Monday, March 21, 2016

13.1 is not half of anything......

      I'm not holding back, if one person, EVER says to me, you just ran the half? or you only ran the half? I'm going to give whom ever that is the swiftest taco kick,no matter race, creed, sex or age.  I will be an equal opportunity crotch punter if running 13.1 miles is some how made to feel like the "ugly sister" of a race.  Because in my life, that bitch is the best, hardest thing I've ever done and I can't wait to do, next to child birth!  And we had to medically intervene to stop me from repeating that anymore than 4 times! Needless to say, I'm hooked! But it wasn't love at first mile.

     I was so nervous the few days leading up to the race. My training got wonky due to pneumonia & Lupus making a lovely appearance for no reason.  It was ravaging not just my training but my mental game plan.  I had myself psyched up, freaked out, rocking in the fetal position and reaching out for a life line! Cheese & Rice, thank you for the divine intervention of my running friends at MRTT.  Between the high priestess of all things positive and reaffirming & my Fit Chick Food lovie who is a bad ass, I felt like I wasn't going to die.  I also had some pretty good motivation/distractions & my hugely supportive running wifey! I am going to kick this races ass right after I do all the things I have to do to make sure that if I do die, the kids will have clean under wear for a week and everybody will be good on probiotics & multivitamins!

     Packets picked up, race clothes laid out, running game plan mapped out, alarms set, life will go on in the case of my demise for at least a week, and the hubs is making me the best possible Gluten Free Carb loaded protein packed meal.  Now, I'm left to take the advice of the  leader of the MRTT pack (aka high priestess of my running sanity) and dedicate each mile to someone . To stay focused. OK. I can do that. I haven't wrote in my journal in a while. Kill two birds with one stone. Fucking nightmare. Crying through journal entry. Nice!  Designating the miles, damn near hysterical! This is just perfect.  I love feeling all these feelings!
NO, NOT EVER. So, here is the list. My blurb behind why & what really happened!

      *this is long, sappy, foul mouthed, gross and not for everybody YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED*

      1. Drew Scott -why: my first love,learning experience,heart break &saving grace
                              really: these people are going to run me off this pot holey ass road
      2. Carter Joseph- why: hes overcome so much. so can I.
                              really: it's so windy. I can't stop coughing. I may puke!
      3. Brady Robert- why: my  5k running heart of gold who saved my life
                              really: I almost puked on that chick, maybe will get off my ass now!
      4. Ayden Randall-why: the final piece of my puzzle & my favorite miles to run
                               really: holy shit 4 miles! I'm killing this.
      5. Noah Walker- why: I'm his NerNer. He's my Noey. I'm so happy to have him here in MI
                               really: It is not cold anymore. I'm thirsty. My wifey's choice in energy food...ewwww
      6. My Sister -      why: This is my farthest race I've ever run & she is the one I know will be there no                                                matter how far I go.
                               really: Hell yes! Half way! (until the cop at the mile marker say "just let you ladies know                                          the first person has finished", Fuck that guy!)
      7. Squad-           why: there are so many awesome women & men in my life that have supported me                                               when I have been sick,healthy, running, not running, fat,skinny, miserable, happy!                                           Seven is lucky and I'm very lucky!
                                 really: it's getting really cold again and I'm cramping up. WTF is this pain...I'm                                                         done...I'm texting Kevin.
      8.Dad & Judy-  why:  So glad that love is us getting passed 8 years of stubborn. Happy that's all over!
                               really: The hubs & the boys surprised me. I cry. Can't quit now. I call on my inner                                                    Eminem, "I'm gonna turn around with a great smile, and walk my white ass back                                            across 8 mile.....
     9.Ray & Chris- why: more like my big brother and sister than uncle & aunt. Best family & friends ever.
                              really: If my running wife tries to feed me one more nasty jelly bean i'm going to stab her!
    10&11. Kevin- why: the "hubs" for eleventy million things. Because we never know how long we have                                          been married. Because he is my best friend and spoils me rotten. Because he knew if                                    I made it this far I was never backing down. Mostly because he put up with all ME                                        every damn day!
                            really: this is the farthest I have ever run. I can just be ok with quitting. Its still an                                                    accomplishment. But damn it! Those kids are at this mile too. And then, the airplane                                      hanger with the music and the cute boys in the white Lamborghini. Fuck......I                                                CAN'T QUIT!
   12. Laura Miller-why: I don't people. But when you meet someone and instantly it's love at first sight! You                                      hold on tight.  We became family fast and I can't stand going days with out seeing                                          her face. Running, lifting, laughing, steaming, drinking, fowling, eating, pedis,....I                                            could
go on for ever. She is amazing!
                            really: uphill in the wind, or at least if feels like it, plus I'm carrying a dead body. I swear to                                      Jeebus Crust! Oh no, that's my frozen thunder thighs. I'm just more of a 10k runner,                                      this is stupid.
13. my mother-    why: I've wrapped a lot of the last 13 years trying to heal from losing you. It will happen.                                      You always loved to watch me run. Well, I'm running now!
                            really:We made it! Are you kidding me? I didn't die? I'm going to hug Laura so hard she                                        pukes. I can't wait to sit down. I hope I can stand back up. I wonder if there is a                                          half I can do in June?
   .1 the rest of you- why: if you have given me bullshit, hid bullshit, tried to sell me bullshit, lied to me about                                          your bullshit, included me in your bullshit, or just quit me over some bullshit. I've let                                        it go. I don't give a single fuck about you or any of it any more. I left all of it in that                                        one .1 mile. Be happy,be miserable, just be something other than trying to steal my                                        joy. Because I left all of it right there.
                              really: TRUE STORY

Take Care of You.......

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

You Got to Know When To Hold Em

   I have officially been 39, for a 2 weeks and one day. That is all.  Two weeks and one day into my year of being a bad ass and I already am questioning everything. Literally, EVERY-MOTHERFUCKING-THING!  I feel less prepared for life than I ever have.   And let's just call a spade a spade, I have some pretty questionable life moments that lacked preparation, i.e  pregnancy (x4), committing to being a blonde, tattoos,and so on and so on..... In general I don't care if I'm making the "right" decision or think things all the way through.  I follow my gut and play out the hand I'm dealt.  I'm a "live and die" on the river kind of girl, always waiting to see what is the last card the dealer will flip up to make or break my hand.  How's that working for me? I can't complain for the most part. But I'll be damned if the last two weeks haven't been a real test of my poker face.

     This last week especially.  Holy hell, who do I have to screw to catch a break in the health department!  Endocrinologist, "It's not a tumor". Great, I'm not going to die.  However, there is no other real explanation for why I run like a Kenyan, all be it a slow one, eat Paleo(ish) and stick to my meds (most of the time) that I should not be feeling better, losing weight and have the energy of a teenager.  Well isn't that a gem!  Even better, there is a medicine I could try, to fix that but insurance won't cover it! Yeah! Thanks for nothing. And on to the next one.  Family Practice DO, "you sound like hell!".  No kidding.  Two days after I asked the Endocrinologist to listen to my chest, that he said was clear, I have pneumonia.  Pneumonia, sinusitis, and a shot of Rocephin for good measure.  Yeah me! Nothing like a healthy does of herpasyphagonilitis to make you feel like 39 is the new 80!  Unless you spend any time with your kids and go to a doctor, then you will feel worse.

     All jacked up on antibiotics and steroids with the oldest and I get to go for our eye exams.  We both need new glasses, thanks to the dog and it's been a year or so.  Driving out there is fun enough just listening to the difference between him at 19 and me at 19.  I was a mother. He doesn't know how to do anything without his mother.  I was married.  He never wants to be married.  It's all a fun forced family experience until the lady says bifocals. What the ? For who? Oh, um, no? I'm 39. I'm not wearing no damn bi-focals.  Hysterics from the oldest as I except that not only am I old but also medications & Lupus have degraded my eyes.  Bifocals for this beotch! Whiny and whipped I except my age & the things I can not change. Its going to get better.  I get to go hang out with an old friend for my yearly contribution to the food service industry at the Lenten fish fry!

     There are certain things that can not lie.  One of them is my face.  It is all telling.  There is absolutely no way in hell that when a 15 year old table clearer, working community service, gives me sass about what her "job" is  that my face didn't read " I will not hesitate to mop the floor with your face" even before the words came out of my mouth!  Or when the nice young lady ordered the black bean burger and requested that it be cooked on a surface where "no flesh had ever touched", I'm sure my face said " you have got to be fucking kidding me. This is the Knight of Columbus.  Every surface has had flesh on it! This is a fish fry!".   The topper on the cake of the night however was, super cute hipster.  He wanted a wheat & gluten free vodka.  Not because he has Celiac's.  He has an allergy to "something to do with wheat".  He didn't want to go over the top with his drink and the beer battered fish.  I know my face said, " You're getting Mohawk vodka & I'm charging you for Chopin because people like you make my life a living hell".  I bit my tongue til it bled.  I made it out alive and so did everybody else.

      I promptly left as soon as the oil was cooled and drove straight to the corner bar.  I ordered a cheeseburger medium rare with crispy fries. Pray for my non-practicing Catholic soul . I had two gluten laden cold ass beers and a fabulous lemon drop.  My belly hurt the next day.  This is exactly why I question my ability to make good decisions as a 39 year old woman! I'm sure I will continue to make questionable decisions.  Maybe I will be more conscious of it.   Yes, that is it.  I won't throw the whole year out the window after two weeks and 1 day.  So, I've had to start wearing bifocals. I have more face creams than letters in my name. I concentrate harder when I cough and sneeze. I bought a sewing machine because i figured I need to learn at my age. I have to take a few more medicines and probably need to control my impulses a bit.  However, the cheeseburger was great. Cold beer is my Achilles heel. The lemon drop was worth it.  Closing the bar on a Sunday sometimes needs to be done. And sewing could be cool.

Take Care of You