Tuesday, April 19, 2016

When the other shoe drops....

     A year. An entire fucking year I went with out this, With out that nasty monkey on my back.  I have spent  365 days working on being a whole person again.  Not just a barely breathing waste of space rotting away in my cave.  Living vicariously through social media posts of my children.  Seeing them thrive through texts and iPhone pictures from my husband,family and friends.  I wanted all that behind me.  I wanted to be the daughter, sister, friend, wife and mostly mother I knew was inside of me.  I was letting Lupus and depression kill that in me.  I swore I had it.  I thought I figured my way out of the woods. I put a combination of things together to fix me. And I was winning.  So, why? Why does the other shoe always seem to drop for me?

     A little over 2 weeks ago I was in the Florida sun, playing in some vicious ocean waves with the love of my life, my dad, and my boys ( except for the oldest child who is always slighted).  I stood there for a what felt like an eternity and thought, I never could have done this last year.  Hell, if I'm being a hundred percent honest I wasn't sure I wanted to be alive this time last year.  I felt like such a burden. I had thought on more than one occasion that they all deserved a better me.  As I stopped for just a minute a heard them so happy. It brought a small happy sappy tear to my eye and we went back to playing.  I would swim out a little farther than them and my littles would yell out " not too far momma" or "it's gonna be a big wave momma be careful".  I smiled inside and would swim back to them because it felt amazing just to be doing. Not sitting on the side lines or watching.  They were getting a better me.  All good things come to end & that shoe does drop. I just can't understand why.

     I did my Whole 30. I eat gluten free and keep as close to Paleo as possible.  I have maintained running and even exceeded some of my own goals with that.  I've learned that cutting out toxic isn't just food & drink but people too.  I've done that.  I have stepped away from and cut out people that were just not good for me. I'm working on all those things I'm supposed to be, to keep me healing and my health in check.  So, what now? What witch doctor or voodoo priestess is going to help me figure this out, because I feel like I'm on the magic carpet ride back to hell.

   Already had to cancel plans last weekend. I love it when Lupus screws up my social life!  Even after I went into the Rheumy for some treatment.  No real relief there.  Back to taking my shot that supposed to help with inflammation.  It hurts like a son of a bitch and makes me feel like a zombie.  I haven't ran and I can't eat.  I opted to blog through tear filled eyes as I hear my oldest making dinner for his brothers and getting their lunches ready.  I can only write about it to remind myself that this will get better and I'm not going back down that rabbit hole.  It gives me some accountability if nothing else.
     There are gardens to be tilled. Flowers & veggies to be planted. Baseball for the little boys and football camp for the big boy.  Lake trips, boat rides, and family visits.  The oldest is home for the the summer to drive me crazy. I have races to run with friends and celebratory beers to drink in the sun, This to shall pass. It has to.  First step, journal, pull my shit together, quit my crying, make my running program & my Whole 30 menu. Second step, picking my start date and dragging you all along for the ride.

Take care of you.....