.....So real , that in the last 10 days I haven't been able to come up with a better blog title than that! Ewww. I hate redundancy, but really that is all I could come with .I have hit the proverbial wall of, blah! My disdain for redundant things is probably why I would have slapped the Pope this morning for something other than eggs! Imagine that, I wanted to have Greek yogurt and cardboardy tasting gluten free granola rather than eggs and bacon with sweet potato hash. That my friends is where the light came on. If I were in a cartoon the bubble over my head when have been a beacon beaming light as I realized that I have a fucked up relationship with food, sugar and alcohol!
( in the voice of the guy that says_____days later on Spongebob ) 4 days earlier. Late Tuesday afternoon / early evening, I completely melt down on the Hubs. I have a very small recollection of what it was about, but really I was mostly pissed cause he was able to nap ( when ever or where ever. Freak!) and he was eating an oatmeal cookie. I went into complete helpless female cry about how hard this was! Ugly cry, unavoidable, and no explanation would come out but, " You don't know how hard this is!". I was crying about food and drinking. Unreal!
( in the voice of the guy that says_____days later on Spongebob ) 3 days earlier. I'm sitting in The Children's Hospital waiting room. The older of the middles was having an upper GI scope. He has Chron's. This was a check up to see if we need a more evasive medication because he had been having some issues. He was back in the OR and I was feverishly texting with the Hubs & the oldest. Thoroughly annoyed & ready to be done with all 18 years of my oldest. I'm eating my banana , sipping on my lemon water and crying, again! I'm sitting in this room with complete strangers, tears streaming, fingers typing a million miles a minute and the entire time I'm glaring at this woman next to the vending machine. She was snoozing against the vending machine with a Coke and a Subway meal deal jammed in her hospital issued bag. I totally wanted to steal it & rock in the fetal position after I smashed it in 3 minutes flat! I haven't had a Coke in years and I haven't eaten yoga mat Subway bread or their slimy lunch meat, in even longer. I am completely losing my fucking mind!
( in the voice of the guy that says_____days later on Spongebob ) Later that Day. Scope went swell. He is healing nicely. Yeah! Score one for the home team! Life and evening will go on as planned! 8th Grade Honors night will go with out any interruption. Until, I happened. My oldest middle is most classically known as the smartest dumb kid you would know. He is book smart but pushes on a door that says pull. He is strong and handsome but also not very proficient with his social skills. At the juice and cookies portion of the 8th grade super-drama (thanks to me) he is with his crush and her family. I'm standing alone, not having cookies or juice, crushing my water bottle and yearning for the gum out of Lu's mouth. ( she is my bff it would have been ok) I suddenly decide it's all about me and how I'm alone and being ignored by my son on HIS night ( not mine). I teary eyed storm off with a , "I'm going to the car". He is baffled. I drive with him to where we are to have his celebration dinner. I'm crying again. I turn up the radio at an attempt to stop the nonsensical behavior, that I have taken on as my norm. He turns down the radio and asks what's wrong. He feels awful. He is confused. He is asking the Hubs and the Oldest what the hell is wrong with me. They are all ready to call the White coats and the wagon to come get me. Dinner ruined. Mom sucks. Life goes on.
( in the voice of the guy that says_____days later on Spongebob ) Present Day. The oldest middle left this morning for a 10 day vacay to Texas. I get up , give him his meds & shot , hug and good-bye. My chest is so tight and I'm so agitated. All I can think about is yogurt. Yogurt & granola. Yogurt, gluten free granola, & cheese. Yogurt,gluten free granola, cheese & wine! I must eat all the cheese and drink all the wine. Then I will feel better. Ding! There it is. There is my light bulb moment. Ladies and gentlemen, I suck at grieving. I suck at other peoples grieving. I have little control over how I feel and what to do when my emotions are out of control. I immediately think of what I can eat & drink or cook & serve to make me and everybody else feel better. I didn't even need an intervention or Dr.Phil to figure that shit out. I will how ever be paying out the nose in family therapy for those that have to live with me while I figure this out!
Take care of you............
Friday, June 12, 2015
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
8 days in and the struggle is real!
It's the second day of June and the Whole 30 struggle is real! I am officially half way through my eighth day and I want to kill something or eat all the things! My resting bitch face has become my permanent expression for the entire day. Nobody gets me. I'm misunderstood. The kids are laughing too loud. I want to stab the hubs for clicking the mouse to much. It's infuriating the way that the "middle" has to walk around with ear buds all the time. Why do the dogs smell so much, like dogs? Yes! This is the status of my mental well being at this moment. I would give my oldest away for a piece of cheese and a glass of Cabernet. ( I'd actually just give him away for nothing, Just as secure no return policy.)
That is a little dramatic and highly exaggerated, but it is some of the down side to the Whole 30. I am definitely detoxing. I am definitely moody and edgy! I am definitely ready to get sized up for my prison orange coveralls. But that is just today! There is the upside to this. The last 8 days have not been like this at all. Other than a slight headache on and off since I started, I have felt amazing! I have had more energy. I've been able to enjoy my runs again. I'm sleeping like a teenager ( like all the time). I am enjoying some of the most amazing foods and drinking all the water I need. My joints don't ache. My heart is not palpitating. I'm not nearly as swollen. My Celiacs isn't flaring up. My skin is brighter. In general, this is the best I have felt in more than two years. And that my friends scares the absolute life out of me.
When you live with Lupus and other auto-immune diseases it is terrifying when you feel good. I start to question everything and wait with anticipation for the other shoe to drop. I try to be cautious with my spike in energy because I am afraid of over doing it and putting my self in a flare. I pay way to much attention to the good sore that comes with increasing my workouts. Constantly wondering is this the beginning of days of pain filled sleepless nights. It is scary to feel good. The saving grace to this is my amazing cast of characters that support me and keep me in touch with reality!
My support system is one of a kind and my biggest blessing. It ranges from my amazing hubs and family, to my girlfriends who always know when to talk me out of my crazy! With out all of them I'd be a Whole 30 drop out and mad at myself, for sure! Although, it would be nice if someone accidentally slipped a little vino in my water bottle! I received a Get Well soon card from the Merchants of Vino. Their store has seen a drastic dip in profits the last week and they assumed I was ill! I kid! I kid!
I have been taking pictures of some of the amazing food that the hubs and I have been making. I will share them with you and if you are interested in recipes just give me a shout out! This journey isn't easy and the struggle is real! But I have a feeling that the end results are going to be worth it all!
Take care of you....
That is a little dramatic and highly exaggerated, but it is some of the down side to the Whole 30. I am definitely detoxing. I am definitely moody and edgy! I am definitely ready to get sized up for my prison orange coveralls. But that is just today! There is the upside to this. The last 8 days have not been like this at all. Other than a slight headache on and off since I started, I have felt amazing! I have had more energy. I've been able to enjoy my runs again. I'm sleeping like a teenager ( like all the time). I am enjoying some of the most amazing foods and drinking all the water I need. My joints don't ache. My heart is not palpitating. I'm not nearly as swollen. My Celiacs isn't flaring up. My skin is brighter. In general, this is the best I have felt in more than two years. And that my friends scares the absolute life out of me.
When you live with Lupus and other auto-immune diseases it is terrifying when you feel good. I start to question everything and wait with anticipation for the other shoe to drop. I try to be cautious with my spike in energy because I am afraid of over doing it and putting my self in a flare. I pay way to much attention to the good sore that comes with increasing my workouts. Constantly wondering is this the beginning of days of pain filled sleepless nights. It is scary to feel good. The saving grace to this is my amazing cast of characters that support me and keep me in touch with reality!
My support system is one of a kind and my biggest blessing. It ranges from my amazing hubs and family, to my girlfriends who always know when to talk me out of my crazy! With out all of them I'd be a Whole 30 drop out and mad at myself, for sure! Although, it would be nice if someone accidentally slipped a little vino in my water bottle! I received a Get Well soon card from the Merchants of Vino. Their store has seen a drastic dip in profits the last week and they assumed I was ill! I kid! I kid!
I have been taking pictures of some of the amazing food that the hubs and I have been making. I will share them with you and if you are interested in recipes just give me a shout out! This journey isn't easy and the struggle is real! But I have a feeling that the end results are going to be worth it all!
Take care of you....
Fajita Salad
Brick Chicken ,roasted potatoes & Greek-ish salad
Bolognese zucchini boats with tabbouleh
Chicken Salad
Roast Turkey Breast with root veggies & sweet potatoes
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Day 1 of the Whole 30.( No wine or cheese!)
The unofficial start to Summer is here! And so I have started the Whole 30. This is the land of no wine or cheese. Lots of other rules,too, but these are the ones that scare me the most. Today is day 1. I'm pretty excited and not nearly as nervous as I should be. It is only day one, though. I have 29 days left to regret publicly announcing this and hating the accountability! The idea of a system reset is truly the most intriguing part of this. I am on so many prescription medications for my auto-immune issues that there is nothing but positive outcomes that can come from this.
I'm going to try to blog every few days to share what I'm eating and how I'm feeling. Hopefully, I won't end up rocking in the fetal position begging for wine & cheese. If you see me doing this, send me home. Don't feed the crabby irrational cow in front of you wine and/or cheese. I'm sure I will thank you for it, at some point. This is how today shaped up....
Breakfast-2 eggs,(approved) sausage scrambled together. Tomatoes. Fruit.
Lunch-tuna salad with homemade mayo in a romaine lettuce boat. Fruit salad.
Dinner-roasted spaghetti squash with kale and sausage. Also made homemade ghee!
I'm totally full and have my meal plan for tomorrow. Tentatively, Kale, Squash & sausage leftovers with a sunny side up egg & fruit for breakfast. Sauerkraut , potatoes and sausage in the crock pot for lunch. Mexican for dinner, will be flank steak with chimchurri sauce and fajita style veggies!
I am sticking to just lemon water for now. I will probably have some tea before bed and make some unsweetened iced tea tomorrow. I can not even think about drinking black coffee, so I'll just let it go for now! Until next time!
I'm going to try to blog every few days to share what I'm eating and how I'm feeling. Hopefully, I won't end up rocking in the fetal position begging for wine & cheese. If you see me doing this, send me home. Don't feed the crabby irrational cow in front of you wine and/or cheese. I'm sure I will thank you for it, at some point. This is how today shaped up....
Breakfast-2 eggs,(approved) sausage scrambled together. Tomatoes. Fruit.
I am sticking to just lemon water for now. I will probably have some tea before bed and make some unsweetened iced tea tomorrow. I can not even think about drinking black coffee, so I'll just let it go for now! Until next time!
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
I don't want to be a miserable cow......
I spent the better part of yesterday at the Endocrinologist and getting blood work. I see a lot of doctors. I take a lot of meds. Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Celiac's disease, depression, miserable cow syndrome and anxiety! Apparently, auto-immune diseases like me. The most recent hurdle I have had to add to my laundry list of auto-immune issues is hypothyroidism/Hashimoto's disease. They all suck but this one plays a hell of a game on a girl's self esteem. I am more tired, more depressed and have even less energy. It sucks the life out of me. My vitamin B & vitamin D are in the toilet and my Celiac's is just not cooperating. I see my primary care doc and my rhuemmy tomorrow. I will run over the 3 new added meds with them and then tell them I want to try The Whole 30. As with everything, better to ask for permission than beg for forgiveness. Especially when the guys with the white coats and script pads are the ones who rule your world.
The Whole 30. It's a little crazy. A lot of preparation and planning. No alcohol! But it's only that hard for the first 30 days. I think I can do that. I can give myself the dedication of 30 days. I haven't read the whole book yet, I'm going to do that tonight, but the idea that in 30 days I could reset my system. That I could potentially get off some of these meds. Reduce my swelling and pain! Sleep better! Feel better! Be less of a miserable cow! I have to!
Moooo! Yes, I am a self-admitted miserable cow. I have night sweats and day sweats. Everything hurts. My guts are all bubbley. My hair is falling out. I can't sleep at night and am exhausted all day. My depression is one of the hardest parts. It's difficult explain to people ( especially the brood of males I live with). Not only do I feel like my body is failing me but my mind is turning its back on me too. I realize that depression is not something that people talk about. It is so very, very real! I know from the sidelines depression looks like a situational issue. My situation doesn't lend itself to a sympathetic audience. I am a stay at home mom with an amazing husband and healthy happy kids. I live the glorious life in mid-western suburbia. I can workout, lunch with my friends and don't want for much. And yes, I am still depressed. I am physically and mentally not well and I want to be all over happy and healthy. I don't want to sacrifice one for the other.
No more miserable cow syndrome.
In my endeavors to be less of miserable cow, I have been more and more intrigued on what food could do to help heal me. I have been inspired and encouraged by an amazingly awesome friend and I'm going to do it. I'm going to start the first 30 days of The Whole 30 before weeks end. I'm going to read, prep and plan. I will blog about it too. I'll share my honest opinions and experiences. Maybe even provide some inspiration! If not, I'm sure it will be hilarious and scary! I will also be dedicating myself back to my workout wifey and spending as much time as I can not hiding, not letting my head talk me out of the potential for healing and getting back at feeling good. If you are interested,http://whole30.com/.
Take care of you......
The Whole 30. It's a little crazy. A lot of preparation and planning. No alcohol! But it's only that hard for the first 30 days. I think I can do that. I can give myself the dedication of 30 days. I haven't read the whole book yet, I'm going to do that tonight, but the idea that in 30 days I could reset my system. That I could potentially get off some of these meds. Reduce my swelling and pain! Sleep better! Feel better! Be less of a miserable cow! I have to!
Moooo! Yes, I am a self-admitted miserable cow. I have night sweats and day sweats. Everything hurts. My guts are all bubbley. My hair is falling out. I can't sleep at night and am exhausted all day. My depression is one of the hardest parts. It's difficult explain to people ( especially the brood of males I live with). Not only do I feel like my body is failing me but my mind is turning its back on me too. I realize that depression is not something that people talk about. It is so very, very real! I know from the sidelines depression looks like a situational issue. My situation doesn't lend itself to a sympathetic audience. I am a stay at home mom with an amazing husband and healthy happy kids. I live the glorious life in mid-western suburbia. I can workout, lunch with my friends and don't want for much. And yes, I am still depressed. I am physically and mentally not well and I want to be all over happy and healthy. I don't want to sacrifice one for the other.
No more miserable cow syndrome.
In my endeavors to be less of miserable cow, I have been more and more intrigued on what food could do to help heal me. I have been inspired and encouraged by an amazingly awesome friend and I'm going to do it. I'm going to start the first 30 days of The Whole 30 before weeks end. I'm going to read, prep and plan. I will blog about it too. I'll share my honest opinions and experiences. Maybe even provide some inspiration! If not, I'm sure it will be hilarious and scary! I will also be dedicating myself back to my workout wifey and spending as much time as I can not hiding, not letting my head talk me out of the potential for healing and getting back at feeling good. If you are interested,http://whole30.com/.
Take care of you......
Friday, May 15, 2015
Bullies suck.
So, this popped into my news feed yesterday, http://www.arabamericannews.com/news/news/id_10454/Parents-accuse-Lowery-Middle-School-of-allowing-bullying-of-deaf-daughter.html#st_refDomain=m.facebook.com&st_refQuery=&st_refDomain=www.facebook.com&st_refQuery=/. Read it! If you have a kids, were a kid, knew a kid, lived by kid or heard about a kid who went through middle school you know that it isn't an easy thing. Zits, periods, hair growing everywhere, peer pressure and the looming thoughts of high school are just the tip of what is going on. That is on the small scale. But on a grander scale, there is this, a bullied child. Bullied because of hearing aids, her weight, the way she talks, etc. Why? Why is this OK? Who is raising these hate mongers to be so mean? Who is letting them get away with it? Why?
I can not wrap my brain around why this OK. I can not fathom someone, not even a child, coming to me and saying I'm so depressed that suicide is an option. All because some mean kids aren't being held accountable for their actions. Where is the zero tolerance policy police for this? I can tell you where they are. They are too scared to get involved. The people that are supposed to be in the schools to be a safe place for our kids to vent,when they need a voice, are scared. They are scared to stand up to little Johnny's or Suzy's parents because behind the little bullies are even bigger bullies. These big bullies,parents, come to the school and create such a scene that schools don't even bother to get involved. It's absolutely unacceptable.
The level of unacceptable behavior and actions , how they will be handled and repercussions for such, start at home. I'm far from perfect parenting. I have many screw-ups and mishaps daily. There is one constant. The boys know, when you leave this house you are a reflection of us, your parents. So, you better carry yourself that way. If you are going to be a jackass, do it at home ,so we can handle it. Not for all of God and country to tell me about it. I'm not Johnny's mom who thinks her kids can do no wrong. I will make a scene but not on your behalf, but because you know better. I have never liked getting involved in the kids squabbles and he/she doesn't like me etc. That in mind, I will be damned if I'm holding my kids to a standard of good moral and social high ground and little Johnny jackass is going to come to school and make everybody miserable. Nobody has to accept this. The only way that this is going to change is if parents all get on the same page.
What page? Where is this manual of perfect parenting ? Parenting manual? There isn't one. That's obvious... The more blatant fact that there isn't a manual for poor parenting either. You have to give a damn. You have to care about what goes on in the 8 hours your kid is at school. You have to not want them to get A's for showing up. You have to let them fail. You have to show up to not just your 9 to 5 but the other job that you signed up for, for the next 18+ years. You unleash your spawn out there. If they don't respect you or worry about what you are going to think, then what? They won't care about who they disrespect and what happens as they trash through life. They are unleashed on everyone else to be mean, rude, disrupt and wreak havoc for everyone else to deal with it. Who wants that? Who has time for that? I don't. I also don't want that infecting my kids, their classes, their teams and their social lives. Man the fuck up and start parenting your children so that we don't have to worry about the consequences of your child's behavior.
I'm going to step off my soap box, and promise something funnier and lighter next time. Having said that, I do hope that someone, somewhere has this girl's attention. That there is a parent, a friend, a teacher, anyone who cares, to tell her that she isn't what these kids are doing to her. That it isn't her fault. That they are sorry the system is failing her. That it isn't fair but it will get better. That their are going to be changes and they will see her through this. Kids need that. If you want good kids, 90% is showing up and being present. ( The other 10% is bribery, blackmail and fear. I kid!) If your kids know you are there, you will love them in spite of and because of who they are and what they do, they will want to be good people. They will want to do well, succeed and share that with you. There is nothing worse than a disappointed parent. ( I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. Like a dagger to the heart! ) If your kids respect your opinion of them, then they will respect the opinion of what they show others.
Take care of you.....
I can not wrap my brain around why this OK. I can not fathom someone, not even a child, coming to me and saying I'm so depressed that suicide is an option. All because some mean kids aren't being held accountable for their actions. Where is the zero tolerance policy police for this? I can tell you where they are. They are too scared to get involved. The people that are supposed to be in the schools to be a safe place for our kids to vent,when they need a voice, are scared. They are scared to stand up to little Johnny's or Suzy's parents because behind the little bullies are even bigger bullies. These big bullies,parents, come to the school and create such a scene that schools don't even bother to get involved. It's absolutely unacceptable.
The level of unacceptable behavior and actions , how they will be handled and repercussions for such, start at home. I'm far from perfect parenting. I have many screw-ups and mishaps daily. There is one constant. The boys know, when you leave this house you are a reflection of us, your parents. So, you better carry yourself that way. If you are going to be a jackass, do it at home ,so we can handle it. Not for all of God and country to tell me about it. I'm not Johnny's mom who thinks her kids can do no wrong. I will make a scene but not on your behalf, but because you know better. I have never liked getting involved in the kids squabbles and he/she doesn't like me etc. That in mind, I will be damned if I'm holding my kids to a standard of good moral and social high ground and little Johnny jackass is going to come to school and make everybody miserable. Nobody has to accept this. The only way that this is going to change is if parents all get on the same page.
What page? Where is this manual of perfect parenting ? Parenting manual? There isn't one. That's obvious... The more blatant fact that there isn't a manual for poor parenting either. You have to give a damn. You have to care about what goes on in the 8 hours your kid is at school. You have to not want them to get A's for showing up. You have to let them fail. You have to show up to not just your 9 to 5 but the other job that you signed up for, for the next 18+ years. You unleash your spawn out there. If they don't respect you or worry about what you are going to think, then what? They won't care about who they disrespect and what happens as they trash through life. They are unleashed on everyone else to be mean, rude, disrupt and wreak havoc for everyone else to deal with it. Who wants that? Who has time for that? I don't. I also don't want that infecting my kids, their classes, their teams and their social lives. Man the fuck up and start parenting your children so that we don't have to worry about the consequences of your child's behavior.
I'm going to step off my soap box, and promise something funnier and lighter next time. Having said that, I do hope that someone, somewhere has this girl's attention. That there is a parent, a friend, a teacher, anyone who cares, to tell her that she isn't what these kids are doing to her. That it isn't her fault. That they are sorry the system is failing her. That it isn't fair but it will get better. That their are going to be changes and they will see her through this. Kids need that. If you want good kids, 90% is showing up and being present. ( The other 10% is bribery, blackmail and fear. I kid!) If your kids know you are there, you will love them in spite of and because of who they are and what they do, they will want to be good people. They will want to do well, succeed and share that with you. There is nothing worse than a disappointed parent. ( I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. Like a dagger to the heart! ) If your kids respect your opinion of them, then they will respect the opinion of what they show others.
Take care of you.....
Monday, May 11, 2015
Re-Claiming, Re-purposing & Reality
"Don't call it a comeback
I been here for years
Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear
Makin the tears rain down like a MON-soon
Listen to the bass go BOOM
Explosion, overpowerin
Over the competition, I'm towerin......"
A little dramatic with the LL Cool J Momma Said Knock You Out lyrics, ya think? Nah, there is no such thing as too dramatic, right? I figure the first blog since 661 days ago, or if you prefer 1 year,9 months, and 22 days. I will not bore you with a mid-western surburban Real Housewives of Ridiculousness type recap of what's been going on here . I figure we can start fresh and present and when something arises that needs a back story, I will fill you in.
Re-claiming. I read a brilliant article. http://modernloss.com/how-im-making-mothers-day-my-bitch/. It was on point with the painfully honest hardship that women go through on the Hallmark holiday with the absence of a mother. I know so many women that feel jealous, bitter, angry, put-off, put-out or just completely over the entire sentiment of it. Myself included. Until I read this. I asked my self, why are you being such a miserable cow? I know damn well why I'm being a miserable cow. I want to be mad at the day because I don't get the perks. I don't get to brunch like ladies with my mother and sister. There is no forced family function where my boys are dressed in what I want them to wear,where they have to eat an over priced 5 course meal with nana and not complain. Is that really that important?
Nope. I reclaim my Mother's Day and the whole damn weekend. I get to run a 5k with my family, my sister and nephew! We get out of my grocery getter heading to the starting line , Our walk up music is Uptown Funk & I'm happy. We get pelted with color and smiles. It's awesome! The boys spend the rest of the weekend being at my disposal. Housework and laundry is on them. Daily chores still maintained and no pity parties thrown on my part. I'm making this weekend count. I claim it for me. I get to eat too much, drink too much, yell at sports on tv and laugh until we cry. I get to do that with my friends and my family! I feel bad spending too many Mother's Day being that miserable cow! I have so much to relish in and be proud of! "Celebrate the person you’ve become not just in her absence, but because of it. Don’t just get through the day –- own it, for fuck’s sake. (Sorry, mom.)"
Re-purposing. The amazing articles just keep finding me. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/07/in-praise-of-women-who-give-all-the-f--ks_n_7234890.html. If you are offended or put off by the F-word, this is not the article for you. In actuality, if you are offended by the F-word, the B-word, C U Next Tuesday and any or all words in that category, I am probably not for you! On we go. Not giving a fuck. I am so good at that. I like to not give a fuck about people, place, and things. I like to not give a fuck about the celeb-retard who popped out an 11 pound spawn and posts a nude selfie 22 minutes later ,with her flat stretch mark-less body! I'd like to not give a fuck about Lupus and the other chronic invisible illnesses that effect mine and my families life. I don't give a fuck if you don't like me. I'm not for everybody and that it really o.k. with me.
What I do want to give a fuck about is taking care of me. I want to give a fuck about making time to run, get stronger and love my body when it feels healthy enough to do so. I also will give a fuck about honoring Lupus and the other chronic illnesses that effect me. It is o.k. to stay in bed for a day(or four). To let myself heal and recover and not feel guilty about it. ( That's a lot of fucks to give. ) If I fail at giving a fuck with all of the other things there is one thing that I will stay true to. I will give as much as I can to my family. Not just the biological ones or the ones I claim as mine. But also the ones that I shut out, close off and keep at arms length. If we have shared a meal, had a drink, split a piece of gum or suffered in uncomfortable silence together, I will give a fuck about you. As long as you return the favor. "Give all the fucks you want. You'll be better for it."
Reality. I love reality, said no one ever. I really don't want to spend May 11th melancholic and lonely mourning my mother. I really don't want to dread every Mother's Day because the imminent looming of the anniversary of losing her is always there. I really do not want to replay the phone, the night, the day or even the years following. I really want people to understand chronic illness and the hell it plays on mental health. I really don't want to be the one to explain to anybody how or why my mother is no longer here. I really want to ask her, what the fuck, mom? Why? I really want to give up the guilt, the internal mental abuse I plague myself with. I really want a do-over.
Reality bites. I'm aware. I am also going to share what I realized this weekend. In reality, she has showed me, in her own,way all weekend that she knows. Whether I wanted to recognize it or not. Friday while having HopCat for lunch, I had an Angry Cow (ha) burger while Little Red Corvette played. Quickly followed up with Momma Said by Lenny Kravitz. Nice one! Later when I was getting my mani/pedi a little girl sitting next to me noticed my Lupus pin. She told me about how her mommy had Lupus too. Her mom came and sat next to me. She showed me pictures of the edema in her legs that comes while she waits for her kidney transplant. She also is suffering from infertility issues too, since being diagnosed. Little much mom, but I get your point. Hanging with my mother shucking sister and laughing in sheer hysterics at Lip Sync battle. Even with the Les Mis reference, it was much needed. Yesterday, when I thought I had hit the proverbial wall. I was ready to lose my shit and go hide under my covers. I turned on the TV, to drown out noise, and Overboard was on. As if that was needed, come on!
I dragged my ass out of the bed and came down to the land of the living. I found the littles helping the hubs squeeze lemons for lemonade. The middle was still doing laundry. The oldest was photo shopping Drake into our family picture ( I really am getting what I deserve with that one). The hubs gave me the atta-girl hug I needed and put me to work. Meds have to be filled,lunches have to be made and Mother's Day to be celebrated. Amazing food, over flowing wine, the best company and a full heart. The reality is that losing my mom sucks. I suck at grief. I suck at other people's grief even more. But I do this really well. I just want to do it to the best of my ability. I want to know that i'm doing o.k. and as long as I keep it together, I will notice when you point it out to me.
Take care of you....
I been here for years
Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear
Makin the tears rain down like a MON-soon
Listen to the bass go BOOM
Explosion, overpowerin
Over the competition, I'm towerin......"
A little dramatic with the LL Cool J Momma Said Knock You Out lyrics, ya think? Nah, there is no such thing as too dramatic, right? I figure the first blog since 661 days ago, or if you prefer 1 year,9 months, and 22 days. I will not bore you with a mid-western surburban Real Housewives of Ridiculousness type recap of what's been going on here . I figure we can start fresh and present and when something arises that needs a back story, I will fill you in.
Re-claiming. I read a brilliant article. http://modernloss.com/how-im-making-mothers-day-my-bitch/. It was on point with the painfully honest hardship that women go through on the Hallmark holiday with the absence of a mother. I know so many women that feel jealous, bitter, angry, put-off, put-out or just completely over the entire sentiment of it. Myself included. Until I read this. I asked my self, why are you being such a miserable cow? I know damn well why I'm being a miserable cow. I want to be mad at the day because I don't get the perks. I don't get to brunch like ladies with my mother and sister. There is no forced family function where my boys are dressed in what I want them to wear,where they have to eat an over priced 5 course meal with nana and not complain. Is that really that important?
Nope. I reclaim my Mother's Day and the whole damn weekend. I get to run a 5k with my family, my sister and nephew! We get out of my grocery getter heading to the starting line , Our walk up music is Uptown Funk & I'm happy. We get pelted with color and smiles. It's awesome! The boys spend the rest of the weekend being at my disposal. Housework and laundry is on them. Daily chores still maintained and no pity parties thrown on my part. I'm making this weekend count. I claim it for me. I get to eat too much, drink too much, yell at sports on tv and laugh until we cry. I get to do that with my friends and my family! I feel bad spending too many Mother's Day being that miserable cow! I have so much to relish in and be proud of! "Celebrate the person you’ve become not just in her absence, but because of it. Don’t just get through the day –- own it, for fuck’s sake. (Sorry, mom.)"
Re-purposing. The amazing articles just keep finding me. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/07/in-praise-of-women-who-give-all-the-f--ks_n_7234890.html. If you are offended or put off by the F-word, this is not the article for you. In actuality, if you are offended by the F-word, the B-word, C U Next Tuesday and any or all words in that category, I am probably not for you! On we go. Not giving a fuck. I am so good at that. I like to not give a fuck about people, place, and things. I like to not give a fuck about the celeb-retard who popped out an 11 pound spawn and posts a nude selfie 22 minutes later ,with her flat stretch mark-less body! I'd like to not give a fuck about Lupus and the other chronic invisible illnesses that effect mine and my families life. I don't give a fuck if you don't like me. I'm not for everybody and that it really o.k. with me.
What I do want to give a fuck about is taking care of me. I want to give a fuck about making time to run, get stronger and love my body when it feels healthy enough to do so. I also will give a fuck about honoring Lupus and the other chronic illnesses that effect me. It is o.k. to stay in bed for a day(or four). To let myself heal and recover and not feel guilty about it. ( That's a lot of fucks to give. ) If I fail at giving a fuck with all of the other things there is one thing that I will stay true to. I will give as much as I can to my family. Not just the biological ones or the ones I claim as mine. But also the ones that I shut out, close off and keep at arms length. If we have shared a meal, had a drink, split a piece of gum or suffered in uncomfortable silence together, I will give a fuck about you. As long as you return the favor. "Give all the fucks you want. You'll be better for it."
Reality. I love reality, said no one ever. I really don't want to spend May 11th melancholic and lonely mourning my mother. I really don't want to dread every Mother's Day because the imminent looming of the anniversary of losing her is always there. I really do not want to replay the phone, the night, the day or even the years following. I really want people to understand chronic illness and the hell it plays on mental health. I really don't want to be the one to explain to anybody how or why my mother is no longer here. I really want to ask her, what the fuck, mom? Why? I really want to give up the guilt, the internal mental abuse I plague myself with. I really want a do-over.
Reality bites. I'm aware. I am also going to share what I realized this weekend. In reality, she has showed me, in her own,way all weekend that she knows. Whether I wanted to recognize it or not. Friday while having HopCat for lunch, I had an Angry Cow (ha) burger while Little Red Corvette played. Quickly followed up with Momma Said by Lenny Kravitz. Nice one! Later when I was getting my mani/pedi a little girl sitting next to me noticed my Lupus pin. She told me about how her mommy had Lupus too. Her mom came and sat next to me. She showed me pictures of the edema in her legs that comes while she waits for her kidney transplant. She also is suffering from infertility issues too, since being diagnosed. Little much mom, but I get your point. Hanging with my mother shucking sister and laughing in sheer hysterics at Lip Sync battle. Even with the Les Mis reference, it was much needed. Yesterday, when I thought I had hit the proverbial wall. I was ready to lose my shit and go hide under my covers. I turned on the TV, to drown out noise, and Overboard was on. As if that was needed, come on!
I dragged my ass out of the bed and came down to the land of the living. I found the littles helping the hubs squeeze lemons for lemonade. The middle was still doing laundry. The oldest was photo shopping Drake into our family picture ( I really am getting what I deserve with that one). The hubs gave me the atta-girl hug I needed and put me to work. Meds have to be filled,lunches have to be made and Mother's Day to be celebrated. Amazing food, over flowing wine, the best company and a full heart. The reality is that losing my mom sucks. I suck at grief. I suck at other people's grief even more. But I do this really well. I just want to do it to the best of my ability. I want to know that i'm doing o.k. and as long as I keep it together, I will notice when you point it out to me.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Lupus Funk is not welcome here....
Fuck that Funk! Well, that's what I'm going with for now. And by now, I mean right now! I'm living in the moment. I finally drug my plumper than should be ass out of bed. I've been laying in my bed wallowing in swollen self pity about the nasty humidity, oppressive heat and the grief it is causing me! The hubs has been doing pretty much, it all! Finishing up the remodeling, running kids, making sure the dogs and kids have food etc...( Yes, I know he's all that and heaven too. Please, I hear it enough!) As I was laying there watching Wicked Women I decided that it was time to just say fuck it! Get out the bed, big girl and get your shit done! It isn't going to do it self!
See, the thing is, the one person who probably knows me better than my mother-shucking sister, is having a baby. She is my Greek goddess. She taught me how to open a combination lock in 6th grade and we were bonded for ever. I had to get out of this house and buy her little spanakopita (spinach pie for the Greek challenged) a gift. It couldn't be breast feeding pads or baby puke cloths. I had to do this myself. It needed to be from me and have my touch! I did it. While I was out, sweating my ass off, I also bought myself a little something to wear. It wasn't anything special and it sure is hell not the size I want but if I don't feel good in the skin I have right now, how will I ever start working on getting where I want?
As of right this moment, I have a lot of things going through my mind. I'm having some more intense Lupus symptoms flaring up along with the Chron's. I've got my mind set on fighting through some of this fatigue and taking back the time I spend in bed. I need to focus on my diet, exercise, and inner health. Not to get all, crunchy granola on any body but I'm thinking getting back to as much organic as possible and very close to vegetarian minus some fish and an occasional filet mignon. I also need to find the energy to get my run on. It makes me such a calmer person. I feel so strong when I run and even stronger when people are shocked that I run with Lupus. Enough of my rah rah rah self-cheerleading! I just like to share, for those who have Lupus and for those that don't. You can always start over and change yourself!
I figure I should wind this long winded all about me blog up! I have a busy day tomorrow. I get to see my Greek Goddess and all my girls from high school and college. We get to drink Bloody Mary's and champagne toasts til we are silly and make her jealous! I also have convinced the Greek to let me take some pics of her belly! There is nothing as beautiful as a pregnant woman and her belly. I did it 4 times and never had one picture! So, I'm absolutely thrilled to think I can give her that. Ahhh, the beer and sentiments of the evening are getting to me! It's time to call it quits!
Take Care of You....
See, the thing is, the one person who probably knows me better than my mother-shucking sister, is having a baby. She is my Greek goddess. She taught me how to open a combination lock in 6th grade and we were bonded for ever. I had to get out of this house and buy her little spanakopita (spinach pie for the Greek challenged) a gift. It couldn't be breast feeding pads or baby puke cloths. I had to do this myself. It needed to be from me and have my touch! I did it. While I was out, sweating my ass off, I also bought myself a little something to wear. It wasn't anything special and it sure is hell not the size I want but if I don't feel good in the skin I have right now, how will I ever start working on getting where I want?
As of right this moment, I have a lot of things going through my mind. I'm having some more intense Lupus symptoms flaring up along with the Chron's. I've got my mind set on fighting through some of this fatigue and taking back the time I spend in bed. I need to focus on my diet, exercise, and inner health. Not to get all, crunchy granola on any body but I'm thinking getting back to as much organic as possible and very close to vegetarian minus some fish and an occasional filet mignon. I also need to find the energy to get my run on. It makes me such a calmer person. I feel so strong when I run and even stronger when people are shocked that I run with Lupus. Enough of my rah rah rah self-cheerleading! I just like to share, for those who have Lupus and for those that don't. You can always start over and change yourself!
I figure I should wind this long winded all about me blog up! I have a busy day tomorrow. I get to see my Greek Goddess and all my girls from high school and college. We get to drink Bloody Mary's and champagne toasts til we are silly and make her jealous! I also have convinced the Greek to let me take some pics of her belly! There is nothing as beautiful as a pregnant woman and her belly. I did it 4 times and never had one picture! So, I'm absolutely thrilled to think I can give her that. Ahhh, the beer and sentiments of the evening are getting to me! It's time to call it quits!
Take Care of You....
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