Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The People on the Bus

* Disclaimer* this is a longer than usual blog.  It also is not as funny or light as usual! However, it still does contain as much foul language as usual, maybe a little less. You won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it, but if you do, feel free to share it! I promise more smart ass humor and nonsense soon!  

 Sweet baby Jesus, that didn't take long.  I made it a whopping 6 days into 40 and already feel like I'm having an existential life crisis!  I mean that with sarcasm and a tinge of question. ( I'm making sure my tone is coming across) I'm really not sure if I'm driving the struggle bus or I'm just a passenger.  That probably sounds vague and melodramatic. It is but it isn't.  I'll explain.

     When you're a passenger on the Struggle Bus, you can get on and off any time.  You usually pick your reasons for getting on, where you are going, who you are going with and when you'll get off.  What I mean by all these catchy metaphors is this.  Hiding out in my witch cave, for days at a time, eating everything or nothing, watching Wives with Knives , scrolling between social media apps and pinning all the motivational quotes and healthy food choices, is me being a passenger.  I bitch and moan to my few select textual partners about what a slug I feel like and how I'm going to end up on My 600lb life.  But I do it to myself, for the most part.  I jumped on the bus to miserable cow pastures, MOO...... and I have to get off.  Most of the time it's an easy look in the mirror and a WTF moment.  I take a shower pull it together! Back in the fast lane, jump in my grocery-getter to drop the kids off at one sport or another with my coffee in hand as I head out for a full day of mom-wife-boss life.  Singing off key and thinking to myself that I really feel better today. Keep on, keeping on with your bad ass!

     When your the driver of the Struggle Bus only thing  you  have control of is the radio. And let me tell you, even that is enough to make you want to put you head in the oven.  It doesn't happen often but when it does it's a horrendous shit show (think Speed 2) !  Every single ass hat you know and everything they have ever said, done or implied they might do is pulling you under.  Every time your feelings, emotions, time and self worth has been misused or ignored creeps back into the fore front of your brain.  You can't bring your self to kick any of these people, places or things off your bus even though you don't want them there! It's like your foot is glued to the pedal and you are about to have your solo version of Thelma & Louise.  Hope, hope is the only thing that you can do.  Hope that before you plummet over the edge, you run out of gas.

     Reading back over that I realize, it's kind of corny.  I wonder, does it come across as a plea for sympathizers or empathizers?  I think, why does any of this even matter?  It is corny.  It is in no way a plea for anything.  And most importantly, it does matter.  It matters because "I'm so lucky".  Because, "I have no idea what it's like".  Because, "Kevin is the best".  Because "your kids are so good".  Some days all those things are true but most days maybe half of one of those things might ne in the realm of  true.  Even though I'm not a destitute half wit who's husband beats her and kids are on drugs, doesn't mean things are peachy keen all the time.  Most people only give you half of what they want you to know and none of the ugly truth.  I just happen to be able to be the teller of unpopular truths and sharing it all with God & country. ( My sweep under the rug, vanilla  WASPY hubs love this about me, also read in sarcastic tone!)

     Now that I pontificated and spilled my bus metaphor for depression all over the interwebs, I'll over share some more!  I have literally gained back almost all of the weight I lost and am back on a few of the meds I went off.  It sucks.   But I'm owning it.  After talking with a guru & much investigating I'm working the Plexus program into my Paleo/Whole 30lite/ Get Hot for Sam Hunt regimen. The referral is being sent to the Lupus Clinic at UoM.  Hopefully they will accept me, even if I bleed green!   Also, resuscitating my running goddess is happening.  There is a Run For The Manatees race in May! If they can run, so can I!  I also have to give a huge shout out to my Food of Love For Your Soul partners and people I feed. 

     Even though I have peaks and valleys, I have an enormous support team and cheerleaders.  Most of the time it's me getting in the way of myself.  It has taken me time, now that I'm 40 and wise, to just let things heal.  A wise man said something to me the other day, he said, " like you tell everybody else, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF  Erin! Take Care of you too." That's what's happening!  I also have to give a huge shout out to my Food of Love For Your Soul partners and people I feed.  Nothing has made me happier than the amazing feed back of ways I have helped women & their families! Spending Sunday with the people I love the most is also a huge bonus!

Take Care of You......

1 comment:

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