The People on the Bus

* Disclaimer* this is a longer than usual blog.  It also is not as funny or light as usual! However, it still does contain as much foul language as usual, maybe a little less. You won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it, but if you do, feel free to share it! I promise more smart ass humor and nonsense soon!  

 Sweet baby Jesus, that didn't take long.  I made it a whopping 6 days into 40 and already feel like I'm having an existential life crisis!  I mean that with sarcasm and a tinge of question. ( I'm making sure my tone is coming across) I'm really not sure if I'm driving the struggle bus or I'm just a passenger.  That probably sounds vague and melodramatic. It is but it isn't.  I'll explain.

     When you're a passenger on the Struggle Bus, you can get on and off any time.  You usually pick your reasons for getting on, where you are going, who you are going with and when you'll get off.  What I mean by all these catchy metaphors is this.  Hiding out in my witch cave, for days at a time, eating everything or nothing, watching Wives with Knives , scrolling between social media apps and pinning all the motivational quotes and healthy food choices, is me being a passenger.  I bitch and moan to my few select textual partners about what a slug I feel like and how I'm going to end up on My 600lb life.  But I do it to myself, for the most part.  I jumped on the bus to miserable cow pastures, MOO...... and I have to get off.  Most of the time it's an easy look in the mirror and a WTF moment.  I take a shower pull it together! Back in the fast lane, jump in my grocery-getter to drop the kids off at one sport or another with my coffee in hand as I head out for a full day of mom-wife-boss life.  Singing off key and thinking to myself that I really feel better today. Keep on, keeping on with your bad ass!

     When your the driver of the Struggle Bus only thing  you  have control of is the radio. And let me tell you, even that is enough to make you want to put you head in the oven.  It doesn't happen often but when it does it's a horrendous shit show (think Speed 2) !  Every single ass hat you know and everything they have ever said, done or implied they might do is pulling you under.  Every time your feelings, emotions, time and self worth has been misused or ignored creeps back into the fore front of your brain.  You can't bring your self to kick any of these people, places or things off your bus even though you don't want them there! It's like your foot is glued to the pedal and you are about to have your solo version of Thelma & Louise.  Hope, hope is the only thing that you can do.  Hope that before you plummet over the edge, you run out of gas.

     Reading back over that I realize, it's kind of corny.  I wonder, does it come across as a plea for sympathizers or empathizers?  I think, why does any of this even matter?  It is corny.  It is in no way a plea for anything.  And most importantly, it does matter.  It matters because "I'm so lucky".  Because, "I have no idea what it's like".  Because, "Kevin is the best".  Because "your kids are so good".  Some days all those things are true but most days maybe half of one of those things might ne in the realm of  true.  Even though I'm not a destitute half wit who's husband beats her and kids are on drugs, doesn't mean things are peachy keen all the time.  Most people only give you half of what they want you to know and none of the ugly truth.  I just happen to be able to be the teller of unpopular truths and sharing it all with God & country. ( My sweep under the rug, vanilla  WASPY hubs love this about me, also read in sarcastic tone!)

     Now that I pontificated and spilled my bus metaphor for depression all over the interwebs, I'll over share some more!  I have literally gained back almost all of the weight I lost and am back on a few of the meds I went off.  It sucks.   But I'm owning it.  After talking with a guru & much investigating I'm working the Plexus program into my Paleo/Whole 30lite/ Get Hot for Sam Hunt regimen. The referral is being sent to the Lupus Clinic at UoM.  Hopefully they will accept me, even if I bleed green!   Also, resuscitating my running goddess is happening.  There is a Run For The Manatees race in May! If they can run, so can I!  I also have to give a huge shout out to my Food of Love For Your Soul partners and people I feed. 

     Even though I have peaks and valleys, I have an enormous support team and cheerleaders.  Most of the time it's me getting in the way of myself.  It has taken me time, now that I'm 40 and wise, to just let things heal.  A wise man said something to me the other day, he said, " like you tell everybody else, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF  Erin! Take Care of you too." That's what's happening!  I also have to give a huge shout out to my Food of Love For Your Soul partners and people I feed.  Nothing has made me happier than the amazing feed back of ways I have helped women & their families! Spending Sunday with the people I love the most is also a huge bonus!


Take Care of You......

Feeding your soul with food of love.

     Here's the blog about why I need to do this thing.  I'm not sure what I'm even calling this thing.  There is one thing I know!  For as long as I can remember ,  I suck at being an emotionally vulnerable supportive person to just about everyone of the people I love and care about. What I don't suck at, is feeding them !  Your cat dies, I will make you a lasagna.  Your baby daddy is sleeping with your sister, I will make you white chicken chili.  You have a tooth ache, give birth, commit a felony or have a teenager, I will make you the baddest ass chicken noodle soup you have ever eaten! I can't watch Gilmore Girls or Lifetime movies,cry and hold your hand.  I suck at expressing how sorry I am when you are grieving the loss of your favorite lip gloss or the love your life.  I can however tell you how you need to pull your shit together, eat these delish things and get over yourself, him, her, them or whatever else that has your feelings butt hurt and standing on the edge of  a Ben & Jerry's bender. Feeding your soul matters!


     Feeding your soul matters!  Food is one of those things that when prepared with all the things in your heart and mind can heal even the worst of problems.  I realized how much taking care of people and feeding them well made me feel, when I became a mom.  I was young, dumb & mixed up about a lot of things,  But when I fed my oldest for the first time, it was magical!  He loved mangoes, strawberries, Thai food, hummus & just about any other food I made for him.  It felt so good. My heart was happy and I didn't think about the other trials and tribulations of being a lost 19 year old new mom. It was our thing!


     You can also starve your soul for a long time.  I also realized that Shortly after my second son was a little over a year old.  I lost my mom, tragically and unexpectedly.  I had no coping mechanisms or support.  I gave up on myself, my kids, my health and theirs.  I ate terribly. I drank a lot.  I let people I thought that loved me and my sons "help me" with taking care of them.  Because I just couldn't. It was my first tip-toe into letting food comfort me and them.  Not good food. Not healthy choices.  Not soul food.  Subsequently, I had one son who was eating well but now wouldn't.  My other son would eat frozen pancakes, chicken nuggets (of only one brand), grilled cheese and fries.  Complete nightmare.  I  was a hot mess internally and externally!  We were starving , in away I can explain.


     I had my light bulb moment! It took way longer than it should have, but I got it! It took a divorce, marrying my best friend, 2 more amazing sons, a handful of autoimmune disease diagnosis's, a laundry list of prescriptions medications and dozens of peaks and valleys!  My life was changed over a 6month process.  It started with Wheat Belly , By William Davis .  That helped a lot, with a lot of things but I still needed more.  I read a bunch of Paleo books and loved it.  Then I found the "cure" for me in Whole 30.  It was so damn hard! 30 days of planning, prepping , and fighting my negative self image. I've done a lot worse things for more than 30 days and none of them made me happy, strong, full, 50lbs lighter and off 8 medications.  That my friends is food of love!


     Food of love had me present for everything.  Games, practices, races, socializing and genuinely better.  However, it is also easy to slip back into old habits and bad behaviors when you can give yourself more excuses than you should.  I'm essentially back at the starting block & ready to jump in with an 80/20 eating, meal prep service for anyone who wants to do it with me! My menu will be posted on a Facebook Page on Thursday.  Orders can be placed until noon on Saturday.  Pick ups will be on Mondays!  I will be posting on my FB page about the food prep and getting back on my running training plan.  NOTHING makes me happier than being able to cook healthy, organic, always gluten free, mainly Paleo and almost Whole 30 compliant food for people! I want this life change for life.  Not 30 days, not one year but forever!  The accountability of having people counting on me to help them make healthy good choices in my yummy food, is the best thing ever!


Keep your eye open for Soul Food of Love FB page and your invitation to join me!


Take Care of you......

Take care of you and you...and you too...

     So, there was this one time, a "friend" told me how being 39 was going to be her year. Running, eating clean, feeling great and living , not just existing.  She started out really strong.  Things seemed to be right on track with her ideas of the best year ever.  Slowly but not on purpose, she forgot to make herself a priority. When I, I mean "she" didn't take the time to take care of herself a snowball effect just rolled right over.  She sat down and asked herself, what it was going to take to straighten this out.  I've listened to her time & time again. I have high hopes that she will remember that she is worth it and that not only does she deserve it.  But so does her family.


      It is so easy to preach from the cheap seats.  It is impossible to explain to people how hard it is to admit to yourself that YOU put YOU in this spot. YOU  gave up on the things that make YOU better.  This is incredibly humbling and somewhat embarrassing that I confess the "sins" I've committed against myself and the ones who love me .  Having said all that, it is the exact kick in the ass I needed to pull myself together.  Much of that credit goes to my lobster, best friend, pain in the ass , caller of my bs and husband, Kevin.  If he didn't pester and nag the me, I probably wouldn't be able to share this new venture I'm tip toeing into.


     Most of you know that I have Lupus, Fibromyalgia, thyroid issues, Celiac's disease and depression.  I have experienced both ends of the spectrum with all my issues. Extreme highs & lows were only put into perspective for me when I did my first Whole 30.  It was a life changing process to see how food was exacerbating all of my problems.  Since then, I have tossed around the idea of making and selling gluten free, healthy ,home cooked meal choices that taste good and make people feel better.  Lots of ups & downs, starts & stops, rough drafts & game plans have gone into me doing this! But I did it,  I came up with a first menu. It makes me nauseated and nervous but I'm running with it.


     The pressure, the pressure of a name.....That's where I'm at. Quoting lines from Pretty Woman in hopes of figuring out what to call this so I can make a Facebook page.  Help! I promise if your suggestion or help, gets me to naming this little adventure, I'll give you some free food love! Pinky Swear!


       The over all game plan is this, I'll put out a menu on Thursday. Orders will be taken until Saturday at noon. Then pick up of your orders will be available Sunday evening & Monday.  My first menu will be posted with this blog and I will make a Facebook page.  The first orders will not go out until New Years Day! I look forward to sharing the ups and downs of this and the rest of my crazy life in the New Year! 




Going back to school for health coach & dietetics are in my future! Should be entertaining at least.  Nothing screams fun like an almost 40 year old going back to college! Please give me as much feedback as possible! Thank You!




Take Care of You.....


Menu  10/29-1/5


We have been specializing in cooking for our big family for over a decade.  Deciding to offer friends, family and anyone interested in trying our healthy approach on home cooking has something we have been mulling over since I did my first Whole 30, over a year ago.  You can expect everything to be organic, fresh and gluten free.  A new menu will go out on Thursday. All orders must be in by Saturday at noon.  Meals/products can be picked up twice a week on Sundays from 4-9pm & Monday from 7-9am, 4-9pm. Payments can be made via PayPal or cash at pick up! Specify your form of payment & I will send an invoice!

Salads:                                                                    Price:

·        Anti-Pasta                                                                                                      $7

Ham, salami, provolone, chickpeas on a bed of veggies

and greens with a Dijon and red wine vinaigrette

·        Chicken Salad                                                                                                $7

Chunk chicken with celery, onions, hardboiled eggs, mayo

With romaine lettuce cups

Small bytes and snacks:

·        Lemony Humus                                                                                             $7

Chick peas, lemon juice, tahini, olive juice with crudité

·        Protein Bars                                                                                                  $12/$18

Oats, flaxseed, natural almond & peanut butter, coconut oil,

shredded coconut, bananas, dates, chocolate

·        Egg Muffins                                                                                     $6.50/6 10$/12

Eggs, veggies & chicken breakfast sausage

Soups:

·        Vegetable soup                                                               7$/qt. 15$/whole pot

All the veggies in a tomato broth

·        Stuffed Green Pepper                                                    7$/qt. 15$/whole pot

Exactly as it sounds!!!      

Entrees:

·        Roasted chicken w/root veggies                                           8$/per 28$/family

·        Stuffed Cabbage                                                                                        8$/per 28$/family

Random Ramblings.......

      Reflecting & re-reading your own words can be a real kick in the ass.  It's my own version of "self-inflicted"tough love.  To say I have been struggling lately would be an under statement.  The struggle is self created, for the most part.  It's so self-defeating when you know what you need to do to "fix it" but it feels impossible at the same time. 

      Who the hell thought up Time Hop? Every morning there is a notification of the last 8 years.  And even if I avoided Time Hop, Facebook has an "On this day" that will show up right in the middle of your 3rd crunchy taco at lunch.  Nothing says "Have a Nice Day" like pictures of your dead dog, your kids before they were assholes or your ex-mother-in-law's passive aggresive comments.  Who has time for that? Or the reminder of how awesome you felt and how good your were doing? Only to realize all that work has been side tracked by a million little things that you let get in the way. ( A friend told me that, totally not me. HA! )

      What is it in "some" women ( of course not me )  that no matter how good they feel, how strong they get, how easy it is to make the time to make yourself a priority, but it still falls to the wayside.  What has to give before I , I mean they, throw it in the fuck it bucket and take care of themselves.  The rest will wait, right? There won't be guilt if you miss a the first quarter of a game or happy hour with the girls.  Right? I mean nobody has ever been made to feel like they were the worst mother, daughter, sister, wife, BFF, employee just because they said "it's going to be all about me".

      I've never considered myself a pioneer for women's lib or stand on a soap box preaching how I want to be treated like a man.  I very much enjoy that I have four strong young men for sons that can take out my trash, mow the lawn, shovel the snow, kill the spiders and those jobs.  I don't need to do those things.  I already know how much of a woman I am.  No amount of grass cutting or bug killing is going to make me forget that at then end of the day, when the house is all quiet......I'm still up going over the eleventy billion things I should've, could've, would've done.  That's the most affirming thing that reminds me that I'm a woman.

     This blog is jumpy and kind of all over the map. Partly because I'm writing in between scanning people's shitty Amazon purchases and fending off calls from a pissed off psychopath who's lost her Zappos shipment .  The other part is because I'm scared.  I'm scared to say that I'm disappointed in myself.  I'm scared to acknowledge that my flare ups from my Lupus are my fault.  I'm scared to talk about all of those things that add up to fuel my depression and anxiety.  I need the accountability of being a scatterbrained emotional crybaby so I will give myself the kick in the ass I need to find my healthy happy place again. I am going to do what I know is best for me and my loves!



Take Care of You........

When the other shoe drops....

     A year. An entire fucking year I went with out this, With out that nasty monkey on my back.  I have spent  365 days working on being a whole person again.  Not just a barely breathing waste of space rotting away in my cave.  Living vicariously through social media posts of my children.  Seeing them thrive through texts and iPhone pictures from my husband,family and friends.  I wanted all that behind me.  I wanted to be the daughter, sister, friend, wife and mostly mother I knew was inside of me.  I was letting Lupus and depression kill that in me.  I swore I had it.  I thought I figured my way out of the woods. I put a combination of things together to fix me. And I was winning.  So, why? Why does the other shoe always seem to drop for me?

     A little over 2 weeks ago I was in the Florida sun, playing in some vicious ocean waves with the love of my life, my dad, and my boys ( except for the oldest child who is always slighted).  I stood there for a what felt like an eternity and thought, I never could have done this last year.  Hell, if I'm being a hundred percent honest I wasn't sure I wanted to be alive this time last year.  I felt like such a burden. I had thought on more than one occasion that they all deserved a better me.  As I stopped for just a minute a heard them so happy. It brought a small happy sappy tear to my eye and we went back to playing.  I would swim out a little farther than them and my littles would yell out " not too far momma" or "it's gonna be a big wave momma be careful".  I smiled inside and would swim back to them because it felt amazing just to be doing. Not sitting on the side lines or watching.  They were getting a better me.  All good things come to end & that shoe does drop. I just can't understand why.

     I did my Whole 30. I eat gluten free and keep as close to Paleo as possible.  I have maintained running and even exceeded some of my own goals with that.  I've learned that cutting out toxic isn't just food & drink but people too.  I've done that.  I have stepped away from and cut out people that were just not good for me. I'm working on all those things I'm supposed to be, to keep me healing and my health in check.  So, what now? What witch doctor or voodoo priestess is going to help me figure this out, because I feel like I'm on the magic carpet ride back to hell.

   Already had to cancel plans last weekend. I love it when Lupus screws up my social life!  Even after I went into the Rheumy for some treatment.  No real relief there.  Back to taking my shot that supposed to help with inflammation.  It hurts like a son of a bitch and makes me feel like a zombie.  I haven't ran and I can't eat.  I opted to blog through tear filled eyes as I hear my oldest making dinner for his brothers and getting their lunches ready.  I can only write about it to remind myself that this will get better and I'm not going back down that rabbit hole.  It gives me some accountability if nothing else.
   
     There are gardens to be tilled. Flowers & veggies to be planted. Baseball for the little boys and football camp for the big boy.  Lake trips, boat rides, and family visits.  The oldest is home for the the summer to drive me crazy. I have races to run with friends and celebratory beers to drink in the sun, This to shall pass. It has to.  First step, journal, pull my shit together, quit my crying, make my running program & my Whole 30 menu. Second step, picking my start date and dragging you all along for the ride.

Take care of you.....

13.1 is not half of anything......

      I'm not holding back, if one person, EVER says to me, you just ran the half? or you only ran the half? I'm going to give whom ever that is the swiftest taco kick,no matter race, creed, sex or age.  I will be an equal opportunity crotch punter if running 13.1 miles is some how made to feel like the "ugly sister" of a race.  Because in my life, that bitch is the best, hardest thing I've ever done and I can't wait to do, next to child birth!  And we had to medically intervene to stop me from repeating that anymore than 4 times! Needless to say, I'm hooked! But it wasn't love at first mile.

     I was so nervous the few days leading up to the race. My training got wonky due to pneumonia & Lupus making a lovely appearance for no reason.  It was ravaging not just my training but my mental game plan.  I had myself psyched up, freaked out, rocking in the fetal position and reaching out for a life line! Cheese & Rice, thank you for the divine intervention of my running friends at MRTT.  Between the high priestess of all things positive and reaffirming & my Fit Chick Food lovie who is a bad ass, I felt like I wasn't going to die.  I also had some pretty good motivation/distractions & my hugely supportive running wifey! I am going to kick this races ass right after I do all the things I have to do to make sure that if I do die, the kids will have clean under wear for a week and everybody will be good on probiotics & multivitamins!

     Packets picked up, race clothes laid out, running game plan mapped out, alarms set, life will go on in the case of my demise for at least a week, and the hubs is making me the best possible Gluten Free Carb loaded protein packed meal.  Now, I'm left to take the advice of the  leader of the MRTT pack (aka high priestess of my running sanity) and dedicate each mile to someone . To stay focused. OK. I can do that. I haven't wrote in my journal in a while. Kill two birds with one stone. Fucking nightmare. Crying through journal entry. Nice!  Designating the miles, damn near hysterical! This is just perfect.  I love feeling all these feelings!
NO, NOT EVER. So, here is the list. My blurb behind why & what really happened!

      *this is long, sappy, foul mouthed, gross and not for everybody YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED*

13.1
      1. Drew Scott -why: my first love,learning experience,heart break &saving grace
                              really: these people are going to run me off this pot holey ass road
      2. Carter Joseph- why: hes overcome so much. so can I.
                              really: it's so windy. I can't stop coughing. I may puke!
      3. Brady Robert- why: my  5k running heart of gold who saved my life
                              really: I almost puked on that chick, maybe will get off my ass now!
      4. Ayden Randall-why: the final piece of my puzzle & my favorite miles to run
                               really: holy shit 4 miles! I'm killing this.
      5. Noah Walker- why: I'm his NerNer. He's my Noey. I'm so happy to have him here in MI
                               really: It is not cold anymore. I'm thirsty. My wifey's choice in energy food...ewwww
      6. My Sister -      why: This is my farthest race I've ever run & she is the one I know will be there no                                                matter how far I go.
                               really: Hell yes! Half way! (until the cop at the mile marker say "just let you ladies know                                          the first person has finished", Fuck that guy!)
      7. Squad-           why: there are so many awesome women & men in my life that have supported me                                               when I have been sick,healthy, running, not running, fat,skinny, miserable, happy!                                           Seven is lucky and I'm very lucky!
                                 really: it's getting really cold again and I'm cramping up. WTF is this pain...I'm                                                         done...I'm texting Kevin.
      8.Dad & Judy-  why:  So glad that love is us getting passed 8 years of stubborn. Happy that's all over!
                               really: The hubs & the boys surprised me. I cry. Can't quit now. I call on my inner                                                    Eminem, "I'm gonna turn around with a great smile, and walk my white ass back                                            across 8 mile.....
     9.Ray & Chris- why: more like my big brother and sister than uncle & aunt. Best family & friends ever.
                              really: If my running wife tries to feed me one more nasty jelly bean i'm going to stab her!
    10&11. Kevin- why: the "hubs" for eleventy million things. Because we never know how long we have                                          been married. Because he is my best friend and spoils me rotten. Because he knew if                                    I made it this far I was never backing down. Mostly because he put up with all ME                                        every damn day!
                            really: this is the farthest I have ever run. I can just be ok with quitting. Its still an                                                    accomplishment. But damn it! Those kids are at this mile too. And then, the airplane                                      hanger with the music and the cute boys in the white Lamborghini. Fuck......I                                                CAN'T QUIT!
   12. Laura Miller-why: I don't people. But when you meet someone and instantly it's love at first sight! You                                      hold on tight.  We became family fast and I can't stand going days with out seeing                                          her face. Running, lifting, laughing, steaming, drinking, fowling, eating, pedis,....I                                            could
go on for ever. She is amazing!
                            really: uphill in the wind, or at least if feels like it, plus I'm carrying a dead body. I swear to                                      Jeebus Crust! Oh no, that's my frozen thunder thighs. I'm just more of a 10k runner,                                      this is stupid.
13. my mother-    why: I've wrapped a lot of the last 13 years trying to heal from losing you. It will happen.                                      You always loved to watch me run. Well, I'm running now!
                            really:We made it! Are you kidding me? I didn't die? I'm going to hug Laura so hard she                                        pukes. I can't wait to sit down. I hope I can stand back up. I wonder if there is a                                          half I can do in June?
   .1 the rest of you- why: if you have given me bullshit, hid bullshit, tried to sell me bullshit, lied to me about                                          your bullshit, included me in your bullshit, or just quit me over some bullshit. I've let                                        it go. I don't give a single fuck about you or any of it any more. I left all of it in that                                        one .1 mile. Be happy,be miserable, just be something other than trying to steal my                                        joy. Because I left all of it right there.
                              really: TRUE STORY

Take Care of You.......

You Got to Know When To Hold Em

   I have officially been 39, for a 2 weeks and one day. That is all.  Two weeks and one day into my year of being a bad ass and I already am questioning everything. Literally, EVERY-MOTHERFUCKING-THING!  I feel less prepared for life than I ever have.   And let's just call a spade a spade, I have some pretty questionable life moments that lacked preparation, i.e  pregnancy (x4), committing to being a blonde, tattoos,and so on and so on..... In general I don't care if I'm making the "right" decision or think things all the way through.  I follow my gut and play out the hand I'm dealt.  I'm a "live and die" on the river kind of girl, always waiting to see what is the last card the dealer will flip up to make or break my hand.  How's that working for me? I can't complain for the most part. But I'll be damned if the last two weeks haven't been a real test of my poker face.

     This last week especially.  Holy hell, who do I have to screw to catch a break in the health department!  Endocrinologist, "It's not a tumor". Great, I'm not going to die.  However, there is no other real explanation for why I run like a Kenyan, all be it a slow one, eat Paleo(ish) and stick to my meds (most of the time) that I should not be feeling better, losing weight and have the energy of a teenager.  Well isn't that a gem!  Even better, there is a medicine I could try, to fix that but insurance won't cover it! Yeah! Thanks for nothing. And on to the next one.  Family Practice DO, "you sound like hell!".  No kidding.  Two days after I asked the Endocrinologist to listen to my chest, that he said was clear, I have pneumonia.  Pneumonia, sinusitis, and a shot of Rocephin for good measure.  Yeah me! Nothing like a healthy does of herpasyphagonilitis to make you feel like 39 is the new 80!  Unless you spend any time with your kids and go to a doctor, then you will feel worse.

     All jacked up on antibiotics and steroids with the oldest and I get to go for our eye exams.  We both need new glasses, thanks to the dog and it's been a year or so.  Driving out there is fun enough just listening to the difference between him at 19 and me at 19.  I was a mother. He doesn't know how to do anything without his mother.  I was married.  He never wants to be married.  It's all a fun forced family experience until the lady says bifocals. What the ? For who? Oh, um, no? I'm 39. I'm not wearing no damn bi-focals.  Hysterics from the oldest as I except that not only am I old but also medications & Lupus have degraded my eyes.  Bifocals for this beotch! Whiny and whipped I except my age & the things I can not change. Its going to get better.  I get to go hang out with an old friend for my yearly contribution to the food service industry at the Lenten fish fry!

     There are certain things that can not lie.  One of them is my face.  It is all telling.  There is absolutely no way in hell that when a 15 year old table clearer, working community service, gives me sass about what her "job" is  that my face didn't read " I will not hesitate to mop the floor with your face" even before the words came out of my mouth!  Or when the nice young lady ordered the black bean burger and requested that it be cooked on a surface where "no flesh had ever touched", I'm sure my face said " you have got to be fucking kidding me. This is the Knight of Columbus.  Every surface has had flesh on it! This is a fish fry!".   The topper on the cake of the night however was, super cute hipster.  He wanted a wheat & gluten free vodka.  Not because he has Celiac's.  He has an allergy to "something to do with wheat".  He didn't want to go over the top with his drink and the beer battered fish.  I know my face said, " You're getting Mohawk vodka & I'm charging you for Chopin because people like you make my life a living hell".  I bit my tongue til it bled.  I made it out alive and so did everybody else.

      I promptly left as soon as the oil was cooled and drove straight to the corner bar.  I ordered a cheeseburger medium rare with crispy fries. Pray for my non-practicing Catholic soul . I had two gluten laden cold ass beers and a fabulous lemon drop.  My belly hurt the next day.  This is exactly why I question my ability to make good decisions as a 39 year old woman! I'm sure I will continue to make questionable decisions.  Maybe I will be more conscious of it.   Yes, that is it.  I won't throw the whole year out the window after two weeks and 1 day.  So, I've had to start wearing bifocals. I have more face creams than letters in my name. I concentrate harder when I cough and sneeze. I bought a sewing machine because i figured I need to learn at my age. I have to take a few more medicines and probably need to control my impulses a bit.  However, the cheeseburger was great. Cold beer is my Achilles heel. The lemon drop was worth it.  Closing the bar on a Sunday sometimes needs to be done. And sewing could be cool.

Take Care of You

Monday will never be the bride, always the bridesmaid.

   
    Trying to find some wise words of wisdom to talk myself in to believing that I can
out funk this day.  It's just so blah! 4 hours in the Infusion Center with the man-child doesn't help.  He is one of the healthiest "chronic" people here.  There are a lot worse things going on, on  floors just above and  right below me.  It makes me thank God it's just Chron's.  So, that is positive.  Slightly less ho-hum than being crabby about being here for Monday afternoon. Happy little boys so excited to be getting the hell out of the hospital , who hug you and tell you that you smell pretty, also doesn't suck!

    Then why do most (or all) Mondays just suck! There has never been ( for me) nor will there ever be ( because I know everything) a good Monday.  Has anyone even ever wrote a happy song about Monday? Is there anything even slightly delightful about Monday to write even a little ditty? FUCK NO!  There's your answer.  But if someone know's of one, I'll take a listen & see what it says.  Equal opportunity hater here!  I can't get it together.  My get up & go, got up & went somewhere and I'm pretty sure that there is no returning address! So what the hell am I gonna do, I have a 4 miler next Monday night & my first half (13.1 long ass)miles in about 5 weeks.  And the only thing that keeps popping in my head is this...
     This phrase of unknown origin speaks to me. About a million, things but mostly the need to feel content, to be safe, have my health, be the best mother,wife,lover, daughter, sister, friend, etc......And waiting for the other shoe to drop.  WTF is with that? I feel my best me when I'm whole 30 eating,blog writing, race running, SUV full of sporting equipment, me.  So, why do I fight it? Doubt it? Even sabotage it?  ( que the Beastie Boys Sabotage)  I push back so hard and let things,big or small, steal that from me.  It's essentially the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other.  And I think neither of them have a clue between them of what the hell is going on with me!

     It gets better.  It always does. Turns out today is actually National Margarita Day.  Not to bad for a Monday.  Definitely makes Monday night looking a whole lot more palatable now that I know there is tequila involved. Maybe I will actually finish this aimless blog and enjoy the evening.  As of this moment, things are looking very suspect.  The Littlest won't quit telling me how good my margarita looks and even though the hubs is preparing a totally delicious Paleo friendly dinner of carne asada street-style tacos, my cravings are a little more savage! I could absolutely take down a box of Girl Scout Cookies and cold piece of my 15lb lasagna, while watching Wives with Knives with no pants on!  I won't.   Because, to quote Dr.House, "Slutty party girl is fun,til she pukes on her shoes--then she's just a pain in the ass".   I don't want to be the slutty pain in the ass party girl.  Well, at least not on a Monday!

     Tuesday will come and I will be better, right?  It will be.  Already one margarita in, 7 boys feasting on quesadillas, soft tacos, hard tacos and guacamole.  No tv. No practices.  The hubs and I will eat alone once the savages are satiated.  Presently, the most important thing in the entire world is that Bob's Kroger 86'd the Choco Taco and their childhoods are now  ruined.  If that is the first thing that comes to their minds when considering life altering childhood memories, is the lack of Choco Tacos, I might actually get that "mother of the year award" just yet! *lights flickering*

Take Care of You......

p.s.  whilst proofreading this, I immediately remembered why, I will never be mother of the year. Why?  Because my kids never shut the hell up & I can't gag them!

Hello, It's me........

     Such a cliche tag line, but I'm going with it.  I'm 5 full days into my 39th year and I have far exceeded the amount of belly aching & retching I anticipated ( and not from over serving myself ).  Straight up, had the stomach flu not once but twice.  For sure the gifts from my fabulous boys.  4 kids spread out over 3 campuses means huge helpings of germs, not to mention my underachieving immune system.  I was a hot ass mess!  My intentions were to enjoy my birthday week and set out on having the best year for me.  I have some big things on the horizons and even bigger ideas inside. Somethings I have shared and others I haven't. I did however have a request of one thing from me this year. And it made me stop,think & decide, I owe him, my kids, my family, myself and my mom something. Forgiveness. A finality to everything. A goodbye. A hello. A why? A why not? A this is me now. A this is what I was. Not all at once and not even a little everyday. Just to try.  And this is how I got there......

    Friday February 12th, I had an awesome run with my running wifey & a busy day with the hubs.  I knew I needed to rest because we had fun plans with friends for the next evening , my celebration.   I laid down for a nap and woke up melancholic.  It happens a lot when you are me.  The hubs is pretty understanding of my depression and such.  I laid in bed debating eating dinner or having a pity party for one, when I realized what the hell was on my television.  Say Yes to the Dress.  What the fuck is this and why am I watching. And still watching and judging. Out of no where, I'm crying.  Not just a few drops, I'm talking waterfalls. Ugly Oprah Winfrey type cry!  I text the hubs ( Yes, we text each other in the same house from different rooms! Don't hate).  

me :  Why am I crying over Say yes to the dress?

Hubs: Because you are crazy?lol

me:  no shit.

Hubs: Sorry we didn't have a big wedding.

me: I never wanted that.  That doesn't bother me.  I was never that girl you know that.  

Hubs: well, then, why?

me:  It's the mom's.  The mother/daughter shit. I know it. I hate that. She never got to see me happy. I regret that.

Hubs:  Your Happy?

me:  If you're going to be funny I'm going to be the grammar Nazi. It's "you're". And yes I am happy.  If I wasn't happy I wouldn't try so hard for you and the boys. 

Hubs:  Seriously, Erin, if you could do one thing for me, take a notebook and just write her.  Tell her what your doing.  Tell her what you are feeling.  Doesn't have to be deep or important every time or long. Just try.

me:  I need to do that.  I think about it a lot when I run. You are right.  I will try.

Hubs:  I'm proud of everything you do. Your running & taking care of yourself. But if you did this it would mean the most.  

me:  I suck at forgiveness.

Hubs:  If someone can forgive when their entire family has been wiped out by a drunk driver, you can forgive your mom.

me:  maybe

    I stopped writing.  I stopped blogging a while back.  I miss it.  I decided to start here.  Ease my way back into it. It is hard to just sit down and write a letter to someone who you thought would have forever.  To write about my anger. To write about my happiness. To write about my family and how much her selfish act changed my way of being with them.  It will come.  It will happen.  It probably will be messy but I promise it won't always depressing!   I want to blog a lot this year about my ventures and my way to forgiveness.  

Take Care of You........

Wrapping up the Whole 30

     Officially, I am 5 days post Whole 30.  It's finally feeling like summer and I feel outstanding!  My accomplishments with the Whole 30 were this.... I lost 5 prescription medications for my Lupus and its side effects.  I have learned so much about what is in foods that I thought were "good for me" like gluten free substitutes for pasta,crackers,cereal etc.  I no longer want sugar unless it is from natural sources.  My energy levels are the best I can remember. I don't need a nap everyday and my night sleeping is so sound. I have been able to hang out and play with the boys.  I also lost 18 pounds.  I know that is a significant amount.  I also know that this is a long journey and not a sprint for me.  Becoming aware of that and my twisted relationship with food and alcohol is my favorite lesson I learned through the Whole 30.

     I'm pretty sure I am not the only one who uses food and alcohol to soothe themselves.  I also do it to "fix" everybody else.  If things get hard, uncomfortable or emotional , I will gladly whip up a 17lb lasagna and open as many bottles of wine it takes.  I will do what ever needs to be done to avoid dealing with mine or anybody else around me, when they are upset.  I thought for sure getting fed and tipsy was just what the doctor ordered.  Apparently, I was wrong.  Instead, over the last 30+ days I have cried, argued, put myself in time out and rationally discussed all kinds of things.  It was crazy hard but one of the most important things I learned about myself! So, yeah me!

     Now that I am free to eat all the things, I can't.  I can not bring myself to just let loose and get gluttonous with food.  I have decided to eat pretty close to Paleo & Whole 30 with a little tweaking.  And by tweaking I mean booze &  some cheese.  I can not imagine not having feta & goat cheese.  I love those things & they make other food just so much tastier.  For the sake of my sanity and my family's well being I will have to have wine & vodka! Not in the same drink , but for relaxation & yummy goodness.  I love a nice Pinot Noir at the end of the night! I need a vodka & lemonade on the boat! Those little things that make life slightly less hard are not going to steal my health!  I never want to let Lupus and how it effects me be because of how I treat my body, EVER AGAIN!

    So, this is my accountability post! I am going to continue running, eating well & enjoying my summer.  We have so much fun planned as a family & just the hubs and I.  I am going to thoroughly enjoy all the the things that July has in-store for us. I'm going to promise to try hard to not over think everything and wonder when the other shoe will drop.  I won't let Lupus control my brain and creep in with the negative nagging of knowing that there is no cure.  I will never be able to say I "used" to have Lupus, but what I can do is go into remission. I can tell everybody & everyone about how I  "used" to feel and how much it controlled my participation in my life.  I will be able to show off how I am living life to its fullest in spite of Lupus!  Whole 30 round 2 starts August 1 2015! Anybody that loves themselves and the people around them can do this! 30 days can change your life!.

Take care of you ....

Whole 30 Day 18 & the struggle is REALEST!

.....So real , that in the last 10 days I haven't been able to come up with a better blog title than that! Ewww. I hate redundancy, but really that is all I could come with .I have hit the proverbial wall of, blah! My disdain for redundant things is probably why I would have slapped the Pope this morning for something other than eggs! Imagine that, I wanted to have Greek yogurt and cardboardy tasting gluten free granola rather than eggs and bacon with sweet potato hash.  That my friends is where the light came on. If I were in a cartoon the bubble over my head when have been a beacon beaming light as I realized that I have a fucked up relationship with food, sugar and alcohol!

     ( in the voice of the guy that says_____days later on Spongebob ) 4 days earlier.  Late Tuesday afternoon / early evening, I completely melt down on the Hubs.  I have a very small recollection of what it was about, but really I was mostly pissed cause he was able to nap ( when ever or where ever. Freak!) and he was eating an oatmeal cookie. I went into complete helpless female cry about how hard this was! Ugly cry, unavoidable, and no explanation would come out but, " You don't know how hard this is!".  I was crying about food and drinking.  Unreal!

      ( in the voice of the guy that says_____days later on Spongebob ) 3 days earlier.  I'm sitting in The Children's Hospital waiting room.  The older of the middles was having an upper GI scope.  He has Chron's.  This was a check up to see if we need a more evasive medication because he had been having some issues.  He was back in the OR and I was feverishly texting with the Hubs & the oldest.  Thoroughly annoyed & ready to be done with all 18 years of my oldest. I'm eating my banana , sipping on my lemon water and crying, again!  I'm sitting in this room with complete strangers, tears streaming, fingers typing a million miles a minute and the entire time I'm glaring at this woman next to the vending machine.  She was snoozing against the vending machine with a Coke and a Subway meal deal jammed in her hospital issued bag.  I totally wanted to steal it & rock in the fetal position after I smashed it in 3 minutes flat!  I haven't had a Coke in years and I haven't eaten yoga mat Subway bread or their slimy lunch meat, in even longer.  I am completely losing my fucking mind!

( in the voice of the guy that says_____days later on Spongebob ) Later that Day.   Scope went swell. He is healing nicely.  Yeah! Score one for the home team! Life and evening will go on as planned!  8th Grade Honors night will go with out any interruption.  Until, I happened.  My oldest middle is most classically known as the smartest dumb kid you would know.  He is book smart but pushes on a door that says pull.  He is strong and handsome but also not very proficient with his social skills.  At the juice and cookies portion of the 8th grade super-drama (thanks to me) he is with his crush and her family. I'm standing alone, not having cookies or juice, crushing my water bottle and yearning for the gum out of Lu's mouth. ( she is my bff it would have been ok) I suddenly decide it's all about me and how I'm alone and being ignored by my son on HIS night ( not mine).  I teary eyed storm off with a , "I'm going to the car".  He is baffled.  I drive with him to where we are to have his celebration dinner.  I'm crying again.  I turn up the radio at an attempt to stop the nonsensical behavior, that I have taken on as my norm.  He turns down the radio and asks what's wrong.  He feels awful. He is confused. He is asking the Hubs and the Oldest what the hell is wrong with me.  They are all ready to call the White coats and the wagon to come get me.  Dinner ruined. Mom sucks. Life goes on.

( in the voice of the guy that says_____days later on Spongebob ) Present Day.  The oldest middle left this morning for a 10 day vacay to Texas.  I get up , give him his meds & shot , hug and good-bye.  My chest is so tight and I'm so agitated.  All I can think about is yogurt. Yogurt & granola. Yogurt, gluten free granola, & cheese. Yogurt,gluten free granola, cheese & wine! I must eat all the cheese and drink all the wine.  Then I will feel better. Ding! There it is.  There is my light bulb moment.  Ladies and gentlemen, I suck at grieving. I suck at other peoples grieving.  I have little control over how I feel and what to do when my emotions are out of control.  I immediately think of what I can eat & drink or cook & serve to make me and everybody else feel better.  I didn't even need an intervention or Dr.Phil to figure that shit out.  I will how ever be paying out the nose in family therapy for those that have to live with me while I figure this out!

Take care of you............

8 days in and the struggle is real!

      It's the second day of June and the Whole 30 struggle is real! I am officially half way through my eighth day and I want to kill something or eat all the things!  My resting bitch face has become my permanent expression for the entire day.  Nobody gets me. I'm misunderstood. The kids are laughing too loud. I want to stab the hubs for clicking the mouse to much.  It's infuriating the way that the "middle" has to walk around with ear buds all the time.  Why do the dogs smell so much, like dogs?  Yes! This is the status of my mental well being at this moment.  I would give my oldest away for a piece of cheese and a glass of Cabernet. ( I'd actually just give him away for nothing, Just as secure no return policy.)

     That is a little dramatic and highly exaggerated, but it is some of the down side to the Whole 30.  I am definitely detoxing.  I am definitely moody and edgy! I am definitely ready to get sized up for my prison orange coveralls.  But that is just today!  There is the upside to this.  The last 8 days have not been like this at all.  Other than a slight headache on and off since I started, I have felt amazing!  I have had more energy. I've been able to enjoy my runs again.  I'm sleeping like a teenager ( like all the time).  I am enjoying some of the most amazing foods and drinking all the water I need.  My joints don't ache.  My heart is not palpitating.  I'm not nearly as swollen. My Celiacs isn't flaring up. My skin is brighter. In general, this is the best I have felt in more than two years. And that my friends scares the absolute life out of me.

     When you live with Lupus and other auto-immune diseases it is terrifying when you feel good.  I start to question everything and wait with anticipation for the other shoe to drop.  I try to be cautious with my spike in energy because I am afraid of over doing it and putting my self in a flare.  I pay way to much attention to the good sore that comes with increasing my workouts. Constantly wondering is this the beginning of days of pain filled sleepless nights.  It is scary to feel good.  The saving grace to this is my amazing cast of characters that support me and keep me in touch with reality!

     My support system is one of a kind and my biggest blessing.  It ranges from my amazing hubs and family, to my girlfriends who always know when to talk me out of my crazy!  With out all of them I'd be a Whole 30 drop out and mad at myself, for sure!  Although, it would be nice if someone accidentally slipped a little vino in my water bottle! I received a Get Well soon card from the Merchants of Vino. Their store has seen a drastic dip in profits the last week and they assumed I was ill! I kid! I kid!

     I have been taking pictures of some of the amazing food that the hubs and I have been making.  I will share them with you and if you are interested in recipes just give me a shout out! This journey isn't easy and the struggle is real! But I have a feeling that the end results are going to be worth it all!
Take care of you....

Fajita Salad

Brick Chicken ,roasted potatoes & Greek-ish salad

Bolognese zucchini boats with tabbouleh

Chicken Salad 

Roast Turkey Breast with root veggies & sweet potatoes

Day 1 of the Whole 30.( No wine or cheese!)

     The unofficial start to Summer is here! And so I have started the Whole 30. This is the land of no wine or cheese. Lots of other rules,too, but these are the ones that scare me the most.  Today is day 1.  I'm pretty excited and not nearly as nervous as I should be.  It is only day one, though. I have 29 days left to regret publicly announcing this and hating the accountability!  The idea of a system reset is truly the most intriguing part of this. I am on so many prescription medications for my auto-immune issues that there is nothing but positive outcomes that can come from this.
     I'm going to try to blog every few days to share what I'm eating and how I'm feeling.  Hopefully, I won't end up rocking in the fetal position begging for wine & cheese.  If you see me doing this, send me home. Don't feed the crabby irrational cow in front of you wine and/or cheese.  I'm sure I will thank you for it, at some point.   This is how today shaped up....

Breakfast-2 eggs,(approved) sausage scrambled together.  Tomatoes. Fruit.

Lunch-tuna salad with homemade mayo in a romaine lettuce boat. Fruit salad.

Dinner-roasted spaghetti squash with kale and sausage. Also made homemade ghee!

     I'm totally full and have my meal plan for tomorrow.  Tentatively, Kale, Squash & sausage leftovers with a sunny side up egg & fruit for breakfast.  Sauerkraut , potatoes and sausage in the crock pot for lunch. Mexican for dinner, will be flank steak with chimchurri sauce and fajita style veggies!

     I am sticking to just lemon water for now.  I will probably have some tea before bed and make some unsweetened iced tea tomorrow.  I can not even think about drinking black coffee, so I'll just let it go for now! Until next time!

I don't want to be a miserable cow......

      I spent the better part of yesterday at the Endocrinologist and getting blood work.  I see a lot of doctors.  I take a lot of meds. Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Celiac's disease, depression, miserable cow syndrome and anxiety! Apparently, auto-immune diseases like me. The most recent hurdle I have had to add to my laundry list of auto-immune issues is hypothyroidism/Hashimoto's disease.  They all suck but this one plays a hell of a game on a girl's self esteem.  I am more tired, more depressed and have even less energy.  It sucks the life out of me.  My vitamin B & vitamin D are in the toilet and my Celiac's is just not cooperating. I see my primary care doc and my rhuemmy tomorrow.  I will run over the 3 new added meds with them and then tell them I want to try The Whole 30.  As with everything, better to ask for permission than beg for forgiveness.  Especially when the guys with the white coats and script pads are the ones who rule your world.  

     The Whole 30.  It's a little crazy. A lot of preparation and planning. No alcohol!  But it's only that hard for the first 30 days.  I think I can do that.  I can give myself  the dedication of 30 days.  I haven't read the whole book yet, I'm going to do that tonight, but the idea that in 30 days I could reset my system.  That I could potentially get off some of these meds. Reduce my swelling and pain! Sleep better! Feel better! Be less of a miserable cow! I have to!

     Moooo! Yes, I am a self-admitted miserable cow.  I have night sweats and day sweats.  Everything hurts.  My guts are all bubbley.  My hair is falling out.  I can't sleep at night and am exhausted all day.  My depression is one of the hardest parts.  It's difficult explain to people ( especially the brood of males I live with).  Not only do I feel like my body is failing me but my mind is turning its back on me too.  I realize that depression is not something that people talk about. It is so very, very real! I know from the sidelines depression looks like a situational issue. My situation doesn't lend itself to a sympathetic audience.  I am a stay at home mom with  an amazing husband and healthy happy kids.  I live the glorious life in mid-western suburbia.  I can workout, lunch with my friends and don't want for much.  And yes, I am still depressed. I am physically and mentally not well and I want to be all over happy and healthy.  I don't want to sacrifice one for the other.
No more miserable cow syndrome.

     In my endeavors to be less of miserable cow, I have been more and more intrigued on what food could do to help heal me.  I have been inspired and encouraged by an amazingly awesome friend and I'm going to do it.  I'm going to start the first 30 days of The Whole 30 before weeks end.  I'm going to read, prep and plan.  I will blog about it too. I'll share my honest opinions and experiences.  Maybe even provide some inspiration! If not, I'm sure it will be hilarious and scary!  I will also be dedicating myself back to my workout wifey and spending as much time as I can not hiding, not letting my head talk me out of the potential for healing and getting back at feeling good.  If you are interested,http://whole30.com/.

Take care of you......

Bullies suck.

      So, this popped into my news feed yesterday, http://www.arabamericannews.com/news/news/id_10454/Parents-accuse-Lowery-Middle-School-of-allowing-bullying-of-deaf-daughter.html#st_refDomain=m.facebook.com&st_refQuery=&st_refDomain=www.facebook.com&st_refQuery=/. Read it! If you have a kids, were a kid, knew a kid, lived by kid or heard about a kid who went through middle school you know that it isn't an easy thing. Zits, periods, hair growing everywhere, peer pressure and the looming thoughts of high school are just the tip of what is going on.  That is on the small scale.  But on a grander scale, there is this, a bullied child.  Bullied because of hearing aids, her weight, the way she talks, etc. Why? Why is this OK? Who is raising these hate mongers to be so mean? Who is  letting them get away with it? Why?

     I can not wrap my brain around why this OK.  I can not fathom someone, not even a child, coming to me and saying I'm so depressed that suicide is an option.  All because some mean kids aren't being held accountable for their actions.  Where is the zero tolerance policy police for this? I can tell you where they are.  They are too scared to get involved. The people that are supposed to be in the schools to be a safe place for our kids to vent,when they need a voice, are scared.  They are scared to stand up to little Johnny's or Suzy's parents because behind the little bullies are even bigger bullies.  These big bullies,parents, come to the school and create such a scene that schools don't even bother to get involved.  It's absolutely unacceptable.

    The level of unacceptable behavior and actions , how they will be handled and repercussions for such, start at home.  I'm far from perfect parenting.  I have many screw-ups and mishaps daily.  There is one constant. The boys know, when you leave this house you are a reflection of us, your parents. So, you better carry yourself that way.  If you are going to be a jackass, do it at home ,so we can handle it. Not for all of God and country to tell me about it. I'm not Johnny's mom who thinks her kids can do no wrong.  I will make a scene but not on your behalf, but because you know better. I have never liked getting involved in the kids squabbles and he/she doesn't like me etc. That in mind,  I will be damned if I'm holding my kids to a standard of good moral and social high ground and little Johnny jackass is going to come to school and make everybody miserable.  Nobody has to accept this.  The only way that this is going to change is if parents all get on the same page.  

      What page? Where is this manual of perfect parenting ? Parenting manual?  There isn't one.  That's obvious... The more blatant fact that there isn't a manual for poor parenting either.  You have to give a damn.  You have to care about what goes on in the 8 hours your kid is at school.  You have to not want them to get A's for showing up. You have to let them fail. You have to show up to not just your 9 to 5 but the other job that you signed up for, for the next 18+ years.  You unleash your spawn out there. If they don't respect you or worry about what you are going to think, then what?  They won't care about who they disrespect and what happens as they trash through life.  They are unleashed on everyone else to be mean, rude, disrupt and wreak havoc for everyone else to deal with it.  Who wants that? Who has time for that? I don't. I also don't want that infecting my kids, their classes, their teams and their social lives.  Man the fuck up and start parenting your children so that we don't have to worry about the consequences of your child's behavior. 


     I'm going to step off my soap box, and promise something funnier and lighter next time.  Having said that, I do hope that someone, somewhere has this girl's attention. That there is a parent, a friend, a teacher, anyone who cares, to tell her that she isn't what these kids are doing to her. That it isn't her fault. That they are sorry the system is failing her. That it isn't fair but it will get better.  That their are going to be changes and they will see her through this.  Kids need that.  If you want good kids, 90% is showing up and being present. ( The other 10% is bribery, blackmail and fear. I kid!)  If your kids know you are there, you will love them in spite of and because of who they are and what they do, they will want to be good people.  They will want to do well, succeed and share that with you.  There is nothing worse than a disappointed parent. ( I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.  Like a dagger to the heart! ) If your kids respect your opinion of them, then they will respect the opinion of what they show others.

Take care of you.....

Re-Claiming, Re-purposing & Reality

"Don't call it a comeback
I been here for years
Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear
Makin the tears rain down like a MON-soon
Listen to the bass go BOOM
Explosion, overpowerin
Over the competition, I'm towerin......"


     A little dramatic with the LL Cool J Momma Said Knock You Out lyrics, ya think? Nah, there is no such thing as too dramatic, right?  I figure the first blog since 661 days ago, or if you prefer 1 year,9 months, and 22 days.  I will not bore you with a mid-western surburban Real Housewives of Ridiculousness type recap of what's been going on here . I figure we can start fresh and present and when something arises that needs a back story, I will fill you in. 

     Re-claiming. I read a brilliant article. http://modernloss.com/how-im-making-mothers-day-my-bitch/.  It was on point with the painfully honest hardship that women go through on the Hallmark holiday with the absence of a mother.  I know so many women that feel jealous, bitter, angry, put-off, put-out or just completely over the entire sentiment of it. Myself included. Until I read this. I asked my self, why are you being such a miserable cow? I know damn well why I'm being a miserable cow. I want to be mad at the day because I don't get the perks. I don't get to brunch like ladies with my mother and sister.  There is no forced family function where my boys are dressed in what I want them to wear,where they have to eat  an over priced 5 course meal with nana and not complain. Is that really that important?

     Nope. I reclaim my Mother's Day and the whole damn weekend.  I get to run a 5k with my family, my sister and nephew! We get out of my grocery getter heading to the starting line , Our walk up music is Uptown Funk & I'm happy.  We get pelted with color and smiles. It's awesome! The boys spend the rest of the weekend being at my disposal. Housework and laundry is on them. Daily chores still maintained and no pity parties thrown on my part.  I'm making this weekend count. I claim it for me. I get to eat too much, drink too much, yell at sports on tv and laugh until we cry.  I get to do that with my friends and my family! I feel bad spending too many Mother's Day being that miserable cow! I have so much to relish in and be proud of! "Celebrate the person you’ve become not just in her absence, but because of it. Don’t just get through the day –- own it, for fuck’s sake. (Sorry, mom.)"

     Re-purposing.  The amazing articles just keep finding me. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/07/in-praise-of-women-who-give-all-the-f--ks_n_7234890.html.  If you are offended or put off by the F-word, this is not the article for you. In actuality, if you are offended by the F-word, the B-word, C U Next Tuesday and any or all words in that category, I am probably not for you! On we go.  Not giving a fuck.  I am so good at that.  I like to not give a fuck about people, place, and things.  I like to not give a fuck about the celeb-retard who popped out an 11 pound spawn and posts a nude selfie 22 minutes later ,with her flat stretch mark-less body!  I'd like to not give a fuck about Lupus and the other chronic invisible illnesses that effect mine and my families life.  I don't give a fuck if you don't like me. I'm not for everybody and that it really o.k. with me.  

    What I do want to give a fuck about is taking care of me.  I want to give a fuck about making time to run, get stronger and love my body when it feels healthy enough to do so.  I also will give a fuck about honoring Lupus and the other chronic illnesses that effect me. It is o.k. to stay in bed for a day(or four). To let myself heal and recover and not feel guilty about it. ( That's a lot of fucks to give. ) If I fail at giving a fuck with all of the other things there is one thing that I will stay true to.  I will give as much as I can to my family. Not just the biological ones or the ones I claim as mine.  But also the ones that I shut out, close off and keep at arms length. If we have shared a meal, had a drink, split a piece of gum or suffered in uncomfortable silence together, I will give a fuck about you.  As long as you return the favor.  "Give all the fucks you want. You'll be better for it."

     Reality.  I love reality, said no one ever.  I really don't want to spend May 11th melancholic and lonely mourning my mother.  I really don't want to dread every Mother's Day because the imminent looming of the anniversary of losing her is always there.  I really do not want to replay the phone, the night, the day or even the years following.  I really want people to understand chronic illness and the hell it plays on mental health.  I really don't want to be the one to explain to anybody how or why my mother is no longer here.  I really want to ask her, what the fuck, mom? Why? I really want to give up the guilt, the internal mental abuse I plague myself with. I really want a do-over.

   Reality bites.  I'm aware.  I am also going to share what I realized this weekend.  In reality, she has showed me, in her own,way all weekend that she knows. Whether I wanted to recognize it or not.  Friday while having HopCat for lunch, I had an Angry Cow (ha) burger while Little Red Corvette played.  Quickly followed up with Momma Said by Lenny Kravitz. Nice one!  Later when I was getting my mani/pedi a little girl sitting next to me noticed my Lupus pin. She told me about how her mommy had Lupus too.  Her mom came and sat next to me.  She showed me pictures of the edema in her legs that comes while she waits for her kidney transplant. She also is suffering from infertility issues too, since being diagnosed.  Little much mom, but I get your point.  Hanging with my mother shucking sister and laughing in sheer hysterics at Lip Sync battle.  Even with the Les Mis reference, it was much needed. Yesterday, when I thought I had hit the proverbial wall. I was ready to lose my shit and go hide under my covers.  I turned on the TV, to drown out noise, and Overboard was on.  As if that was needed, come on!  

     I dragged my ass out of the bed and came down to the land of the living.  I found the littles helping the hubs squeeze lemons for lemonade.  The middle was still doing laundry. The oldest was photo shopping Drake into our family picture ( I really am getting what I deserve with that one). The hubs gave me the atta-girl hug I needed and put me to work.  Meds have to be filled,lunches have to be made and Mother's Day to be celebrated. Amazing food, over flowing wine, the best company and a full heart.  The reality is that losing my mom sucks. I suck at grief. I suck at other people's grief even more. But I do this really well. I just want to do it to the best of my ability. I want to know that i'm doing o.k. and as long as I keep it together, I will notice when you point it out to me.

Take care of you....