Friday, June 12, 2015

Whole 30 Day 18 & the struggle is REALEST!

.....So real , that in the last 10 days I haven't been able to come up with a better blog title than that! Ewww. I hate redundancy, but really that is all I could come with .I have hit the proverbial wall of, blah! My disdain for redundant things is probably why I would have slapped the Pope this morning for something other than eggs! Imagine that, I wanted to have Greek yogurt and cardboardy tasting gluten free granola rather than eggs and bacon with sweet potato hash.  That my friends is where the light came on. If I were in a cartoon the bubble over my head when have been a beacon beaming light as I realized that I have a fucked up relationship with food, sugar and alcohol!

     ( in the voice of the guy that says_____days later on Spongebob ) 4 days earlier.  Late Tuesday afternoon / early evening, I completely melt down on the Hubs.  I have a very small recollection of what it was about, but really I was mostly pissed cause he was able to nap ( when ever or where ever. Freak!) and he was eating an oatmeal cookie. I went into complete helpless female cry about how hard this was! Ugly cry, unavoidable, and no explanation would come out but, " You don't know how hard this is!".  I was crying about food and drinking.  Unreal!

      ( in the voice of the guy that says_____days later on Spongebob ) 3 days earlier.  I'm sitting in The Children's Hospital waiting room.  The older of the middles was having an upper GI scope.  He has Chron's.  This was a check up to see if we need a more evasive medication because he had been having some issues.  He was back in the OR and I was feverishly texting with the Hubs & the oldest.  Thoroughly annoyed & ready to be done with all 18 years of my oldest. I'm eating my banana , sipping on my lemon water and crying, again!  I'm sitting in this room with complete strangers, tears streaming, fingers typing a million miles a minute and the entire time I'm glaring at this woman next to the vending machine.  She was snoozing against the vending machine with a Coke and a Subway meal deal jammed in her hospital issued bag.  I totally wanted to steal it & rock in the fetal position after I smashed it in 3 minutes flat!  I haven't had a Coke in years and I haven't eaten yoga mat Subway bread or their slimy lunch meat, in even longer.  I am completely losing my fucking mind!

( in the voice of the guy that says_____days later on Spongebob ) Later that Day.   Scope went swell. He is healing nicely.  Yeah! Score one for the home team! Life and evening will go on as planned!  8th Grade Honors night will go with out any interruption.  Until, I happened.  My oldest middle is most classically known as the smartest dumb kid you would know.  He is book smart but pushes on a door that says pull.  He is strong and handsome but also not very proficient with his social skills.  At the juice and cookies portion of the 8th grade super-drama (thanks to me) he is with his crush and her family. I'm standing alone, not having cookies or juice, crushing my water bottle and yearning for the gum out of Lu's mouth. ( she is my bff it would have been ok) I suddenly decide it's all about me and how I'm alone and being ignored by my son on HIS night ( not mine).  I teary eyed storm off with a , "I'm going to the car".  He is baffled.  I drive with him to where we are to have his celebration dinner.  I'm crying again.  I turn up the radio at an attempt to stop the nonsensical behavior, that I have taken on as my norm.  He turns down the radio and asks what's wrong.  He feels awful. He is confused. He is asking the Hubs and the Oldest what the hell is wrong with me.  They are all ready to call the White coats and the wagon to come get me.  Dinner ruined. Mom sucks. Life goes on.

( in the voice of the guy that says_____days later on Spongebob ) Present Day.  The oldest middle left this morning for a 10 day vacay to Texas.  I get up , give him his meds & shot , hug and good-bye.  My chest is so tight and I'm so agitated.  All I can think about is yogurt. Yogurt & granola. Yogurt, gluten free granola, & cheese. Yogurt,gluten free granola, cheese & wine! I must eat all the cheese and drink all the wine.  Then I will feel better. Ding! There it is.  There is my light bulb moment.  Ladies and gentlemen, I suck at grieving. I suck at other peoples grieving.  I have little control over how I feel and what to do when my emotions are out of control.  I immediately think of what I can eat & drink or cook & serve to make me and everybody else feel better.  I didn't even need an intervention or Dr.Phil to figure that shit out.  I will how ever be paying out the nose in family therapy for those that have to live with me while I figure this out!

Take care of you............

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