Sunday, April 28, 2013

Sunday Funday

     Sunday Funday used to be a lot more fun, but not so much anymore! Meds day moved to Sunday...Boo! Used to be after the "chore whore" part of the day was done, Sunday turned into my double fisting bloody Mary's and sports watching all day. Those days are damn near nil. I'm a sad girl. But apparently, it's the wiser, grown up, healthy Lupus patient, momma, wife, and queen bitch thing to do. Instead, I'm delegating my chores to the spawn!

     I'm making a list and checking it twice but these boys ( even the wee one) will be playing the role I usually do. The more I think about it, I'm feeling less guilty for treating them like help. They don't mind treating me that way!  I am one person. I am the only female person. I make one set of dishes and generally don't make a lot of laundry(jammers and yoga pants are maybe one load). I never pee on the seat and I don't play baseball. So, there should be no reason I clean up all their mess today! They can do it!

    I did exactly what the hubs said "Get out of the kitchen Erin and Go to bed"! I left the list of chores for the boys and the grocery list for the hubs. He's a better shopper than me anyway. I over spend. I blame it on brain fog but I just really over buy. I've taken my meds and getting comfy in my "dungeon of darkness" to watch creepy criminal investigations. I'm hell bent on not getting involved in the screaming and bitching I can hear the boys doing. It will get done. It will be better for everybody and hopefully if all things go well, I'll feel good enough later for  the hub's homemade chicken parmesan and a glass of red wine!

Take Care of You

Friday, April 26, 2013

Is Spring actually Sprung?

     Finally, a day with out rain! Dare I say ( or type) it out loud! It felt like the sun was never going to come out and stay out! And it has, the whole damn day! Naturally, I've spent the day lying in my bed watching crime shows and surfing the web. I'm recovering from a dinner out and a few beers with the hubs. I guess it's hard to remember that feeling good for part of a day doesn't mean I'm in remission or even some sort of resemblance of a healthy person. It means, I'm just having a good day!

     My good day yesterday has actually only had me taking it easy. I don't feel like I've been rode hard and hung up wet like I usually do. I actually spent a majority of my day looking up how I'm going to get my ass back on the road to preparing for the 1/2 marathon in October. Monday is my official re-start day. I'm a little nervous but I'll be damned if I can't do it. I was a runner before and I will be a runner again. Lupus can suck it. Running makes me happy and its cheaper than therapy!

    The other part of my day I spent bookmarking and saving pictures of all the things I "need" for Spring to help keep my promise to myself to get out of my jammers more often.  I decided that this needed to become a #1 priority when my wee man (Ayden 5) points out that "he never sees me like this" and was referring to me up in the morning, sitting at the table with the family. It also became painfully clear that I had issues when I was like a kid on Christmas morning when I was buying new bedding. Seriously, linens should not make me as excited at they did.

     In order to get reacquainted with the outside world I decided a new Coach wristlet would be needed. Also the new Coach aviator shades are a must. I am going to need a couple new pair of cute running around shoes since my other shoes will actually be used for running! I think I probably am going to have to pick up a few new pair of capris and light sweat shirts as well since my daily wardrobe now consists of flannel pants and the hubs white t-shirts! Oh and I forgot, going back to a lighter shade of blonde on Tuesday because that always makes me feel better!

     Can't wait to share all this with Kev (the hubs)! I'm sure he'll just be thrilled to hear all the thinking I've been doing today and how much its going to cost him! Bwahahaha!

Take Care of You

P.S. Please keep positive thoughts for me. Daisy(11 month hard headed moronic Mastiff I rescued)and I have our first puppy class tonight!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Losing it....

     Occasionally  there will be posts like this, the kind of post that isn't funny or cheeky. I don't like this side of me and I sure don't like sharing this side of me. But if I'm going to keep it real and honest, this blog is going to have to show the good, bad, and ugly of me.

     I had to cancel lunch and massage with my best friend, and it was on her! It killed me.  I'm sure there is the assumption that a massage would make me feel better. Well, that would be a big fat NO! The idea of someone touching me and rubbing my joints would be just too much pain for me to even explain. So I couldn't go. My bff understood. She always understands. This is obviously not the first time I've had to cancel on her and I'm sure it won't be the last. I guilt myself to death over it until she tells me to shut up ,medicate,  and  go to bed. That is what I did. And then the phone rings......

     I generally just turn it off when I feel like this because I'm not good with the public when I feel like this but for whatever reason I didn't today.  It was the doc's office. Dread! Dr.C was calling to go over my blood work, which means something wonky is going on. Immediately I hear Charlie Brown's teacher as she goes through the list of things that are fine. I'm tuning her out until I hear the problems. She gets to that part. Tells me that my white blood count is elevated for the second time in two months and to see my rhuemmy  about it, the end. WTF? Thanks for your hospitality and fabulous bedside manner as you push me off on another doctor because you have no idea what's going on. Excuse me that I am not a standard patient you can push a script at and I'll go away!

     The weather alone is enough to make me feel like poo and let the depression seep into my thoughts. It's so much more than that today though.  I hate feeling like I'm losing it or on the cusp of losing it. Sometimes it's my sanity. Sometimes it's my temper. Sometimes it's my lunch. Those things I can get back. I can not get back the time I've spent in bed, the time wasted being turfed back and forth between docs, and the time feeling afraid that me being sick is too much for the people in my life. This is not  my choice.

      I'm so thankful that I've finally weeded out, some my decision and some theirs, the people who don't want to see this side of me. The people who don't realize that cancelling plans and not following through are not my M.O. I want to be the me everybody needs but unfortunately that isn't the case anymore. For right now, the is the new me. Love it or leave it. Those that are sticking with me through these times are priceless and I'm so grateful. It's meds time and a nap. Hopefully this sappy crap will wear off!

Take Care of You

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Fake it til you Make it

     Today's "me" will be played by a seemingly normal version of my self. This is one of the few blessings of having an "invisible illness". I can attempt to do everything I want to do and nobody is the wiser. This is why disease poseurs, self-diagnosers, and all who claim to be DYING from their latest daily discomfort I'd like to tell them to "shut the f*ck up"!

     If you have it in you to update  your favorite form of social media(s) outlet(s) you probably will survive to re-update later or at least share tomorrow how you either are even more miserable or how you are miraculously cured thanks to benefits of modern medicine! You people make me want to walk on your carpet in dog shit covered shoes. I'd like to give you at least something to really be irritable about!

     I'm reeling with venomous sputtering's of things I'd like to say to people who feel like they are suffering and have "death's door knocking" problems. Cramps do not count! It's once a month! You will survive. Allergy's are annoying! But they are seasonal, it's going to go away! Joint pains because you are a weekend warrior are your own fault! Take Motrin and get out more often! Insomnia is not one or a few nights bad sleep. If a melatonin or Benadryl will get you back on track, you are NOT an insomniac!

     And the list goes on and on, and yes this is probably coming across as "Super Lupus Bitch" but that's kind of how I'm feeling this morning! Until your friends and family have coined your weekly  methotextrate vomming as sounding like someone is "murdering a velociraptor", you aren't dying.

    You aren't really having joint and muscle pain until you've actually texted your husband about purchasing Depends. Yes, I am admitting that I had a fleeting thought last week that I was in so much pain too walk to the bathroom and my meds had me in the bathroom so often that it might just be easier to resign to the old lady diapers! I've been there, more times than once, so I'm pretty sure you will survive your cramps!

     Allergies are annoying, no doubt about it, but you have seasons. You can at least predict when it's coming!  I'd like to be able to know when I was going to get hives, rashes, shingles, blotchiness, or whatever other lovely hot ass mess I wake up to that has me looking for my Phantom of the Opera Mask. So please enjoy  the pharmaceutical candy store provided to you for your seasonal discomfort. It will be over in a few weeks. I get the luxury of upping my steroid doses which render me looking much like Humpty Dumpty!

     Ok, there, I feel better. I'm sure I've offended at least someone. Get over it! Because I'm sure you have irritated me one time or another when you assume that you understand what I'm going through!
Today though I will do all the things I need to do and pretend that none of it is too hard because of my Lupus. One of which I am certain will make for a hilarious story later, taking Daisy, Dozer, and Ayden to the vet solo. Yep, that's 250lb of mastiffs and a 5 year old!

Take Care of You

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Losing my "blogging virginity"...

     Timid, shy, and nervous. Absolutely, not me. I'm more of a jump in, react, raise hell and suffer the consequences later, possibly how I ended up with four sons & 2 monster dogs, but anyways. For some reason, even with a lot of encouragement, I have been leery to blog.  After an absolute shit day at the rheumatologist and a lengthy rant on Facebook I decided, enough. I need to get this off my chest. I need to share the lovely and not-so-lovely aspects of me, my family, my life, and my journey with Lupus.

     I figure there is a bio part to this blog thing somewhere so I will look for that before I go into a lengthy stint about my "stats". If you don't know me, imagine I'm a Charlize Theron doppelganger. That is until you figure out that I'm absolutely nothing like her. Don't be disappointed. I'm certain she is seriously not nearly as funny as me and I can out drink her for sure. Even if she does have the perfect body and millions of dollars. You can learn to love me too.

    Every part of my life revolves around Lupus. Lupus has been one bitch of an illness to adapt to and even bigger one to try to explain to others. I have learned more in the last year about Lupus than I have since being diagnosed, 6 years ago. Excepting you have a chronic illness helps with managing your care, just saying. YOLO, is not really a way of life to live for a mid-west momma who's auto-immune system is a dirty bastard. Let's just say, I never hit rock bottom, per se,  but there were serious points where life was like walking through a field of legos!

     Managing my meds, actually seeing a rheumatologist, educating myself, sharing it with everyone, and attempting to treat myself better is where I am at now with this Lupus thing. And in doing that, I'm going to let all of God and country who stumbles upon this blog get to see the high's and low's of it! I'm excited to have gotten the "first time" out of the way. I'm not nearly as sweaty and naughty feeling as I thought I would (hahahaha).

Take Care Of You

*Disclaimer* I really do intend on keeping this as real and raw as my life and me. There will probably be posts that may not be for the faint of heart or eyes. My husband may even disown me at certain points. I will consider "changing names" to help save identities but don't count on it. You suckers asked for this so now you must deal with it as I take over the world. Bwahahaha!