I’d be a whole lot less crazy (maybe). Every day, I talk myself into and out of running for a million different reasons. Sometimes I just do it in hopes that the voices will just shut the hell up. Needless to say, they don’t. They continue to push me running extra time and faster speeds. (I wonder if these are the same voices Britney Spears heard when she shaved her head and beat the hell out of the paparazzi’s car. I could see myself doing that too…but I’m taking medication for that now)

Sports Bras….ok, first really who the hell sizes these things? I'm a busty girl. I need some support. So, I assume when I buy a size Large “Sports “ bra it’s going to do its job. It’s going to keep the girls where they are supposed to be and not knocking me in the forehead causing a concussion. Because if you haven’t bought a sports bra lately, they come with push-up pads. They are removal but who fucking wants pads in a bra used for exercising? Nothing says sexy like sweat soaked foam that you have to peel off your chest! Or better yet, how bout the band around the bottom of the bra , it would be nice if it stays where it’s supposed to be so that  when I run I don’t have to tuck the “girls” in my shorts! I mean really, I'm trying to be the healthy me could it be a little less at the detriment of my boobs.

Shorts…I’ve tried all of them. I’ve yet to find anything that works. I initially started running in the longer basketball type short. Only to realize 2 things, First, there is nothing flattering about these shorts. I looked at myself and realized I looked very lesbianish. ( Not that I have anything against lesbians.( Actually, I myself would sometimes like a wife) With my uni-boob and long curve hiding shorts it appears I play on Ellen’s team. Second, once I started to lose weight and my shorts started to sag I went from looking like a lesbian to a wanna-be–ganster chick. As if somehow I was trying to look bad ass jogging saggy shorts with my granny panties hanging out! NOT SO MUCH!
I gave up on the long shorts and tried the running shorts! That is God Damn joke! If the size is Large on the short it should resemble something somewhere near a women’s large.( I say a women’s large b/c women know what a large means. Men obviously do not ,seeing how stories about fish & penises go! ) I’m running to get a smaller ass. I want to be able to where the running shorts and not have them creep up the chub-rub on my thighs. If I continue to have to wear these shorts that lie about their size and make me feel like a marshmallow I’m going to lose my shit! Capri pant’s it is for now!

People….I generally love the people in the neighborhood. They are all well meaning friendly folks. But sometimes I want to say STFU! For example, the old man watering his lawn who always says to me,”He doesn’t look tired at all”. This is in reference to Ayden in the jog stroller. Ha Ha Ha! It was mildly amusing the first time you said it. But we are going on a month of seeing each other everyday. I look like a dying moose by the time I run by your house. Don’t try to humor me with your corny old geezer one liner. Come up with something new. Squirt me with the hose. Give me the obligatory head nod. I’d even go for a hi-five or slap on the ass. Just stop with the same shit different day. Running is already pretty monotonous could you try to be a little more original!

Another example would be the perv on his porch smoking his cigar who loves to say, “I’d like that kinda ride”. This is him referring to Ayden and Brady in the double stroller. Don’t get me wrong it is a nice ride. But I’m fairly certain that is not at all what he means! I, at first found it flattering and then I just found him to be a completer creeper! Anyone , who seems to have a fetish over sweaty mothers pushing 75lbs. of kid up hill in the hottest part of the day is probably a whole boat load of wrong. I will now run on the other side of the street ! Thanks!

My last example would be the other runners, walkers, joggers, bikers, rollerbladers,etc….You are all some judgmental mofo’s! I mean ,even me! I would swear on everything holy that those skinny bitch runners pick up the pace with their shortie shorts and perky boobs just to piss me off. Walkers think you are trying to show them up so they slow down right in your path in hopes of tripping you. Bikers will ride right up behind you as if to say…get your slow fat ass out of the way! My favorite is the women I “know” Kevin pays to run by the house and make me feel guilty when I’m being lazy and having a beer on the deck! Bastards!

Having dealt with all this has made me decide that you can all get bent! I’m in it for long haul even if it is just so I have something else to bitch about!  

     So, as you can read not much has changed in my attitude. A lot has changed in my health. But I fully intend on getting back to running that hard and that determined so that I can blog about how I kicked the ass of running with Lupus, despite Lupus, and for Lupus.

Take Care of You....

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